Admire Me (Rough Edges 2)
Chapter 5
Liam
Since I left Dixiethat night, it’s been bothering me that I didn’t kiss her. Why the hell did I kiss her on the cheek? She has to be wondering why? Hell, even I am. It’s almost like I chickened out and instead of kissing her on the lips, I panicked. I’m not like my younger brother, Aiden. He has no problem talking to girls. For me, I get inside my head, and start to overthink things, especially since everything happened with Larissa, and once that happens it usually goes downhill fast. It’s not usually about why the girl isn’t right for me, but why I’m not the right guy for them. The children issue is a hard truth and I have to face that. Yet, it’s not something you could come out to tell someone on the first date. I would sound like a lunatic. Yesterday, I thought about calling her a couple of times, but quickly talked myself out of it because it felt too soon. Also, there’s the idiot feeling that I’m a grown ass man, and kissed a hot as fuck girl on the cheek. I mean, who the fuck does that? She is probably laughing with her friends about me and telling them how I pecked her on the cheek like a scared twelve-year-old boy who has never kissed a girl before. Pathetic.
The one person I want to talk to today, Damon, is off and so Pedro is the only other person I can trust not to go around telling everyone in the station. He has already asked if I found anyone on the app, so I can just ease into the conversation while we are playing some poker waiting around for a call. He is usually good about keeping things private unlike some of the others who are like the girls from high school. You tell them something and the whole station knows within an hour. I won’t make that mistake again.
“So, that app sent me a crazy girl.”
“Oh really. Tell me more,” Pedro says, laying down his cards, and then giving me his full attention.
“Well, her profile looked decent and said she had a degree from Penn State. We went out for drinks and let’s just say, she was still not over her ex, and just wanted to go back to my place.”
“Maybe she just needed someone to get over him with,” he laughs.
He knows I’m looking for someone real, and not just to get laid. So his comment makes me chuckle, but then my serious face takes over again. “Yeah, well, it won’t be me. Not looking to be someone’s rebound. Been there, done that.”
Pedro is a good guy, but he’s been happily married since his early twenties, and wouldn’t dare cheat on his wife. Is it bad that I’m jealous? If I could just find my partner, then all will be good in the world.
“Just remember, you have to dig through some weeds before you find the sunflower. Keep trying and don’t give up.”
He always has sound advice, and I feel like I can trust his since he has been happily married for many years. I’ve never heard him say anything negative about his wife, and he is always in such a great mood. If that is what finding a good woman does, then I need one ASAP.
The date with Harper comes out, and he doesn’t say much, just continues to play and nods a lot.
“You gonna go out again?” Pedro asks.
“See, that’s the thing, I don’t know. I want to, but I'm scared she won’t want to go out with me again. I kissed her on the damn cheek. Why? I honestly have no fucking clue.”
A part of me doesn’t want to admit how nervous I was that night, The date was going so well, and I didn’t want to mess it up, and just assume she wanted to kiss me, so I went for the cheek. In reality, I should have just gone for it. Women like men who take charge.
“Listen, man up. It’s just a kiss on the cheek. It’s not like you insulted her wardrobe or anything. Either call her and ask her out, or give up and be single forever. Good things aren’t easy to come by, so you need to fight for them.”
He has a valid point. I can’t give up on her so easily. But then my mind goes back to the 5%. No matter what, it always creeps up on me, and makes me doubt myself. Sometimes I just ignore it, but maybe this time I shouldn’t. Harper is a wonderful woman, but what if she wants kids? Sure, I have a 5% chance of ever having kids, so that’s more like a miracle. Should I even get my hopes up with her yet? The subject is going to come up eventually and maybe if I walk away now, my heart won’t get torn apart again.
No, don’t run away just because you’re afraid to get hurt. I have to break the cycle, and believe that even if Harper isn’t the one for me, eventually I will find someone who can accept the fact of my fate and still want to be with me for the long haul. If I keep myself from pursuing happiness, then I’ll never achieve it. All the heartbreak will be worth it when I find my partner. Until then, I have to keep chugging along, and hoping for the best.
After my shift finally ends, I head home and decide to turn on True Blood. After Harper mentioning it on our date, I think maybe I should see what she is obsessed about, and get a feel for what women are falling head over heels for now. The first episode is weird, with lots of nudity, and sex scenes. Oh, now I get it; it’s like porn. They say women get hot and bothered by seeing the acts, but also just sounds. Men are more turned on when they can touch.
I keep watching until after four episodes, and then it starts to get a little better. It starts to give you more on the characters, instead of just focusing on the vampire aspect. One thing I’ll never understand is the fact they treat the women like property, and this turns women on? Men would never get away with this in real life and they know it. But that’s just it, right, it’s a fantasy.
Too many things nowadays portray dark relationships, and even though women find them sexy, in the real world they are not. Stalking is not sexy, and neither is being controlling. Yet, there are movies and books out there that sold millions of copies based on that factor. It makes for men like me to have a harder time finding women. We can’t act like those men and still live with ourselves. There are still some of us who like to treat women with respect, and not like we own them.
I pick up my phone, and start drafting a text to Harper, but delete it. This internal back and forth is not helping, but I need to make a decision. If I wait too long to reach out, she will think I’m not interested.
Why are men expected to be the ones that reach out after a date? Can’t it be a two-way street? It would help a lot if I knew she’s still interested in seeing me. I put the possible rejection out of my mind and make a decision.
It’s settled, I’ll call her tomorrow and ask her out. This will never go anywhere if I don’t at least give it a shot. Am I scared? Yes, but I deserve to be happy, and maybe she won’t freak out about the 5%. Obviously, I am not going to bring it up, but plan to be honest if it does. She deserves to know, especially if we choose to be exclusive later on down the road.
***
The next day, I don’tallow time to second guess before I call Harper. It won’t do me any good, and waiting another day to reach out is asinine. The line trills, as I eagerly wait to hear her voice on the other end. After eight rings, I go to hang up, but right before I hit the end button, her voice sounds.
“Hello?”
“It’s Liam. How are you?”
I hear some shuffling of papers, and then a slight squeal. “Oh, I’m doing great. What’s up?”