A Little Bit Dirty

She glances at me, and I’m not sure what to make of her expression. It’s so hopeful. It’s so familiar.

It scares the shit out of me.

Brianna steps a little closer to the house, looks a little harder.

Anxiety races through me with every fraction of a second that goes by. My heart sinks. This isn’t what she pictured, then. This isn’t what she wanted. The dream we had together always felt clear to me. I’d be fooling myself if I said I didn’t build this house off the specifics of that dream.

Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe I had everything wrong.

“It’s not even halfway done,” I find myself saying. “There’s a little bit left to do on the exterior, and the interior’s a mess. I may take parts of it out and start over. I don’t know if—”

She cuts me off and tells me, “Asher, this place is amazing. It’s absolutely perfect.”

All I can think, and thank fuck I don’t say it, is I built it for you.

Brianna

Asher’s house is like something out of our dreams. I can’t help thinking it. I can’t help feeling like I belong in this place.

I haven’t put a penny into it. I didn’t even know it existed and yet I’m touching every little piece of drywall and every finish.

I have no right and I damn well know it, but I love this place already.

This is pretty close to what I pictured back in school, when we would write notes to each other and joke about the house we were going to build on the lake. It doesn’t escape me that there’s a wraparound porch. The question is right there on the tip of my tongue whether or not he remembered that I wanted one.

“There’s still a lot to do,” Asher says while walking me through room by room and he isn’t lying. It’s not even close to being finished, at least not from what I see. But I can see how it’ll be when it’s done.

We all loved the lake. That was where we spent our summers. Out on rafts or in fishing boats, lying on the beach, screwing around the way kids screw around. I know why we loved it. It’s because the summer was always carefree. Everybody was always happy. The days were long, and there was enough time to do everything we wanted to do.

Memories hit me hard.

Of course, back then, I didn’t understand that we were the freest we might ever be in our lives. We had no bills to pay and no jobs to go to except when we worked our shifts at the ice cream shop or one of the stores downtown. The stakes weren’t very high.

My heart hadn’t been broken yet.

As we walk through the house, I find myself standing closer to him, looking at him more than the house. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m still the same lovesick girl I’ve always been for him. No matter how much I wish I wasn’t.

“They’re going in soon, but we need to fix a few things first,” Asher states and then looks back at me.

Tucking my hair behind my ear I take a good hard look around the kitchen as if it’s what should be occupying my mind right now.

The cabinets are lined up in the kitchen, but there’s no countertops. This is a place in the process of becoming what it will be. This is the beginning of reality.

“The whole place smells like sawdust,” I comment just to say something and Asher laughs. I missed that sound.

There are little piles of it in all the corners. It makes my heart beat hard in my throat. We would’ve done this together if we’d followed our dreams.

I push away the feeling of sadness because of the look on his face. He’s obviously proud. A little smile curves the corners of his lips. He keeps glancing at me like a puppy dog wanting my approval.

I’m more than eager to give it.

When we first started dating, my sister called him a lovesick puppy dog because he followed me everywhere. He just wanted to spend time with me.

“I’m proud of you, Ash,” I say like a friend would. “We should celebrate. This is incredible.” And I find myself thinking of ulterior motives.

“Hmm.” He pretends to consider this seriously. “Celebrations are usually reserved for when you finish the house.”

“No,” I tell him. “This is just as good. This is taking a real step. It’s saying what you want in life and then going for it. It’s amazing. You don’t happen to have champagne in those cupboards, do you?”