A Day of Ruin

Bryson turned to face her, a small smile on his face as he looked down at her.

“It’s fine, it’s fine...” I muttered, feeling uneasy watching the exchange. But I wasn’t fine. In fact, I was fucking falling apart.

I tried to tell myself it would be okay, that Bryson had never been interested in Skylar and they were work colleagues.

Like we were.

Flashbacks of us nearly kissing appeared in my mind and that shitty feeling of hope appeared again.

But it was soon blown to pieces as I watched in horror as Skylar leaned up on her toes and kissed Bryson. Time stood still and from a distance I wasn’t sure if Bryson was frozen or was kissing her back.

Pain exploded in my chest and I tugged at my scalp, trying to calm myself as the world started spinning out of control. It felt like the air was thin, and the sensation of vertigo hit me as I stumbled forward, desperate to get to the apartment and away from here.

I couldn’t even tell you how I made it home, only that through the fog and agony I found myself in my bedroom. My body was violently heaving with sobs as I broke down on the floor, unable to muffle my cries.

It was too much. All too much.

No matter what I did, it was never enough. It was never going to be enough.

I was sick of fighting it. I was over fucking trying to survive. It was like I was swimming in the stormy ocean with my legs chained together.

The boxes under my bed were peaking out. I didn’t remember having pulled them out so far but I just no longer cared.

I grabbed the box furthest under the bed, popping the lid off as I looked at dad’s stuff. Shiny silver caught my attention under a photo frame and I reached in slowly, my fingers wrapping around the decorative blade.

Dad always did like his collectables. He always said ‘you never know what might be worth something one day’.

The blade was small, only four or so inches. The handle was cold, the metal hard with carvings that looked like vines. No splash of color or design – just plain and simple.

My fingers twirled the end of the blade between them as the handle pressed into my palm. My brows furrowed as I looked at it inquisitively.

I could just end the pain. End the misery.

I used to always say that suicide wasn’t the way out. That it caused wounds and scars for the people left behind. But I didn’t have anyone to leave behind. The only people who cared about me were already dead. Everyone else hated me. Except Lily – but she would be fine. We barely knew each other. It was for the best. I didn’t want to ruin her life like I did everyone else’s.

Images of Bryson kissing Skylar came to life in my mind. Bryson was always so nice to me, even when he kept his distance and tried to avoid me.

As for Finn and Dex...

They had made themselves clear with their words. The stabbing pain I felt replaying their voices was more than any pain I would ever physically feel. Because the truth was I missed them. I missed them so fucking much it hurt.

But they didn’t want me and I meant nothing to them.

I was better off trying again in another life. But the shit thing?

I deserved a better goodbye.

Shuffling back against the wall under the window sill, I stared at the closed bedroom door.

“They’ll be better off...” I told myself, convinced that I was making the right decision. At the very least, I won’t have to worry about a crazed stalker getting me. I’ll be free.

I’ll be free.

I’m setting myself free.

A wave of calmness washed over me at the thought and I took a deep breath, holding the blade against my forearm.

I closed my eyes, picturing the smiling faces of my parents. Would they be waiting for me?

I’m coming home mom and dad.

The blade dug into my skin and I bit my lip, holding back a hiss as it tore open the skin. I took another deep breath, my thoughts clearing as I made peace with my decision. My hand tightened around the handle and I peaked my eyes open, watching a thin droplet of blood slide to the underside of my wrist.

“On three...” I mumbled to myself, steadying myself as I once again closed my eyes and angled the blade upwards.

One.

Two.

Three.

This was it. I was finally free.