Blame it on the Vodka (Blame it on the Alcohol)

Although, I still planned to visit Bodie and give him a taste of his own medicine and more. She may not have plans to destroy him, but I fucking did.

By the time I finished with how I stormed out after demanding she be gone, King had finished his beer and shook his head. “Shit, Austin. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I didn’t want to be right.”

“Yeah. I didn’t want you to be right either.”

He had the decency to wince. “So, what now?”

The million-dollar question.

Now, I sat there and hated myself forever and ever. Now, I lived with regret for the rest of my life. Now, I wondered how many beers it would take before even a modicum of this ache eased. Not that I said any of that, unwilling to bare the raw parts of my soul for consumption.

“Now, it’s fucking Monday, and I’ll watch The Bachelor alone because I can’t go over there like I usually do. I’m the guy that watches The Bachelor alone because it gives me at least some connection to her.”

“You could always not watch it,” he offered gently. “I mean, the screen is already blank. Why not just keep it that way?”

I glared like his suggestion was the greatest insult.

“Or not.”

“It’s not the point,” I explained. “I want to watch it with her. I want to go to her house, have pizza and beer, and make fun of everyone. I want to watch her laugh and then take her to bed. I want my friend. I want my wife.”

I wanted every last single part of it. It was how I got into this mess in the first place. My greed took over, and I wanted more and more even though I knew she might not be able to admit she wanted it, too. I kept pushing, and now I was left with nothing.

“Could you…be friends?” King offered, but I could tell even he didn’t believe it was an option.

“How the fuck would I do that?”

“I don’t…I don’t have a good answer for that.”

“I figured. Which leads me back to the plan I thought was a good one before we went to my grandparents. I said I’d back off if it didn’t work out.”

“Yeah…”

“But the problem is that I don’t want to back off. I’m standing back after storming away, looking at both options with the experience of going through it, and I don’t like it. I fucking hate it. The problem is that I was a dumbass for thinking I’d rather be without her than only be her friend again. I was so damned mad before, wanting to shove it all away and make it not true. All I am now is sad, and I hate it.”

“Then go be her friend,” he suggested like it was as simple as saying five little words.

“How?”

“Act like you did before Vegas, I guess.”

I laughed. “I’m not sure I know how the hell to do that.”

“I sure as shit don’t know either, but all you can do is try. All you can do is show up and do your best to leave all this behind. You can’t go in clinging to these past few months, hoping it will come back. You have to go in knowing it’s only for friendship.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, but it lacked any conviction.

I knew he was right, but it didn’t make it easy. However, the alternative was even harder. My chest ached with shards of pain prodding against every organ, but at least one small part around my heart avoided the jabs, holding tight to the idea of seeing her.

“So, you going to go over and give it a try? It is Bachelor night.”

I closed my eyes and imagined showing up with pizza and her favorite wine. I imagined her wearing another small top and tight jeans.

I imagined dropping it all to pull her in my arms, only for her to pull back before I could get too close. What if she didn’t want me there. What if she decided she didn’t want to be friends after the way I kicked her out?

Doubts plagued every thought until they piled on so high I couldn’t move.

“Not yet,” I answered like the chicken I was. “I’ll make a better plan tomorrow. Maybe an extra day of space will be good.”

“Whatever you say, man. Either way, I’m not watching The Bachelor with you.”

I gave him a side-eyed stare as I turned on the TV and started the show.

With his every grunt and question about the contestants, I missed Rae more, locking in the peace of mind, knowing I was making the right choice.

Like I said before everything happened. I’d take a lifetime of friendship over nothing at all. And I’d tell her tomorrow.

If she’d let me.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Raelynn

After more than our fair share of drinks and a night to sleep it all off, I finally made my way home. If I moved quickly, I figured I could shower and get ready before grabbing dinner from Austin’s favorite restaurant and surprise him with it. If nothing else, I could order a pint of ice cream and bring it to him.