I is for Ian

After dinner, I grabbed the plates and washed up, seemingly surprising her, and she dipped into the bathroom to change into sweatpants and a T-shirt. I couldn’t help noticing she had also removed her bra. Her nipples just barely poked through the soft fabric of her shirt, and I tried to avert my eyes.

“I think I’m going to try my luck that the electricity will still work in the morning, and I can get a shower then,” she said.

“It should,” I said. “I think we’ve got another day or so left of juice.” There was an awkward pause as she leaned against the wall. I wanted to close the gap between us and press her into the bookshelf that was built into three of the four walls and kiss her soft-looking lips. I couldn’t get how she felt on top of me downstairs out of my mind. “You can have the bed,” I blurted out.

“Oh, really?” she asked. “I just didn’t want to impose since…”

“No, it’s fine. I can wheel the cot in here. Or sleep on the couch. The couch would probably do fine,” I said, tripping over my words. “You just go on and get some rest. I’ll be out here in case anything happens.”

“Thank you,” she said, looking grateful. “I’ll be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to sleeping in the cots next door. They aren’t the softest mattresses.”

“Sure, sure. That one is really nice. Took everything I had to get up earlier. Good night.”

“Good night, Ian,” she said, smiling softly.

Our eyes lingered for a moment. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.

Slowly, she closed the door behind her, and when I heard the latch click, I sighed and let my head fall back. Since when did I stumble over my words this much? Why did she do that to me? Was it because twenty-four hours ago I felt like throwing her into the sun? Was there some magical, mystical element to hating someone and then suddenly wanting to kiss every single inch of their body?

I didn’t know. All I knew was that I had a raging hard-on and needed to get some rest. I pulled out the blankets that I had set out for myself earlier while the steak was cooking and made a bed on the couch. I wished I had grabbed the cot. The couch was at least a foot too short for me to lie out in all the way. The cots weren’t much better, but like Carl said, they were sturdy and comfortable enough.

I lay down, tucking the pillow almost all the way around to be under my chin, and tried to will the image of her tight T-shirt and perky, erect nipples out of my mind. It wasn’t likely to happen. Eventually, I gave up and pulled out my phone, scrolling through weather news and trying to lull my mind to sleep with games of solitaire.

23

MINA

I went to bed feeling a little bit of indulgence. As I hunkered down in the bed, far warmer and more comfortable than I would have anticipated thinking about being trapped in a hospital in the midst of a major snowstorm, it occurred to me I didn’t have to get up early in the morning. I didn’t have to make myself wake up and immediately be at my best so I could handle whatever the day at the hospital was going to throw in my path.

I loved my job. It was what I had worked my entire life to achieve, and I genuinely enjoyed helping people and interacting with my patients and their parents. But it could also be incredibly stressful. Especially recently, I’d been struggling to get enough sleep and feel like I was ever taking care of myself anywhere near as much as I took care of the people relying on me.

In all honesty, I highly doubted I was ever going to find that balance, but I accepted that as part of being a doctor. When I made that my career path, I was agreeing to put other people and their needs ahead of mine. That didn’t mean it didn’t wear on me sometimes, and the thought of a morning that didn’t involve getting up far too early or a night not being able to sleep because I was too worried about the patients waiting for me was insanely luxurious.

I sank into the pillow with the blissful thought that it might have taken getting stranded in a massive storm with the man I would have once considered the very last person I wanted stranded with me, but I was going to sleep for as long as my body wanted to sleep. And I was going to wake up when I woke up and lie around enjoying having nothing I needed to worry about. I might even take a nap that didn’t involve a cot or the creeping feeling that at any second, I would be blasted out of rest by an emergency.