Flawless Ruin

Now, I’m going to see it for myself.

I navigate around the many buses and tour groups pulling up outside, and purchase a ticket, then spend a couple hours, walking around the ruins of the famous amphitheater, taking it all in. The guidebook has portraits of some of the famous nobility who presided over the city, and I can’t help seeing Caleb’s face in their proud, stern features.

Caleb.

I sigh, and cast my mind back to a different time, not so long ago, when he’d taken me on a quite different trip than this one. He’d been so relaxed in the Hamptons: Casual, attentive, focused on me every step of the way.

My heart twists with yearning as the memory lingers in my mind.

I look around for distraction, but my eyes catch on a couple, strolling among the pillars on the other side of the amphitheater. They’re clearly in love, holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes. Every once in a while, her giggle echoes among the walls. They’re so happy, it only makes my heart ache more.

I’ll never have that. Not with Caleb, at least.

And a part of me knows, it’s all my fault.

Sure, he’s angry, and cruel, and trying to hurt me, but only because I betrayed him first.

I went behind his back. I lied. I did Olivia’s dirty work, trying to bring the whole empire down.

Is it any wonder he can barely look at me?

Should I really be so surprised that he’s trying to punish me for that betrayal?

I walk on, trying to focus on the tour, but an unwelcome name leaps off the page right there in front of me.

‘Emperor Nero was renowned as the most ruthless, cruel ruler of all…’

Nero. Yet another reminder.

I slam the book shut, and make my way to the exit, but even as I emerge back onto the sunny streets, strolling past more impressive ruins, I can’t shake the memory of Nero’s cold stare—and not-so-veiled warning. If I’m freaked out by the guy, I can only imagine what Caleb must be feeling. Trying to cover up for the sins of his father. His family’s reputation on the line.

It’s clear, the pressure is crushing him, but still, it’s no excuse for taking that anger out on me.

You don’t hurt the people you care about, which means he mustn’t care about me. At least, not enough to matter.

Not enough to see us through this mess.

I should chalk it up to a lost cause and move on.

And yet…

There’s a reason my job hunt petered out, and it’s not the slew of rejection letters I received. I have to face it. The reason I stopped sending out resumes is because part of me still wants to be near him. No matter how much he hurts me, I’m still holding on to what we were. What we could be again, in my wildest dreams.

Connected. Passionate. Happy.

Maybe it’s not rational, but a part of me still aches to make amends with Caleb. To fix the damage I did. I should’ve never signed on with Olivia. I should’ve known that hurting anyone wasn’t something I could do. I can’t stop beating myself up over conspiring to betray him. Maybe that’s why I feel like I deserve his punishment, that I need to make up for hurting him. That I need to help him.

But will he even let me? Yes, the sex is explosive, the chemistry off-the-charts, but what good is that if he never trusts me again? Am I just fooling myself, hoping things could go back to the way it was?

What if I’m the lost cause here?

The questions whirl in my mind for hours that morning as I stroll the piazzas and winding streets of Rome, until I find myself in a pretty square, lined with cafes surrounding a central ornate fountain. Tourists are tossing coins in, making a wish, so I pull a euro from my pocket and wonder if it will make a difference. What would I wish, if it could come true?

For Caleb’s forgiveness?

Or his love?

I’m contemplating the choice when I hear my name being called. I look around, confused – until I see Caleb, sitting under an umbrella at a small sidewalk café. He’s wearing sunglasses and blends in with the locals so effortlessly, I almost don’t recognize him.