Homeless Heart

Phin

I sat next to my father's bed and took his cold hand again. Once the ladies were out the door, he started by telling me about his cancer, the diagnosis, the treatments, and the potential outcome. Discussing his illness, enabled us to avoid the elephant in the room. I wasn't ready for that pain and neither was he by the looks of him. Several times he coughed, and the nurse popped her head in to make sure he was okay. He continued his oration, spouting off percentages of survival rates and cures. I listened and nodded, taking it all in, and I was a little shocked at how crisp his mind was with all this data. I had a feeling he was doing his best to be his old self, commanding and always in control. He was putting on a brave facade of being on top of his illness, but I knew this was about his pride and not a reality. Once he'd finished his confession, I knew it was time for me to speak up.

"Father, I wanted to thank you for your letter and your apology."

"I am sorry it's taken so long for me to say it."

"As much as I appreciate the struggle to say it, there's one thing missing from that letter. You never confessed to abusing me, Father."

"I said I was sorry." His father looked away, and I heard the catch in his voice.

"I know, but I need you to say the words. The words are important to me." I stopped myself from saying more because I wouldn’t beg him.

He finally looked at me and tears were brimming in his eyes that matched my own. "I am sorry I abused you, Phin."

The confession was all I needed to hear as I let the tears flow.

"Thank you."

After a few minutes, my father who was never one for beating around the bush said, "Phin, I am getting tired and will need to sleep soon. I need to ask you something."

"Yes, Father?" I needed for him to ask me to do this for my peace of mind.

"Phineas, I want you to look after your mother when I am gone."

"You don't need my bone marrow?"

"No, I won't have you do this because of some obligation to get your inheritance. I am sorry if your mother has given you false information. We've discussed this, and she feels that you should give me your bone marrow if you're a match. I don't agree with that."

I was shocked by his matter-of-fact declaration. I wasn't sure if I was angry or disappointed. "This isn't about the money, Father. I will do this despite the fact Mother initially tried to blackmail me."

"She told me about that after she'd seen you. I can't ask you to do it."

"I thought you wanted me to do this, what's changed your mind? I was willing to do this despite the money." My leg began to bounce as I tried to hide my frustration.

My father looked away from me out toward the window, which had a million-dollar view of the Northern California hillside.

"I want to help you." I stood quietly, waiting for him to speak.

Still staring out the window, unable to look me in the eye, he whispered, "Phineas, I don't deserve your help or forgiveness. I deserve to die from this painful disease and endure every minute of it without any relief. I don't even deserve for you to call me Father. You should take the money and be happy."

My body felt like he just kicked me in the chest with his big boot. Leaning against the bed, I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice and not to break down in front of him. He needed to know now that I was healthy and could handle this no matter what had happened in the past. I wouldn't let his words ever break me again.

"Father, I've made arrangements to get the money from the lawyers, so I am doing it because I want to do it. I promise I am working on forgiving you. Can you promise to show me that you and Mother have changed? All this pain is like cancer; we can't let it live and fester killing all the good cells. I am asking you for the first time in my life for something, Father. I'm asking for you to put your stupid pride away and get better for Mother. She needs you . . . and I need you."

This declaration shocked my father so much he whipped his head around to look me in the eye. He looked confused, and the pain in his voice was evident. "You need me?"

I didn't wipe away the tears streaming down my face. I would no longer hide anything from my father.

"Yes, Father. I've only ever needed your love and acceptance."

"Phin, I've changed, you'll have to believe me. If we have the time, I'll show you."

"You will have to prove you've changed in your attitude and behavior. Lizzie and I will be married soon, and hopefully, have kids. I want our kids to know my family too, but only if you get a better body and soul. If you can't make a promise to me that you have changed, then I will leave here with Lizzie, and we won't come back again unless it's for your funeral." I had done it! I'd stepped up to my father, and it felt amazing. Instead of wanting to cry, I wanted to jump up and down. My heart was beating fast, and there was a smile on my face.

"What's it going to be, Father?"