Light Me Up

“Ha.”

“Ha what?”

“You weren’t paying me any attention. Not while hooking up with a new tourist each week, or double that during the busy season.”

I was making light of it because it truly didn’t matter, but I couldn’t deny there was some irrational part of me that felt a sting when I thought about his previous activities. He put Raven down and stalked over to me.

“You know they meant nothing to me. And I know you’re not really mad about it because you’re far too rational for that. But I get it. You think I liked seeing you date Ben Towson last year?”

I did a double take and my eyebrows shot up into my hairline.

“What? Really?”

“It made me crazy. I’d known the guy for years, never had an issue. Then you guys started seeing each other and he and I practically came to blows at the pub one night. I wanted to smash his face in. Over some stupid argument about baseball. I didn’t even let myself acknowledge the real reason why.”

He invaded my space again, so close to me I had to tilt my head back to see face.

“I hated that he got to touch you and I couldn’t. That he got to kiss these lips.” He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, causing butterflies to take flight in my stomach. “So I know, we’re adults, and nothing matters before now. But you’re crazy if you think I wasn’t jealous of every damn man you let near you.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Mostly to take up time, since I didn’t know how to respond to that. Everything I’d previously thought about Theo had a fuzzy filter on it, like I wasn’t looking at real memories, but altered ones. Ones I tried to fake. Because the truth was shameful. But maybe it would do me good to admit it.

“I had no idea. But if you’re being honest, then I suppose I can too.” And I could, but I needed a little space for the honesty, so I slid around him and went to sit on the chair next to the couch, where he couldn’t get close.

“Fine, yes. Every time I made fun of you for being a man-whore it was part of my self-preservation.”

“Self-preservation.”

“Yes, self-preservation. I didn’t fully realize it until you kissed me and I started thinking about things.” I paused, considering how to explain it. “I didn’t even know I was doing it, but I guess, if I told myself you were gross for sleeping with every random woman you came across, then I wasn’t as upset that you weren’t with me. I never thought you’d be interested in me, and I certainly wasn’t interested in a one night stand with you. It was easier to hate you than admit I might have had feelings for you.”

“Well damn, hippie.”

He came close anyway, and knelt in front of me, sliding his hands up my thighs to rest on my hips.

“I hope you know now that I wouldn’t be here if this wasn’t different for me.”

“I know.”

“I don’t mean watching out for you. I would be doing that anyway, but—”

“I know, Theo. I know what you mean.”

He smiled then, one of his real smiles. Not a cocky one or a smirk, although those had their own appeal. But his real smile was bright, genuine, captivating. It spread wide across his face, reaching all the way up to his blue eyes, giving him little creases at the corners. I thought it made him even more handsome than usual.

He stood up then, grabbing the beer he’d set on the end table and taking a sip.

“I got tested on Monday, by the way.”

“Huh?” I was only half paying attention, still hypnotized by his smile.

“I got tested for STIs at the clinic downtown. All clear.” He plopped down on the couch next to Raven and put his feet up on the coffee table, relaxed as could be.

“Wha—um, what?”

“I mean, no pressure or anything, but I figured you’d want to know. I get tested regularly. And because of my history, I don’t want you to worry or be stressed out by it if we get to that point. I’m not going to be with anyone else. So I thought I’d just tell you now.”

He placed Raven in his lap and started petting her, not a care in the world, like he hadn’t just been the first to bring up the sexual health issue.

And why did that surprise me? I mean, I guess Theo should have been comfortable with it, used to bringing it up, having as much… experience… as he did. I couldn’t deny it was a huge relief to hear it. But my shock was just further proof I didn’t give him enough credit. He was smarter, more responsible, more __caring__, than I ever expected.

My heart did a little flutter thinking about it all. But I had to admit it’d been doing that ever since that first day he kissed me. And I didn’t know if I was ready to go all in yet. I was still nervous he would get overwhelmed by a relationship, or it would end up being too much for us.

But it didn’t have to start with something serious. We didn’t have to jump into the deep end. Maybe we could wade around for a while and feel our way to a future. The thought of that relaxed me.

“It’s getting late.” Theo said, still stroking Raven. Looks like that was the only kitty getting lucky tonight.

“Yeah, I’m tired. Did uh, you want to come upstairs? Or I can get you blankets for the couch.”

He looked over at me, one eyebrow raised up in an arch.

“You know Sara, this nervous side of you is adorable. But I need to clarify. After last night, I’m sleeping with my arms around you from now on.”

He placed Raven onto the couch next to him and got up, holding his hand out for me. I didn’t always know how to respond to this new Theo I was experiencing. But I’d made the decision to wade, right? So I took his hand and let him lead me upstairs. And we fell asleep just as we had the night before. His strong arms wrapped around me tightly, his deep breathing lulling me to sleep.