An Innocent Thanksgiving

It was time. I knew that Cal wasn’t going to put it off much longer.

He cleared his throat, and as sick as I felt, I knew that I couldn’t let him be responsible for this alone. I was the one who knew about Fern, I was the one who initiated the sex that night, I was the one who had been lying to my parents. If anyone was going to take responsibility for this, it was me.

“Mom, Dad?” I blurted out. Cal went still and stiff beside me, I think out of pure shock. “Cal is Fern’s father.”

…okay so maybe, in retrospect, there was a better way for me to announce that. A way to say it that didn’t feel like I just dropped a ton of bricks on my parents’ heads. But it was out now, and I couldn’t take it back.

Cal stared at me in this mix of surprise and… dare I say awe? Like he was impressed with me.

Dad looked like I had told him I was dying of cancer. Mom looked… oddly resigned.

Fern, thank God, was too far away to hear—she was on the swings now and singing a song she’d made up, something about bagels.

I cleared my throat. “I. Um. Thanksgiving, five years ago, I… I’d had, um, I’d had a crush on Cal for a long time. For years. And I thought—well that night I decided to go for it. I went over to his house after dinner, I snuck out.” I had never snuck out of the house in my life except for that night, and I saw the hurt and betrayal register on my dad’s face. My mom still looked calm. “I know you’ve got no reason to believe me after this but I swear, that was the only time I’ve done it. This is the only time I’ve lied to you.

“And I—I know that I shouldn’t have lied. I didn’t know… what else to do, I mean… I knew that neither of you would approve of the relationship. I was young, I was stupid, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking about you, or your friendship with Cal, I was just thinking about how much I wanted him, and I’m sorry about that.”

I took a deep breath and forced myself to keep going. I felt like I had just come off an intense rollercoaster, unsure if I was going to throw up or even where exactly the ground was. “I went over to his house and I seduced him. And I’m not—I’m not saying that he didn’t—it was consensual and all that so of course he played a part but Cal never thought of me that way, he never flirted with me or came onto me, I initiated all of it that night. So I just—I want you to know that.” I knew I was pleading but I couldn’t get myself to stop. My voice was high pitched and cracking.

“Afterwards… I want you to know that afterwards, Cal said it was a bad idea. He was the one who came to his senses. I wanted to keep being together despite everything but he was the one who didn’t want to do it. He said it was a mistake. I… I need you guys to understand that.” I took another deep breath, tried to keep myself steady. I wanted to reach out to Cal, to hold onto him, and I thought I could sense in the tense line of his shoulders that he wanted to do the same, but I worried that would just make it all worse for my parents.

“Cal had no idea that I was pregnant,” I told them. “I didn’t know until about a month and a half later.” When I had smelled my roommate’s Indian food and thrown up for what felt like ages, she’d suggested that I might be pregnant. I had honestly never considered the possibility, but the moment she’d said it I’d started thinking aback and I’d realized it had to be true.

Didn’t stop me from taking about five pregnancy tests in a flurry of panic.

“That was when I… I told you guys, I debated for a couple of weeks over what to do, as you know, and then I called you and told you.” Just keep breathing, I told myself. Just keep breathing, Maggie. “I knew that it had to be Cal’s. I hadn’t been with anyone else. And I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t say anything to him. It’s why I moved to Nashville instead of staying with you guys longer to get on my feet, it’s why I kept staying away and why I avoided being with you whenever Cal was also around. I never wanted him to know. I didn’t think it was a responsibility that he wanted and it was my choice to keep the child, to raise her, not his. I didn’t want to force anything on him.”