Fix You
He released her, pressing a final kiss on each of them. “I’ll see you at twelve,” he reminded her as he left. She picked up a rolled up pair of socks and threw it after him, missing by a mile.
Pulling Matty into a hug, she watched Richard’s retreating back, a warm fire of contentment burning in her body. She couldn’t stop the smile from creeping across her face as she realized that finally, after so much time, they’d both got exactly what they wanted.
Each other.
Twenty Seven
December 31st 2012
The caterers had arrived at the crack of dawn to prepare the house for the annual New Year’s Eve gathering. Hanna watched them in the kitchen creating tray after tray of canapés and desserts. Her heart clenched as she remembered the way her mum would direct proceedings, her radio in one hand and a cell phone in the other, shouting down both mouthpieces at the same time.
“Are you okay?” Claire reached out a hand and stroked her cheek. “I’m so happy you agreed to come.”
“We wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
The three of them had flown into London on Christmas Eve, planning to spend the festivities with Steven and Claire. The entire family had delighted in sharing their first Christmas with Matty. Hanna fell in love with the family all over again, their adoration for her son evident in everything they did.
“It must bring back memories, though. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe your mother isn’t with us anymore.”
Tears formed in the corners of Hanna’s eyes. She reached up to wipe them away, determined not to spoil the day with sad memories. She was ready to make good ones—for Matty and the rest of the family—though it was hard to forget the past.
“I’m so sad she never got to meet Matty. She would have loved to watch him run around the house like it’s a giant playground.” Hanna closed her eyes for a moment. She could almost picture Diana’s delighted smile.
“You know, if she could see you now, she’d be as proud of you as I am.” Claire pulled her into an embrace, and Hanna wrapped her arms around her, closing her eyes as she allowed herself to be loved.
“Do you really think so? I’m pretty sure if she was here now, she’d be hitting me around the head with a wooden spoon.”
Claire didn’t reply, and after a moment Hanna pulled back to look at her. Claire’s face had frozen, and Hanna was fearful enough to reach out and give her arm a little shake.
“Oh my goodness, I forgot about the recordings.” Claire put a hand against her chest, looking crestfallen. “All those messages she left for you. They’re in a box in the study.”
“Recordings?” Hanna asked, confused. “What recordings?”
“Don’t you remember our project, the one in the nursing home? Diana recorded messages for you. I was supposed to give them to you at specific times; your wedding, your first child. I can’t believe I forgot. I should have given you the first one when I learned about Matty.”
“Can I listen to it now?” Hanna could feel the excitement course through her body. In the years since Diana’s death, memories of mother had become thinner, like a piece of elastic pulled too tight. Sometimes she couldn’t remember exactly how she sounded. And now, to know there was a recording—and those words were meant for her—was almost too much to bear.
“Of course you can.” Claire grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the kitchen, and they made their way down to the basement. In the corner, behind a large oak door, was Steven’s office.
“What did you use to record her?” Hanna was all too aware of the deterioration qualities of certain media.
“I used a Dictaphone, and had them put onto a CD. Diana was very specific.”
Inside the office, Claire pulled a CD from the shelf. The blank, plastic cover reflected the light streaming through the window. She passed it to Hanna who held it for a moment, turning the plastic sleeve over in her hands. Her mind went back to those dark days of 2005, when Diana’s death had caused her to lose so much more than just a mother.
“I don’t know if you want to listen to them all, or just the one about your first child. After all you’ve been through, I don’t think Diana would be angry if you wanted more.”
“I think I want to hear them all, if I can.” She hugged the CD to her chest. “Will I have time, before the boys are back?”
Steven and Richard had taken Matty to the park, hoping to wear him out enough for him to sleep through the party. Hanna suspected it might be Steven and Richard who turned out to be exhausted when they got back.
“We didn’t get to record too much. She was very weak; she couldn’t talk for too long.” Claire bit her lip, looking down at the floor. “If they get back before you finish, I’ll stall them.”
“Will you stay for the first one?” Hanna wasn’t sure if she could listen alone. She already felt jittery, like the merest touch could send her on a crying jag.
“I’ll stay as long as you want, sweetheart.”
Hanna pulled the CD player toward them, lifting the lid to place the first shiny disc inside. She started to press play, but Claire shook her head, reaching out to press the forward button. “Why don’t you listen to the one about your first child? It seems the appropriate place to start.”