Finding Him (Covet 2)

“Do you let yourself feel it?” I countered, finally meeting her gaze. “Have you cried yet?”

Her exhale was rough. “I’m afraid if I start I won’t stop.”

“You would stop,” I whispered.

“How do you know?”

“Because”—I kissed her temple—“I would hold you until you did.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “How would that help you?”

“Helping you helps me—but I’d like to think that somewhere, my mom would nod her head and give me a small smile that said that’s exactly the sort of man she tried to raise me to be. It would be an honor, you know . . . catching your tears.”

I leaned over and swiped my thumbs under her eyes. “I won’t tell.”

And just like that, Keaton burst into tears, and I pulled her into my lap and held her like she deserved, swearing to the universe that I would fight for her, fight for whatever this was, until my dying breath.

Chapter Thirty-Two

KEATON

I woke up in Julian’s arms. They were warm, solid, everything that I’d come to expect from him—stable. Weeks ago, I would have laughed had someone said I would be waking up in Julian Tennyson’s bed.

And now? I couldn’t imagine any better way to wake up.

I used to sleep next to Noah, but I was always so worried something would happen to him that I woke up every hour on the hour.

I frowned harder, remembering all those times I would call his nurse, ask him if he ate, make sure he washed his hands over and over again.

I was more nurse in the end than I was partner, and that was the truth that I was afraid to talk about in my book.

You watch romantic movies about people falling in love and saying that they’ll be with each other until their dying breath and it sounds so wonderful, but they leave out the messy part.

The puking.

The pain.

They leave out the side effects of that forever love and tell you it’s magical when it’s nothing like that in reality. It’s a lot of sleepless nights, medicine, machines buzzing, and false hope.

“Hey.” Julian’s sleep-filled voice was so delicious that I wanted to make it my ringtone, which was crazy. I burrowed under the covers and pressed my hand against his bare chest.

“Hi.”

“Here.” He handed me something cold. An ice pack? I slowly peeled back the covers and stared at him. “For your eyes.”

“Are they swollen?” I asked.

His smile was warm, lazy, and sexy all at once. “No.”

“Liar.”

He laughed. “Breakfast should be here in the next hour. I got bacon . . .”

I took the ice pack, pressed it against my eyes, and winced. “Bacon!”

“Knew that would excite you.” He chuckled. “So I know we have some writing to do today, but while you were lying there snoring—”

“I do not snore,” I interrupted.

“Sure, okay, you woke me up out of a dead sleep three times because I thought that the building was crashing down around us—”

I threw the ice pack toward him. It fell between us. He just picked it up and pressed it gently to my face.

“As I was saying before I was rudely attacked . . .”

I made a face.

“My brother wanted to have dinner tonight. Because of the promise I made to my mom, we started going out for these Sunday dinners. Do you want to come?”

I did.

More than anything.

“Where’s the dinner?” I asked, hoping it didn’t give away the panic I felt at being in public with him. I wasn’t ready yet. The world wouldn’t understand. When did they ever understand anyway?

Julian’s smile was tight as he looked away. “Don’t worry about it, I know you had a rough day yesterday and aren’t feeling well.”

“Julian.”

He started walking away.

“Julian!”

He stopped at the door, hanging his head, giving me his back.

“I’m sorry, Julian, it’s just . . . it’s too soon.”

“Too soon for you?” he asked without turning around. “Or too soon for everyone else?”

I opened my mouth to say something.

I knew he was right.

It wasn’t too soon for me.

No matter how many times I tried to say it was, no matter how much guilt I inflicted on myself.

I wanted Julian.

I couldn’t explain it with words, I just knew the way I had known with Noah, but I didn’t know how to keep my promise to the man in my past and also be with the man I saw for my future.

The doorbell rang.

Julian kept walking, and the smell of breakfast filled the large apartment. I needed to apologize. I also needed food. I pressed a hand to my growling stomach and then very slowly got out of Julian’s comfortable bed and made my way into the kitchen only to see a few Barneys bags sitting on the counter along with the food. “What’s this?”

Julian looked up, his smile wasn’t as bright as before. I wanted it back, I wanted the look he gave me this morning, I wanted his strong arms wrapped around me telling me he’d hold me until my tears were all dried up.