The Silken Web

“I discovered I was pregnant with Theron.” She swallowed the lump in her throat that grew there each time she remembered her first visit to Dr. Peters’s office and the decision she had made. “At first I thought the answer was an abortion. I went to the hospital and even to the operating room. I stopped them just before they put me to sleep.”

“My God,” he breathed.

“Exactly. God was with me that day. I might never have had Theron—” She broke off when a shudder shook her entire body. When she recovered, Kathleen went on and told him about Seth’s proposal and their marriage. “He’s been so good to me, Erik. He never once drilled me about you—the father. He accepted me and Theron without censure. He treats Theron as his own.”

“But Theron’s not his. He’s mine. Mine, Kathleen.”

She spun around and faced him, the color slowly draining from her face. “You wouldn’t—couldn’t—hurt him, Erik. Please. I beg you.”

“Sonofabitch!” he cursed savagely as he stood up and crossed the room to stand beside her at the window. He didn’t look at her, but shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He stared out the window with as much disinterest as she had done.

Suddenly, he turned and shouted, “How do you compete with a man like that? A paraplegic. Do I become the world’s worst villain and claim Theron as my own? Should I grab up the child he loves as his son when fate has already kicked the man in the teeth? What am I supposed to do, Kathleen? Theron’s my son, goddammit!” He slammed his fist into the wall of his new house, seeming impervious to the pain it must have caused him.

“It would be easier if Seth were a real sonofabitch. Just my luck. The man’s a saint.” The bitterness in his voice stung Kathleen’s ears. It was heartwrenching to witness the torturous struggle of a man’s conscience.

“He’s been generous beyond my wildest hopes in loaning me money to start my business. It wouldn’t have been possible to buy the equipment and rent the building I needed without his backing. Not only that, he’s put me in touch with all the businessmen in San Francisco who are potential clients.” Erik leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. Frustration was evident in every line of his body. “Now, how should I repay him for all that? Walk out with the child he considers to be his and tell him I have a terrible lech for his wife?” He dug into his closed eye sockets with the heels of his hands as if he wanted to block out every thought pattern, wipe the slate of moral score-keeping clean, erase all the scruples he was battling. He released his breath slowly, lowered his hands and looked at her. “You can’t imagine what a sacrifice you’re asking of me, Kathleen.”

She looked deeply into his eyes. Her voice was ragged with emotion as she said, “Yes, Erik. Yes, I can.”

He heard the words and in her swimming eyes he read the ones left unspoken. Erik cupped her face between his palms and his soothing thumbs stroked and stilled her trembling lips. Resting his forehead against hers, his eyes closed against the torment of holding her and not being able to have her.

This is hell, he thought. For over two years she had ruled his thoughts, both conscious and subliminal. He knew her body better than he knew his own, for he had studied it more and it had been indelibly recorded on the pages of his mind. Time hadn’t dimmed the sensation of being held within her. No woman had ever held him so tightly, surrounded him so sweetly, entrapped him so completely.

He had loved her for that. And he had loved her spirit and the bravery with which she had overcome the adversities of her childhood. Ironically, he loved her now for the commitment she gave her husband. He couldn’t speak to her of love now. He couldn’t have her. He wasn’t a thief and he wouldn’t take what didn’t belong to him. But, God! How was he to survive giving her up?

“We’d better go,” he said at last, and released her, opening a chasm of regret between them.

* * *

In the most poetic recesses of Kathleen’s mind, she deemed the day “star-kissed.” By tacit agreement, they pushed all their heartaches aside and reveled in the day they had been granted alone together.

Kathleen made the first attempt to talk about something other than the painful past and the hopeless future. She chose a subject she knew would interest Erik greatly.

“Guess what? Jaimie has been adopted,” she said, thinking she would surprise him. He was helping her into his car.

“I know,” he replied lightly, shutting the door.

“You know!”

As Erik got behind the wheel, he laughed at her shocked expression. “Yeah. And before you did, I’d bet. Who told you?”

“B. J. and Edna, of course,” she answered, still dismayed by the twist in the conversation.

“But they didn’t tell you who adopted him.”

“No.”

“Bob and Sally.” He enjoyed the thrilled smile that lit up her whole face. “He’s a Gudjonsen and is wild about his uncle Erik. He has a baby sister named Jennifer.”

“Oh, Erik, how wonderful. Sally and Bob have truly been blessed.”

“Yes. They have.” Only a touch of bitterness tinged his words.

As they drove through the city, Kathleen launched into a variety of ideas for Erik’s condo, until he laughed and said, “I don’t care what you do, short of decorating it in pink and purple satin. I’m sure your taste is as good as mine.” He dug an elbow playfully into her ribs as he pulled the sports car to a stop at a traffic light.

“But what do you like?” she asked in exasperation.

He slid a glance in her direction that more than suggested what he liked, but he refrained from making the sensual comment that came to mind. “I like browns, you know, different shades. I like that rust color like maple leaves in fall.”