Ringmaster

One afternoon, Elke comes back from a bakery in the town with boxes and boxes of cupcakes, frosted pink and white and with white chocolate horses decorating them.

“Ooh! Yum, yum.” I reach for one, but Elke slaps my hand.

“No. Naughty Ryah. They’re for tomorrow.”

I rub my hand. “Why, what’s tomorrow?”

“It’s your birthday, silly. Have you forgotten?”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her to stop being ridiculous, my birthday isn’t until March sixteenth. I look at the calendar on the wall where we cross days off. Tomorrow is the sixteenth. I’ve been so focused on Cale and wondering about the hearing that I’ve lost track of the passing days.

Eighteen tomorrow. It should be a happy occasion, but I don’t think I can pretend everything’s fine when I know Cale’s so unhappy. “Oh, of course it is. Wow. Thank you.”

Elke studies me carefully, and says, “It’s okay to celebrate, even if things are difficult right now. You’re allowed to have a cupcake.”

I smile down at them. They are pretty and look delicious. I can’t remember the last time I had birthday cake on my birthday.

In the morning around the campfire, people hear Elke and Anouk wishing me happy birthday, and they join in. I accept all their well wishes with a smile but look surreptitiously around for Cale between hugs. With all that’s going on with him, he probably won’t notice it’s my birthday, and I won’t be disappointed if that’s the case.

Not much. Probably.

Finally, he emerges from his wagon but heads straight for the horses and makes a fuss of Jareth. I watch him sadly for a few minutes. He starts work on a wagon, hammering a loose board back into place. The sun is highlighting his broad, muscular shoulders. I find myself biting my lip as I watch him, envious of everything he’s touching, because it isn’t me.

Then I get to my feet and start work. It might be my birthday, but I still have plenty to do.

In the afternoon Elke hands around the cupcakes, and as I bite into the buttercream and vanilla cake, I see that Cale has disappeared. I’ve barely seen him all day. He’s always been worried about me because I’m so young, but I’m not young anymore. I’m eighteen, and I guess I subconsciously expected today to be a step forward in our relationship. For us to feel more equal. He doesn’t need to be so careful anymore. He can let himself off the leash a little. And…what?

And put his hands all over my body.

I quickly take another bite of the soft, sweet cupcake, just in case I lose all control and suddenly say such a ridiculous thing out loud. He’s grieving. This isn’t the time to be thinking about Cale in that way.

That night, I stand in the backstage area next to Cale, dressed in my red catsuit. He’s stretching his fingers and looking straight ahead, focused on waiting for our cue. It’s the closest I’ve been to him all day, but he still hasn’t wished me happy birthday. I open my mouth to say something, but suddenly the music and lights change, and he steps out into the arena.

I swallow a groan of frustration and sit down on the board, waiting to be carried into the arena by the stagehands.

After my part in the show is over, I go back to my wagon and get changed. The leftover cupcakes are sitting on my bed. I stare at them, feeling guilty that almost everyone was nice to me and hugged me and I even got cake, and I’m miserable.

I take one of the cupcakes and head back to the tent. The show is over and the crowds have dispersed. Almost all the performers have gone too, but I find Cale backstage, checking over his knives.

I go over to him, and wordlessly hold out the cupcake.

He slides a knife back into its holster and smiles. “Oh, cute. What’s the occasion?”

“My birthday.”

He stares at the cupcake. Then he presses the heel of his hand to his forehead. “I’m so sorry. Today’s the sixteenth, isn’t it?”

So he did know the date. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. He puts his hand on my shoulders and looks down at me earnestly.

“Happy birthday. I hope it was a wonderful day for you.” His hands slip from my shoulders and he takes the cupcake from me.

This can’t be all that happens today. I don’t know what I expected, but I want more. More from him. More of him.

I want that kiss again.

He holds up the cupcake. “Want to walk back to the fire and share it with me?”

Not knowing what else to, I follow him and we sit down next to each other. We pass the cupcake back and forth between us, taking bites until it’s all gone. Cale’s still in his performance clothes and he looks sleek and handsome, and the firelight gleams on the brocade of his jacket.