In Between

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“GET IN,” HErepeated as I stood there, frozen. His voice softened. “Please.”

I had spent the last week convincing myself that I would never see or talk to him again, and I had even almost convinced myself that I was fine with it. But now, with Damien standing ten feet from me, powerful and painfully beautiful, I couldn’t catch my breath. He was here. And maybe I was stupid for feeling that burst of joy at seeing him again, but I didn’t care.

I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around him, kiss him, and never let go, but I couldn’t forgive him that easily. I needed to stay strong. So instead of following my impulses, as strong as they may have been, I walked slowly to the car and slipped into the backseat, completely silent. Damien watched intently, then sat back down in the driver’s seat and drove down the street. We sat in uncomfortable silence for a few long minutes until Damien finally spoke.

“Why did you leave?” His voice was soft and somber, so unlike his usual carefree self that it made my heart ache.

I kept my own voice calm and straightforward. “Alex told me you two only wanted me as a fuck toy and that you were getting sick of me. Figured I’d do you a favor and get out of your hair.” Saying it aloud felt liberating, like I was finally releasing it from a pent-up cage inside of me.

“And you believed him?” I could see his furrowed brow in the rearview mirror.

I paused. “Well, yeah . . . I don’t know. What reason would he have to lie? Why else would he say something like that otherwise?”

Damien was silent, and I held my breath waiting for his response. “He heard you on the phone telling someone that you were moving in a couple of months, and he freaked out. He was hurt that you hadn’t told us, so he lashed out. He probably won’t admit it aloud, but he definitely feels something for you. He thought getting you away now would minimize his hurt in the long run. Obviously, he’s an idiot, and he never said these things to me, but I’ve known him long enough to know exactly why he would act this way. And whatever he said about how I supposedly feel is bullshit. You should know that.” His voice broke on the last few words. Tears threatened to spill over in my eyes as I took in every word he said. He didn’t hate me. He was sad I left. But that still couldn’t change anything long-term.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Why couldn’t you have just told us that you were planning on leaving?”

“I—I never planned on getting attached to you guys. It was pure coincidence that I ended up meeting you in the first place, and then I sort of assumed you wanted me more for sex than a relationship. You could have anyone you want, so I didn’t figure I would be anything more than a ‘quick fuck,’ as Alex so affectionately referred to me. I didn’t feel the need to tell you at first, and then I didn’t want to ruin it once we started getting closer.”

“I did want you, and for more than just sex. I do want you. From the moment I laid eyes on you that first night in the bar, I wanted you. And I know that sounds insane, because we haven’t known each other for very long, but there’s something about you . . . Even if it’s only for a couple more months, please stick around. Spending time with you just these last few weekends has been the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time. Everything with you just feels . . . right. And easy. Like I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’m sure Alex feels the same way, and that’s why he pushed you away. He’s scared to feel again, even if he won’t admit any of this.”

“Why would he do that, though? Intentionally hurt me if he supposedly likes me in the same way you do?”

Damien sighed. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m going to. Just don’t say anything to Alex. I know it’s the oldest story in the book, but his mom was a piece of shit, which automatically made him distrustful of women since he was a kid. She’d leave him at home for days to fend for himself by the time he was six, and she liked to take her anger out on him on the frequent occasions when she came home drunk. When we met, he was sixteen and trying to get out of that house by any means possible. I took him in and let him stay at my apartment. A few years later, he started dating Renee, which was great until she fucked him over. That was sort of the nail in the coffin for him.”

Now it was my turn to be silent. What was I supposed to say? Damien seemed genuine in his feelings for me, but I didn’t know how to reconcile everything with Alex. He’d been hurt a lot in the past, but I couldn’t just accept his hurtful behavior toward me because of something someone else had done to him. My parents didn’t give a shit about me my whole life either, but I didn’t treat other people poorly because of it. “I’m sorry,” I repeated to Damien. I didn’t know what else to say.

He heaved a heavy sigh and said, “It’s okay. We’ll figure things out.”

The lights of the town zipped by, blurred through my slow tears, as Damien drove through the streets.

“Where are we going?”

“Where would you like to go?”

“I don’t know . . . my plan for tonight was just to drink and forget about everything.”

“Well I’m here now, so you don’t need to forget about me anymore. Everything is fine again.” The edge of his lips curved up into a small smile. My heart warmed at the fact that he was joking with me again.

Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that my odd relationship with them accounted for only half of my issues now. I still had to worry about money and living for a month without an apartment. And I wasn’t about to ask to stay with them after how this past weekend had unfolded. Especially since Damien and Alex had already been wary about letting me know they had money in the first place. I answered his joke with a small laugh. “Yep.”

“So, do you still feel like going out tonight? I know of a place we can go.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as he looked over his shoulder and into the backseat.

“Stop looking at me and keep your eyes on the road! But yes, I’d still like to go out. Looks like you were planning on going somewhere anyway,” I said, noting the suit he wore.

“I wasn’t. I was in meetings all day today. But Alex wanted me to come out with him, and I just couldn’t until I knew you were okay. You scared the hell out of me by not responding all week.”

“Sorry. Things have been . . . overwhelming lately. I needed some space.”

“You could have just said that and I would have left you alone. I figured you may be out on the town tonight considering your tendency to drink your worries away, and I was determined to go to every bar in the city until I found you.”

“Thank you. I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” It was the truth. He had helped me feel alive again, he had treated me with kindness, and he had given me the best sex of my life (along with Alex, but I didn’t want to think about him right now).

“So, I never asked. Why California?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I just need something . . . new. Adventure, excitement, something that isn’t my current life.”

“And do you really think you’re going to find that just by moving to a new place?” His question was genuine, not mocking. After a moment of silence, he continued, “I hope I’m not overstepping here, but I think you’re trying to run from something that’s inescapable, just like Alex does. You like to hide from the world in your comfortable little corner, playing it safe rather than throwing yourself out there. When you go to California, are you really going to confront whatever is holding you back, or do you hope that a major change in your environment will be enough to spur an emotional one?”

My jaw hung open while I stared wordlessly at him. I wanted to shoot back some snarky response, but he was right. I was hoping that this big, drastic move would be the catalyst for something greater in my life despite me not ever addressing my fears.

After realizing that he was staring at me and waiting for some sort of response, I simply shook my head. “You’re right,” I said barely above a whisper.

Damien quieted again and drove down the interstate as I let myself get lost in my thoughts staring out the window. Eventually, he turned off on an exit about ten miles past the one to his house. It was definitely one of the nicer areas in the surrounding cities.

We arrived at a nightclub that looked much fancier than the ones I had ever been to. Men in suits and women in cocktail dresses lined the outside wall leading to the door, where a large man—around the same size as Damien, actually—guarded the entrance. Damien’s arm snaked around my waist as we made our way to the door, an act of possession as well as tenderness that made my stomach flip. I smiled, unable to hold back my happiness at being back with him. He had been nothing but kind to me every time we were together, yet I had let Alex’s words get to me. I may not forgive Alex, but Damien had done nothing wrong. Still, how would I be able to reconcile spending time with Damien when he and Alex were basically a package deal?

That, I decided, was a problem for later.