A Little Bit Dirty

“Good for her, I say,” Kimberly says and smiles. “I think they make a beautiful family.”

I nod along, feeling that familiar warmth again although it doesn’t last long. I just can’t get over what Asher said and I need to talk it out. I swear every two minutes I think about it.

Voices drone in and out and Kimberly complains about something that happened during the last school board meeting. I swear they should televise those things with the drama that ensues.

All I keep thinking about is how Asher said he knows I’ve “moved on.” What exactly does that mean? ’Cause I’ll be honest, there isn’t a piece of me that feels like I’ve moved on. He might not love me or want me; he might not think it’s a big deal anymore. But it is to me.

My phone vibrates just as I’ve finished blow-drying Kimberly’s hair and I’m quick to check it. It makes no sense that I thought it was Asher. My father told me he dropped off my car at the house already. Asher had my car for two days and didn’t message me once. He spoke to my father instead. I know it’s ’cause Renee asked him to, because I asked her to relay that request. I don’t know why I thought it would be him texting me now.

It’s only Renee messaging me back. Earlier I texted her: What does he know? For him to say he knows I moved on, what exactly does that mean?

Renee’s reply is short and it makes me feel like I’m obsessing. Like I should let it go: Why does it matter, Bri?

With my heart sinking even further than it already was, I concede. She’s right. It shouldn’t matter.

I text her just that at 3:08: You’re right, it doesn’t matter. Setting the phone down, I ignore it and every other thought about him for the rest of the day. I settle on the “fake it till you make it” approach. It doesn’t matter. The past is in the past for a reason.

It’s only when Sarah’s locking up with Amber, who keeps asking me if I’m okay, that I read Renee’s replies which came one after the other.

* * *

3:10: That’s not what I said, Bri. It’s okay if it matters. I was asking, why does it matter to you if he thinks you’ve moved on? It’s a good question to ask. Why does it matter to you what he thinks or thinks he knows?

3:25: Hey, I love you. I think my message came out wrong. Text me back, please.

4:50: If you don’t text me, I’m dragging you out to the bar tonight.

5:25: All right, well I hope you like what you’re dressed in, ’cause you’re coming to the bar with me later. No buts. I’m picking you up before work and getting you drunk tonight.

Asher

The bar stays open the latest. When all the shops are closed down, the streetlights shining, and the workday is over, the bar is where everyone comes to take a load off. To have a drink and a laugh, and not worry about a damn thing.

With a Red Bull in my hand, I take a look around and I know every soul in this place. That’s what I like most about it. At the old bar, the only one that used to be in town, I liked the booths with the cracked seats. I liked the wood floor and I liked the bar with its pitted top. This new place Brody and Griffin opened is more like an upscale pub. Expensive counters, and everything is new and shiny. If I’m honest, I like this place just as much as Charlie’s Bar and Grill. ’Cause the voices that fill it are all the same.

I like hearing my friends talk to one another. It’s comforting, having people around. Faces you know. Jokes you hear once or twice. My ma said I’ve always been a people watcher, and I’ve always loved to help. So it just makes sense to come to the bar where we can simply be.

They’re all working on taking the edge off or are on their way to tipsy. A few of my friends will drink a bit too much, but there’s always someone to drive them home.

It never used to get to me, but after my dad got sober, I just haven’t been able to trust a drink myself since then.

Nobody knows what happened with my dad. He’s a backwoods kind of guy and bars were never his thing. Sometimes I wonder: If he had drunk at Charlie’s with friends and people close to him who could have seen it coming, would it have gotten as bad as it did?

Taking a sip of my energy drink everyone thinks has vodka in it, I push that thought away. It’s no use wondering. The only thing that matters is that the truth stays hush hush.

My mother doesn’t want the world to know. So I smile, I carry on, and my family secrets stay just that: secrets.

“You need another?” Renee asks. I nod but ask for a Coke instead. Renee’s usually quick to fill drink orders, but she lingers a second longer, eyeing me with a sly look on her face.

“You say hi to her yet?” Renee asks and then glances down the bar before filling a glass with soda.

A heat races down the back of my neck as I take the drink from her. The bar is only so big and the moment I walked in here, I felt her. Brianna is like my North Star.

“Was just about to.” Somehow my voice is even as I answer her.

Renee can’t hide her smirk and I wait a moment, thinking she has some advice or a joke, knowing her, but she only nods and goes about her business. It’s busy enough in here that she doesn’t have time for small talk. Still, I wait a beat longer before pinning my focus on Bri.

The girl I loved has become a woman who wants nothing to do with me. And I know it’s my own damn fault.