Hey, Mister Marshall (St. Mary's Rebels 4)

Right from the beginning. About how my mother died in a car crash and how I was sent to live with him, someone I’d never even heard of until then. Someone who seems to hate my mother for some reason. And someone who hates me because of her, and how he now has control over my life.

After I finish, there’s silence.

This one is longer than the last.

And maybe I should be embarrassed about things. Maybe I should feel awkward because I don’t think I’ve been this vulnerable in front of anyone before. This cut open, but I’m not.

I’m weirdly calm and relieved even.

Maybe because it’s finally out there. I’ve shared my burden.

And I’ve shared with the people I trust.

My girls.

“That douchebag.”

That’s Callie.

Her words trigger Wyn’s response. “I can’t believe he did that. I can’t believe he sent you away.”

“What a fucking asshole.”

This comes from Jupiter.

“Wow, I have no words,” Echo says, shaking her head. “I mean, we all knew that he was a major dick for not letting us graduate, but this is…”

“This is cruel,” Jupiter finishes.

“This is villainous,” Callie adds.

“This is outrageous,” Wyn adds in turn before asking, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Yeah, why didn’t you ever tell us what he did?”

“We all knew you hated him, Poe.” Wyn shakes her head, squeezing my shoulder. “But this is crazy. This is unforgivable. That he’d do that to you. And all because of your mom.”

Callie shakes her head. “And you don’t know what happened between them?”

“No. I have no clue. And…” I swallow. “No one would tell me.”

And I’ve asked.

Not directly to him, because even when we lived under the same roof, we’d hardly run into each other. He would always be busy with his work and all the other city stuff he’s involved in. And honestly, I think us not running into each other was more or less by design.

So I’ve asked Mo about Charlie and him, about their history, about how Charlie knew him. Aside from the usual surface answer that they were classmates and family friends, she’s never told me anything. And as much as I wanted to push her, I didn’t. I had a feeling that she was guarding this secret out of loyalty to him, and I didn’t want to put her out.

That’s not to say that I didn’t snoop.

I did.

Mostly in his study and his bedroom when he wasn’t around.

I never found anything though. Although I’m not sure what I was hoping to find anyway, but still.

I’m as clueless as I was four years ago.

“But you know what,” Jupiter says. “It doesn’t really matter. What happened between them.”

Echo nods. “Yeah. Whatever may have happened, you didn’t do it. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Exactly.” Wyn nods too. “You’re not responsible for your mom’s or his actions.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have to pay the price of whatever may have happened,” Callie says. “He had no right to do those things to you. To take away your love. To send you to St. Mary’s and screw up your life like that.”

They are right.

They are absolutely right.

But the thing is that I know my mom.

I mean, she’s my mom and I loved her to pieces. I wanted her to love me back and so I did everything I could to get her attention. But I also know that she could be… mean.

She could be cruel, my mother.

I saw her use people to her advantage, and then discard them. I saw her make friends and then give them up all in the name of getting ahead. I saw her use me when it suited her — especially with men who liked vulnerable single mothers, trying to do it all in the biz — and then cast me aside when she got the job done.

But it was needed in the business she was in, and so I never held her actions against her.

She had to be cunning.

Sometimes, though, when I think about what my mother must have done, I sympathize with him.

With the devil.

I sympathize because it must have been terrible, right? Whatever she had done. Because he’s so angry and so hateful.

Even after all these years. Even toward me.

But then at the same time, even if she did something, I’m not responsible for it.

I don’t deserve his hatred.

His cruelty.

I don’t deserve to be kept away from my dream: Jimmy.

Which prompts me to say, “Jimmy’s going on tour in four weeks. And I need to be on that tour with him. I need to go with him. He invited me and I intend to go. I have to find a way to go. And I need a new plan.”

I look at all four of them as I continue, “I need a plan where I can leave with Jimmy and get my money. Because I’m not sacrificing either of those things. I need to get out of that asshole’s control. I need to win against him. For once, Jesus fucking Christ, I would love to win against him. I would love to tell him that he can’t control me. In fact, I would love to control him.” I sigh, shaking my head. “Only I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do to make that happen. What do I do? I tried going the route that I thought he’d like. I mean, I offered to do the extra work. Can you believe that?” I throw my hands up in the air. “Can any of you believe that I offered to do work for extra credit? Even I can’t believe I did that. But I did it. I did offer. And he fucking threw it in my face. So I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”