Fix You

Hanna was still numb, unable to mold her thoughts into anything resembling sense. She let Ruby take the lead, submitting to her friend’s suggestions.

“I’m not sure if he’ll even talk to you,” Ruby confessed. “On the rare occasion your name is mentioned, he usually leaves the room.”

Hanna’s heart dropped. Of course he must hate her. Her last words to him, when they saw each other in New York, were a promise she would wait for him in London. No wonder he was so angry when he got there and she was gone.

Again.

Would he hate Matty, too? Her heart clenched at the thought of anybody despising her child, but if Richard was angry with Hanna, he could well reject his son. Matthew was the perfect combination of them both, in looks as well as temperament, and Richard would clearly be able to see Hanna’s half shining through.

Either way, she couldn’t put it off any longer. It wasn’t her choice to make. She wanted to call him right now, spill the truth over the phone as soon as possible to make up for lost time. But it wasn’t the sort of news you gave when you were thousands of miles away.

“I can’t tell him over the phone. I’ll have to fly to New York.” She pulled at a fingernail with her teeth. “I’m not sure how Matty will take to that, though.” Hanna could picture her son running up and down the aisle, screaming at the other passengers. The vision made her shudder.

“Leave him here, with us,” Ruby suggested. “I’m desperate to get to know my nephew, and I know from his song that Tom’s already in love.”

“He’s going through a clingy stage.” Hanna wavered. She could see the sense in Ruby’s suggestion. She just wasn’t sure she could bear to be without him.

“Give us a couple of weeks to bond with him. If you think we’re up to the job, then you can fly to New York, tell Richard and fly right back here. I promise we’ll treat him like a king.” Ruby’s voice betrayed her excitement. Hanna softened as she saw Tom staring at her, his eyes burning brightly.

“Will Richard even agree to see me?” Hanna wondered, knowing her words were tantamount to an agreement. Ruby leaned forward and hugged her tightly, her loud squeal making Hanna wince.

“Probably not,” Ruby replied. “But I’ll call and make an appointment with him in my name. You can go and tell him at work. At least if he’s surrounded by people he can’t go completely crazy.”

It seemed like Ruby had everything planned in her mind. In a couple of weeks, Hanna would be catching a plane to New York. Fear fought with excitement in her stomach, mixing with the alcohol she was knocking back. The thought of seeing Richard again made her legs shake.

She would do it because he deserved to know about his son. She would do it because Matty deserved to have a father. Most of all, she would do it because she loved him so much, she thought her heart might burst.

Twenty Two

May 12th 2012

It was early afternoon when the plane touched down at JFK. The landing was bumpy enough to make her already-queasy stomach lurch hard. For the first time in all her transatlantic trips, she was distinctly aware of her own mortality. Fears of what would happen to Matty if she died played havoc with her thought patterns.

All the more reason to tell Richard, the snarky part of her brain informed her. Hanna quashed the thought.

Even her own psyche was against her.

She hadn’t bothered checking in any baggage. Her return flight was booked for the following day, and carry-on luggage would be enough for one night. Toiletries, makeup, and a change of clothes were all she needed until she could step foot in France again.

The queue at immigration moved fast. Each step toward the glass booth was a step closer to telling Richard the most shocking news of his life, and Hanna felt the need to dawdle, to prevaricate. She fiddled with her dark-blue passport, wondering if she would have been better off using her European one. The queue was so much longer

on that side of the room.

Closing her eyes, she remembered the way Ruby had hugged her before she left the villa in Nice. Her words of encouragement, whispered in Hanna’s ear, were enough to plant a seed of hope that eventually Richard might forgive her for running yet again. She hadn’t had time to nurture the seed yet; to let it bloom into any kind of plant. She hoped she wouldn’t kill it.

“You’ve been out of the country for a while ma’am?” The immigration officer was tapping into his computer with his right hand, staring at Hanna’s passport, held open by his left.

“I have joint nationality. I’ve been living in Europe.”

“Are you planning to stay for a while?” He glanced up at her, his eyes inquiring.

“Just until tomorrow. I’m meeting with a friend.”

The officer closed her passport and handed it back to her. “I hope you have a nice stay, ma’am.” His eyes were already on the next passenger. Hanna picked up her bag and moved forward, through the barrier. She could feel time counting down like a ticker clock on New Year’s Eve. The thought made her excited and fearful.

She bypassed the luggage carousel, making her way to the door that led into the main terminal. The air conditioning made her skin pucker with goose bumps, but from the look of the sun shining through the glass wall of the terminal, it was a beautiful, spring day.

Standing in the line for a taxi, she practiced their conversation in her mind. Tell him as soon as possible, she reminded herself, if you beat around the bush he’s either going to throw you out or kill you. The news that he had a son was like a Band-Aid, and for Richard’s own sake, she needed to rip it off fast. She could deal with the wound later. To tear it away inch by inch wouldn’t save them any misery in the long run.