A Little Bit Dirty
Bri is silent, but she doesn’t loosen her grip so I add my hand on top of hers. I remember once we sat like this. Back when I first kissed her. In the garage, cross-legged on the concrete floor. My heart raced, I was so afraid to do it wrong. But our hands were just like this and that kiss made her fall in love with me.
I tighten my grip on her now and tell her, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted or the man you needed back then.”
“Don’t you dare,” Bri says, taking her hands away and my whole heart drops until her hands cup around my face and she pulls me in, her nose brushing against mine, her forehead resting against mine. “You don’t apologize to me, Asher. Just let me be the woman you need—”
“I don’t want you to—” I’m quick to grip her wrists, to keep her from feeling like she’s responsible for any of this. Like she has to involve herself.
Pressing her finger to my lips, she stops me and whispers, “It's okay to lean on me.”
A moment passes. A beat and then another. Nothing else exists. It’s like falling.
Closing my eyes, I rest my forehead against hers and that’s just what I do. I let myself fall. My breathing is strangled as I ask her one favor. One thing I need.
“Can you promise me something, though?”
“What?”
I open my eyes and wait for her to do the same, and I practically beg her, “Can you not hate him? Or blame him? He’s sick.” I barely get the last word out.
The cords in her neck pull as she swallows thickly and nods.
“I know. I know. It’s going to be okay.”
“I said some things I shouldn’t have,” I tell her, feeling so damn exhausted out of nowhere.
“We all do, it’s going to be okay.”
“I told him I hated him.”
“Do you?”
“I don’t. I hate that he lies. I hate that he drinks. I hate what he does when he’s an angry drunk. But I don’t hate him. I love him.”
“He knows that, Asher. I promise you, he knows that. And you can tell him that too.”
It’s quiet a moment as we sit back in our seats, our hands still clasped.
I admit the one truth, the one thing I really need right now. “Fuck, I’m so tired, Bri, and all I know is that I would sleep better if I knew you were going to be there when I woke up in the morning.”
* * *
“I will. I’m right here.”
After another moment, Bri hesitantly asks, “You said you were paying all the bills?”
I nod once, not knowing where she’s going with this.
“Did you know he was selling the house?”
“What?” A weight like a ton of bricks hits my chest. “There’s no way.”
This time she’s the one to nod silently.
Time ticks slowly. Our house? What about the land? The garage is on that land. Denial and question after question pile up in my head, making it difficult to think straight.
“I was afraid if I left, something would happen … something like him doing something stupid.” I speak without thinking, just so she can hear too.
My voice drifts “… But hell, I was right there and I didn’t know.”