The Reluctant Romantics Box Set (The Fall, The Mind, The Heart)

“You were always on my mind. Always, Dallas. I’ve thought about you every day,” he whispered as I held him a little tighter. “I never, not once forgot about you, either. And that day in New York…I’d give anything to go back and change it.” I choked on a sob as I pulled away, unable to keep the tears from falling. I wanted to unload on him, to tell him I had almost died mourning the loss of him. That I had spiraled out of control and drank myself stupid, giving into my sexual whims. That until Josh, I had never even looked at a man longer than the time it took for a casual fling. That I had damn near lost my mind thinking what I felt for him was one sided.

I’d let my emotion take complete control as he stared at me, clearly shocked at my sudden outburst.

“Dally,” he pleaded, cradling my face and wiping my tears. I flinched at his contact, pulling away and letting my anger surface.

“You can’t do this to me again!” I slammed his passenger door as my sobs picked up. I walked away from the car and stumbled into my condo, locking it behind me before sliding to the floor.

How much did he possibly think I could take? Up to that point seconds ago, I had been so strong in my refusal to entertain him and our past. I held my head in my hands and sat slumped on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I still loved him. I had never stopped. Not for one minute had I stopped loving Dean. I would always love him and it would always hurt.

It didn’t matter how hard he was trying. The words he was saying couldn’t be true, and I refused to believe him. I could never forget the incredible lows I felt at the loss of him.

I’d met the love of my life and my soul mate when I was fifteen. I knew that; he knew that. He wanted that girl back.

I wanted to forget she existed.

It would just have to hurt.

“Numb again. Love again. Fuck it!”—Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

Then

New York

I walked the crowded streets in absolute awe. New York! I could feel the fast pulse of the city reverberating through the air as my surroundings fascinated me. I couldn’t help but to wonder what it would be like to join Dean here for medical school. I watched as people hurried along the streets while I stood and watched their progress. I felt alive with energy and could see the appeal immediately of moving to a city like this one. Suddenly, a freezing gust of air hit me, and I instantly screamed out at its arrival.

Fuck that idea.

Walking further into campus, I watched the students as they passed me and noted the dynamic of the school. It was far more fast paced than Austin, and I had expected as much. I couldn’t keep from thinking how hard it must have been for Dean the first few weeks. Then again, Dean had always been one to rise to any challenge. I was sure he had it well under control. It had been months since I’d seen him. He had refused to let me go until after the summer of his senior year, forgoing his typical annual trip to Spain, and spend what time we had left together. We spent most of our days hanging out with our friends, eating fattening food at the lake and having amazing sex. Every night he left me, he would tell me how much he loved me, and he could not wait for our future. His promise that he would be at my school the day I graduated to propose seemed like one he would keep.

Even after I agreed to make things work with the distance between us, after Christmas break, I’d pulled away from him, insisting we try it without each other, asking for time to adjust to life without him. He’d assumed the worst and stopped trying altogether.

> It had been three months since I’d heard from him. He’d just stopped calling. After several unanswered calls, I had to go to him. I had to tell him I’d made a mistake, make it known I needed him, that I couldn’t breathe.

My classwork was suffering, and I couldn’t concentrate. I was furious he hadn’t bothered to call me, or at least let me know himself that it was all a lie, that I had trusted his promise in vain. At the same time, I could not believe it. I refused to believe it, not with the way he looked at me, touched me. Dean was my salvation. I just needed to see him, to touch him, to know he was real. That what we had was real.

“You looking for a class?” a male voice asked from my right as I stared up at the bulletin board. I had no clue how to find him. I went to his apartment first and his roommate Kyle told me he was in class all day so I selfishly went to his school. I couldn’t wait.

I rattled off that I was looking for a med student and he pointed to a hallway that led into another building.

“Midday lets out in a few minutes. You should find who you are looking for there. That’s where most of the med classes are held.”

I thanked him and made my way down the hall just as the first door opened. I waited with my stomach in knots. I had worn my favorite sweater and skinny jeans with matching red velvet pumps and lipstick. My hair was a bit longer. I felt chic and sophisticated. I caught a glimpse of him as he appeared outside of a door and said his name as my heart pounded against my chest. When I caught up to him and turned him around, I laughed out, “Dean, Dean Martin?” He stood with his bag in hand, staring at me in shock.

“Hi,” I said, leaning in to kiss his cheek. He pulled away, grabbed my hand, and pulled me outside the school onto the sidewalk. It was early spring and I could feel more than the chill of his stare as I braced myself.

“This was obviously a bad idea,” I said, watching his reaction to me. He was leaning against the brick building we had just come out of, his book bag between his feet, his arms crossed.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded as I clasped my hands together in front of me, wringing them nervously.

“I don’t know, Dean. I was in the neighborhood thought I would say hi,” I said, full of nervous sarcasm.

“Dallas, I’m at school,” he said warily. I studied him hard. His face gave nothing away.

“We haven’t talked in so long. I just thought…I mean …” I looked at him again, dying to throw my arms around him. He seemed cold and distant, which floored me considering when we parted we were both in tears.

“You made sure of that,” he said testily. “Aren’t you the one who said we should—”