I'm Not in Love

I walk around the turf field and join Tara, who doesn’t greet me. But Wendy does. “Emmie! Mommy says next year, I can play soccer with the Weebles.” She points to the coed team she’s been watching.

“I’m sure you’ll be a very good soccer player, sweetie.”

“Jared told me you’re not gonna cuddle Uncle Tis is his bed no more.”

Nothing like getting emotionally sucker punched by a preschooler. “Uh, yeah. I guess he’s right.”

Tara glances at me and smiles with disdain. “From the mouths of babes, huh?”

“I’m a big girl!” Wendy’s lower lip protrudes.

“Big girls don’t pout,” Tara points out and turns her attention to the boys’ game. Jared is chosen to start, leaving Tommy rather bent out of shape on the sideline. We watch in relative silence—I can’t resist calling out a few tips to Jared—until Tommy gets pulled from the bench.

“Finally,” she mutters. “I am paying for both boys to play.”

“Tommy looks younger than most of the other boys on the team,” I remark.

“I can’t exactly get two boys to two different age group leagues. I’d be here every night of the week and it’s impossible with my job—so I asked if Tommy could be on Jared’s team.”

“He’s going to have to earn his playing time, seeing as he’s with older boys.”

“I suppose. Next year’s gonna be a challenge—I’ll be taking Wendy to preschool league too. Good thing the little ones only play once a week.”

“I’ll help,” I offer.

“You’ll be long gone by then, Remi.”

I don’t know what to say to her easy dismissal, so I shut my mouth. Still, it stings.

Tara isn’t finished, though. “I didn’t want you to see the kids at all, but Tris told me I was wrong. He said you’re great with them, and it’d hurt all of you if I said, ‘take a hike, Coach Remi’ like I wanted to.”

“Maybe he’s right.”

“Well, I’m not so worried about you. But them…” She nods toward the boys and then at Wendy. “They don’t deserve to be hurt.”

“Thanks for letting me come tonight.” This conversation isn’t much fun, but it needs to happen if I’m going to be part of Jared, Tommy, and Wendy’s lives. Something I’m surprisingly committed to.

“I’m just gonna say it right up front. You screwed up royally with my brother. Even if Tris has no clue, I know that you love him—don’t bother denying it.”

I don’t deny it. I stare at the game and listen to what she has to say.

“You’re a coward, so you pushed him away.” When her eyes fill with tears on behalf of her twin, I wish I could melt into the floor. “And to think, I trusted you with his heart.”

“Uh… is he okay?” I hold my breath, wanting her to say he misses me desperately.

“What the fuck do you care?” She answers my question with her own.

“Good thing Tommy didn’t hear your naughty word, Mommy.”

“I shouldn’t have said it, Wendy.”

“I do care about him, Tara.” I’m not sure if I said the words aloud.

When her eyes widen, I know I did. “Then do something about it before it’s too late. Tris loves you, but he’s a survivor. Once you lose his trust, it’ll be a total bitch to get back.”

“Bad, bad Mommy!”

Flustered, Tara stands. “I’ve gotta go to the restroom. Remi, will you stay with Wendy?”

Last time I watched Wendy, I nearly got her killed. “Um, sure.”

“Can I sit on your lap, Emmie?” Wendy climbs on before I have a chance to reply.

I wrap my arms around her and sigh.