Before Him

“She sounds like a good person. When will I get to meet her?”

“Christmas, maybe? If you’re still around.”

“I’ll still be around.” His eyes tighten in the corners.

“That’s not what I meant.” I slide my hands from his face over his chest and down and give a soft chuckle, more at myself because: foot meet mouth. “I just meant if I haven’t worn you out before then.”

With that, Roman falls gracefully on the bed to my right. His elbow bent, he presses his cheek to his fist. “Remind me again, who was the one who had five orgasms?”

“Yeah, you can’t compare because—”

“And who was the one who cried, ‘please, I can’t take it anymore?’” he says, affecting a pitifully breathy tone.

“Uncalled for.” I poke him in the arm. “I can’t imagine why anyone thought you could act.” A heavy rock drops in my stomach, looping back through my insides like a surge of reproach. At least, that’s what it feels like. I almost don’t hear Roman’s response.

“We’ve got eight years of loving to catch up on.”

I force a smile and roll to face the other way, wishing I hadn’t heard. Will it always be like this, or will I learn to live with these tiny reminders?

Late last night, or early this morning, I guess, we’d woken wrapped around each other. I’m not sure who stirred first, but Roman had reached out, setting my skin alight with a single, lingering caress. I’d turned to him like a flower seeking the attention of the sun. No words were exchanged, just fingers and lips and a luxurious kind of passion I don’t think anyone else has ever experienced. If they have, they’ve been keeping it to themselves. As I lay in his arms and we’d each tried to catch our breaths, I’d decided there and then that nothing would keep him from me. I might not deserve him, but I would do my darnedest to try as I made a silent promise to the heavens. If I could keep my secrets, I’d make our little family the centre of my life. I’d love them so well the past wouldn’t matter.

“Better put a call into Drew on Monday and tell him you don’t need to refinance.”

“Why?” It’s spooky how his thoughts seem to be in line with mine.

“You don’t need to protect me, Kennedy.” Roman wraps himself around me, the big spoon to my smaller one, his lips burrowing into my neck. “I’m not leaving my family. Not for anything or anyone.”

“You might get bored.” His deep huff of laughter reverberates through my back. “I’m being serious. Have you ever lived in a small town before?”

“You keep trying to put me off—”

“No, I’m not,” I protest, twisting my head over my shoulder. “We just live a pretty uneventful life. Work, school, eat, bed. Rinse and repeat, day after day, week after week.”

“Sounds heavenly, especially that last part.” His blue eyes shine with such heat and such promise that I tuck my head back against the pillow to hide the effect they have on me. “You’re stuck with me now. And, going back to the start of our conversation, if you’ll pardon my French, your mother can get fucked.”

I smile reflexively, not sure if he can see it but needing to fake the reaction, anyway. If I don’t give my mother money, there’s every chance she’ll tell Roman what she knows, even if she doesn’t really understand what’s at stake. I know it. She doesn’t care who she hurts. The woman is just wired wrong or something. And though she’s talked a big game about going to the press, I know she won’t. I mean, who’s going to pay for that story now? Maybe if the film hits it big . . .

I quash the thought and blow out a deep, calming breath. For the first time, the knowledge that Roman isn’t leaving feels like a cool wash of relief. But it doesn’t alter the fact that I’d prefer Tina to think I’m extorting money from him on her behalf. See, if she thought for one minute I was about to refinance to pay her off, that I was hiding things from him, she’d try to squeeze more out of me. And once there was no more, she’d try to extort a little more from him.

What can I say? Tina is a piece of work.

Of course, I could just refuse to pay her, like Roman suggests. Call her bluff. But I’m pretty sure that would leave me with no peace. More likely, it’ll leave me with no man, no self-respect, and a son who’ll grow to hate me.

No, I’ve gone too far down this path to come clean about it all now.

So I need that loan. Something else to hide from him.

Roman’s arms tighten around me as his foot slides down my calf. “What was it you said about eating earlier?”