Nothing Feels Better (Better Love 3)

I consider his words. His proposition.

Oh my god, am I being propositioned?

I stare over his shoulder. Watch the flowers blowing in the slight breeze. What do I even say to this? My heart pounds in my ears. Do I want to be propositioned? I bite my lip. By him? Yes. Yes, I do.

My skin tingles at the possibilities, and just as quickly I’m reminded of how different we are.

No one’s gonna want you. Especially not Jesse.

I wince at Patrick’s voice in my head. My loudest insecurities always sound like him.

“You can say no.” Jesse breaks into my thoughts, and when I look at him, his face is a mask. Impassive. “You can say no, Jocelyn. Your feelings come first. What do you want?”

What do I want?

“I don’t want to say no,” I whisper, and his lips turn up into a slow smile.

“Yeah?”

“The kids can’t know,” I say quickly, and he nods. Then I think of what would happen if Patrick found out, and I add, “No one can know. Not Patrick. Not even your friends.”

“Okay,” he says with a curt nod. “Sure. Keep it quiet. Got it.”

“Just for the summer?”

“Sure, Classic.” His small smile grows. “Let’s see what happens.”

He pulls me closer, kisses me again, and doesn’t stop touching me. Not while we eat and chat and laugh, and not after, while we lie sprawled on the blanket, surrounded by wildflowers, and watch the sun go down in an explosion of oranges, pinks, and purples.

When he drops me off, it’s late, and I don’t invite him in. He kisses me goodbye with a promise to see me soon. The house is dark and quiet when I walk through the door. Like always, I miss June and Jude. I always miss them when they’re not here. To my surprise, I also miss Jesse. Minutes after he drives away, something deep in my chest aches for him. For his buzzing energy and the easy way he makes me laugh. For the feeling of lightness, ofweightlessness, I get in his presence.

Just for the summer. God, this is probably a terrible idea.

After showering and climbing into bed, I take out Roxanne’s camera to look over the photos from today. I’ve captured some great shots of the landscape and flowers, and a small flicker of pride blooms in my chest. My eyes catch on one of Jesse smiling brightly by the creek. The camera captured the sun’s reflection off the water’s surface, making him look almost otherworldly. Celestial.

Or like neon.

I smile and run my fingers over my lips, replaying the kisses that took place today. It’s probably a horrible idea, but I still can’t stamp out the giddiness. Can’t tame the shameless smile.

I click through a few more shots until I come upon a few of me. I knew Jesse had taken one, but I wasn’t expecting to see these others.

So many. By the creek. On the trail. In the clearing surrounded by flowers.

My first instinct is to criticize the photos.

Frown at the way my skin is wrinkled by my eyes. The way my hips ripple and flare. How my belly isn’t smooth and flat. My first instinct is to view the pictures through Patrick’s eyes, and his voice rages in my head. But I fight it. He shouldn’t still have this power over me, where he’s conducting my thoughts like his own personal orchestra.

I squeeze my eyes shut and give my head a shake. Is this how I would want June looking at photos of herself? Through this harsh lens of self-loathing?

I open my eyes and look at the photos again.

The setting is beautiful. It was such a perfect day. And I’m smiling so big. Laughing outright in a few, and I can recall the exact moment those photos were taken because I can recall exactly what I was laughing about.

I look pretty. I look weightless. I look happy.

My phone pings with a notification on my bedside table.

Jesse: Thinkin bout u

My lips curl upward and a giggle bubbles out of me. I stare at my phone. What do I even say? That he’s on my mind? That I miss him? Would that freak him out? I decide to go with honesty.

Me: I’m thinking about you too.

Me: Thank you for today.

Jesse: Always

Another text comes in telling me to sleep well, followed by a few emojis. A moon, a star, a blue heart, a pink flower. I push away every nagging worry and send him back one emoji. An orange heart, because it reminds me of the sunset we watched just a few hours ago.

When I fall asleep, it’s with a quiet mind and small smile on my lips.