Mine To Have (Southern Wedding 1)

"You were going to get married," she says, her voice in almost a whisper. "You were literally at the altar getting ready to get married."

"Yet, here I am," I say. "Sitting at a table with you. Where I’m meant to be. Do you think I would be here if I wasn’t meant to be here?"

"I have no idea." She shrugs.

"You walking into the church was a sign. I knew that I didn’t love her. At least, not the way I should. Not the way someone should when they are going to be married. Do I love Jennifer? She’s a great person." I swallow the lump in my throat. "But what I felt for you." I shake my head to correct myself. "What I feel for you, it’s so much fucking more."

"How can you say that?" she asks and I can see the struggle she is going through and I hate that we are doing this.

"Because I can," I finally say. "Because it’s the truth. Because after four fucking years, it’s time to get it all out there." The nerves run through me. "Four years ago, I let you go without talking to you. I was wrong," I admit. "Four years ago, letting you go shattered me. Literally." The lump in my throat forms into the size of a golf ball. "I don’t even know how I made it through the exams, and to be honest, I don’t really remember much of anything for a good year. It was like I was in a daze. I got up every day, did what I had to do, and then the next day started over again. Like Groundhog Day, except it was my life." If I give her anything, it will be the whole picture, the good, the bad, the ugly. "For two years, no one could say your name around me." I look down at my hands and they nervously tap the table as a tear slips out. "I couldn’t even think of you without having this crushing pain in my chest. It was hard to breathe, and then I met Jennifer and she was nice. I knew that what I felt for her wasn’t love because it was nothing, and I mean nothing, like what I felt for you. I figured that what you and I had was something that you will never get again." I smile sadly. "So I settled on just feeling content. I told myself it didn’t matter that my heart didn’t speed up when she called my name. I told myself that it didn’t matter that we would go sometimes weeks without seeing each other. I told myself it was fine that I wasn’t attached to her. I told myself all these things because I knew deep inside me, you were the only one I would ever feel that with and I had lost you." I wipe the tear that is coming, the pounding of my heart in my chest is echoing. "I remember my father once telling me a story about how he knew my mother was the one. How he would get antsy if my mother wasn’t around. How just her being in the room would make him feel okay. How with just one little touch from her and he would settle. I knew that was what you should feel. I knew that because I felt it with you." I swallow the guilt. "But then I felt none of that and I thought it was because you only get one love your whole life, and I knew you were it." Now that I’m sitting here looking at her, talking to her, touching her, I know that there is going to be no one else for me. That she is it. She was always meant for me. We were always meant for each other.

"Travis." She says my name and I look at her, seeing tears running down her face. "This is." She shakes her head. "It’s just too much."

I shake my head and push my chair away from the table, getting up and going to her. I turn her chair to face me with her still seated in it. She bends her head, not showing me the tears, and I squat down in front of her. "Harlow." I say her name as her hand comes out to wipe away the tear that is escaping out of the corner of her eye. I put my finger under her chin and raise her eyes to look at me. "This is everything." I rub my thumb over her cheek, wiping the tear that is rolling down her cheek. "Seeing you again, it just." I stop speaking because the lump is so big. "It made me see that there isn’t anyone out there for me but you."

"Travis." Her lower lip trembles.