Exodus (The Ravenhood)

“I’m not a whore.”

“That’s your conscience you’re fighting with, not mine.”

But after that day, everything changed. Maybe before I was a target, but after I was a decision. They let me in their world because they wanted me there. I’m certain of it. Sean confessed as much. He took a huge risk by bringing me in. Sleeping with me was sleeping with the enemy, letting me in on secrets kept me tied to them, and staying with me meant risking their credibility and position in the brotherhood.

If I ever needed proof of their feelings, I have it now.

“I care about them. Deeply. Just let me do my part.”

“If that’s true, stop being so fucking selfish. They’re content with letting you go, and you need to woman up and do the same.”

“You can’t keep me away from them!”

“You know I can. Every door you knock on will not open. No one will go near you. As of this moment, right now…you no longer exist. And you never did.”

Rage like I’ve never known courses through me as I spew my venom.

“Fuck you, you backwoods fake ass fucking robin hood wannabe son of a bitch!” I jerk my arm away and he lets me. “Get the hell out!”

He steps back, sliding his mammoth hands in his slacks, eyes blazing, voice arctic. “This is exactly why I don’t want you anywhere near us.”

I lift a hand. “Please, you’re using the fact that I get a period as an excuse to eradicate me from the tribe? You and your group of vigilantes are supposed to be the do-gooders, right? We’re supposed to be thankful to your sordid dick circle?” I huff, “Well, allow me to thank you on behalf of all of us pussy wielding predators,” I exaggerate a bow, “thank you so much, but again, I’m not your enemy.”

I lift my chin. “They trusted me because they knew I was capable of handling it, and they made sure of it. They trusted me because I love them, and they knew I’d have their backs because of that love. Dismiss it all you want, but it’s a driving force that will ensure my loyalty, not negate it, and help me to do whatever it takes to protect them as much as they are me. And you.”

Some sort of recognition flits over his features with my confession, and just as quickly, it evaporates. “You were never supposed to be involved.”

“But I am now, so let me do my part.”

“That’s two minutes,” he turns to walk in the direction of the woods, and I speak up because I know no amount of scheming will give me back his audience.

“I do love them. Maybe they screwed up, but what got me involved is their allegiance to you, and your cause, everything all of you collectively stand for. They didn’t expect to love me back, they expected to use me, but the fact that they weren’t capable of deceiving me on that level is why I’m standing here fighting to be there for them. I’m still angry, but I understand. They made me understand. And maybe this had nothing to do with me, but it now has everything to do with me. Please. Let. Me. Help.” I wipe the weakness from my eyes and stare after him. He’s magnificent and cruel, and far beyond anything I expected to face today. I was expecting my golden sun or my cool dark cloud, and the thought of never seeing them again is too much to bear. I’m begging, and I shouldn’t be. I should pack up and leave and kiss this whole town goodbye. Fuck my father and the bed he made. We have no relationship, and I could try to find another way, a safer way to take care of my mother. But as the thought occurs, images of Sean and Dominic and the fear of the unknown cripples me. I can’t bring myself to walk away. Not yet.

“I believe in this, in everything you’re doing, in everything you stand for. I want in.” It’s the absolute truth, but I fear I’ve spoken up too late.

Back turned, he pulls my top from his pocket and frees it at his side before it falls to the deck. “I’ll think about it.”

The first sign of autumn chill confirms his decision. And silence is my answer. It was always going to be no.

It’s only been weeks since my confrontation with the hostile stranger, but it’s the crisp air that plagues me with finality. No more summer nights beneath the stars with Dom, no more lengthy hikes with Sean. My love, affection, loyalty, and devotion mean nothing.

The end of the season marks the end of everything I’ve come to care about in my time here. It was just a little over three months, but I feel the change in myself, the change in my makeup. I’m so far from the curious girl I was when I arrived.

My reality is changing as rapidly as the foliage surrounding me in varying shades of brown, crimson red, and marigold. And in my state, I can’t appreciate the beauty, only the message.

Summer isn’t endless.

It’s all over.

I started community college this week and threw myself into my studies. My shifts at the plant are more grueling now that Sean quit—and he’d done so the minute after he left me in that office.

Just once I’ve given in to my curiosity and walked through the expanse of grass of Roman’s back yard and into the wooded clearing—only to be met by utter silence. The picnic benches are gone, and the landscape’s starting to rapidly grow over. It’s as if it never happened. Aside from the new vegetation and the rustling of the trees, the space is void of life.

My tan has faded, and I know I’ve lost weight, my figure becoming gaunt as my heart shrivels, surviving only on memories from the months prior—months where granting smiles didn’t feel like a chore.

It’s my dreams that can sometimes bring relief. Dreams of long walks in a hazy cloud, of heated looks, of thunderstorms, and captive kisses. It’s waking from them that leaves me raw, aching, grieving.

Melinda’s been a surprising support, spending endless shifts updating me on all things Triple Falls, carefully avoiding conversation about those who I long to hear from the most.