Lover (Betrothed 3)

Ash stared at me for a long time. “Go home and start over.”

I lifted my gaze to meet his.

“It’s time to talk about the thing you don’t want to talk about.”

When I came home, she was sitting in the armchair by the fire, an open book between her hands. She was in a loose t-shirt and sweatpants. Maybe she wore the extra clothes because it was wintertime, or maybe she wore them so I wouldn’t see her. The woman I used to know would rather be naked because I could keep her warm.

She looked up when she noticed me. “Did you have a good time?”

No, not at all. “Yeah.”

“I’m glad you got out of the house. You must feel cooped up in here.”

Being in the bedroom with her all day would never suffocate me. But our distance did choke me. “We need to talk.” I grabbed the book and pulled it out of her hands. I was dreading this with every beat of my heart. I was dreading this because I was a coward. I was dreading this because once her tears fell, mine would too.

She rose to her feet and tensed noticeably, her arms crossing over her chest. She didn’t look like the strong woman I used to know. Now, she was timid and afraid, no longer fearless. She probably knew exactly what was coming next, and she dreaded it as much as I did.

I was always comfortable with my posture, and my hands always knew where to rest. But now I didn’t know where to put them. I didn’t know if I should touch her or keep them in my pockets. I didn’t know if I should look her in the eye or stare at the ground. When I’d agreed to marry her, I’d agreed to the happy aspects of marriage, the newlywed phase. But I wasn’t ready for the hard times, the moments that could break us forever.

She remained quiet, like she didn’t know what to say.

That meant I had to rip off the bandage. “We need to talk about what happened.”

She kept her eyes on the floor. “I don’t want to. Just leave it alone…”

“I can’t leave it alone. You won’t talk with your mother about it, but that doesn’t matter. You should talk to me. I’m your husband. That’s what I’m supposed to do. That’s my job…to help you through this.”

She stayed quiet, but her breathing escalated. Clearly, she was trying to bottle her emotion, trying to pretend she was fine.

I wanted to die. “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. If you aren’t ready to talk, you don’t have to. But I want you to know that I don’t see him when I look at you, that I see you as the same woman you’ve always been. I want you whenever you want me, and my desire for you has only grown after all this. You’re still mine…I’m still yours.”

She finally lifted her gaze to look at me, drops of moisture on her eyelashes. She sniffed slightly, but the tears didn’t fall.

“You’ve been distant with me for a while now. It gets worse every passing day. The last thing I want is for us to drift further apart. We can’t let this divide us. That’s exactly what he wants. Please don’t push me away. You get dressed in the bathroom so I can’t look at you. You don’t want me to touch you in bed if our embrace is anything but innocent.” My eyes shifted back and forth as I looked at her face, hoping for some emotion from her. “I’ll never pressure you. I’ll never ask for anything you aren’t ready to give. I can wait as long as you want me to…because I don’t want anyone else but you. But don’t push me away.”

She gave a slight nod and sniffed again.

I stepped closer to her because it seemed okay. “I’m so sorry….” I took a deep breath because I felt the tears flood my eyes. Nothing could ever bring me to tears…except this one woman. I felt her pain a million times over. She thought she was alone in this, but she was never alone. Every day that she had been gone, I had still been with her…suffering. I steadied my emotion so the drops wouldn’t drip down my cheeks, but the tears were visible in my eyes. “It’s my fault that this happened to you…and I’ll never forgive myself.”

“No…it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. I’m the reason this happened. And I should’ve gotten you out sooner.”

“Stop.” She took a step toward me and placed her palm on my chest. “It’s no one’s fault. It happened, and we’ll get through it.” Her hands cupped my cheeks as she brought my face close to hers. Her teary eyes mirrored my own.

“We will,” I whispered. “And I’ll kill him. I promise you that.”