Forsaken Desires (The Deepest Desires 2)

chapter thirty-two

Aston

Coming face to face with Knox, I try to get a handle on my feelings, but it’s difficult. I’m so fucking angry. Mostly at myself, but still very much at him.

I feel like a goddamn fool.

“What, Knox? What could you possibly say to explain this? The fact that you so clearly lied to me tonight and came to this party with a fucking date.”

“Okay, first of all, man—she’s not my date.”

“Oh, she’s not?!”

“Alright, yes. She technically is, but it’s not what it looks like.”

“Un-fucking-believable. If it’s not what it looks like, then fucking explain it. I’d love to hear this.”

“My dad made me bring her, okay?”

“Your dad made you? That’s what you’re going with? He made you. Are you a fucking child, Knox? Since when do you listen to what anyone tells you to do? Give me a fucking break.”

He looks away and at least has the decency to look ashamed, but no. Fuck this.

“You don’t fucking get it, Aston.”

“You’re damn right I don’t get it, and when I ask you to explain it to me, you give me some bullshit excuse. Fuck that.”

“Can we just get out of here and we can talk?”

“I’m not going anywhere with you. I should’ve fucking known not to get myself wrapped up in you. You’re Knox fucking Finnegan and you listen to no one, give zero shits about anyone, and are fucking ashamed of your sexuality.”

“That’s low, Aston.”

“No, it’s the fucking truth, Knox. You have denied your feelings, even to yourself, this entire time. You hate what you want from me, hate what it makes you. And what’s even more pathetic, is that I knew this about you, I knew how wrong you were for me, and I still… I still fucking did it, still fell into bed with you, still opened myself up to you, still fucking fell for you, and I’m fucking done.”

“Wh-what the fuck do you mean you’re done?”

“Done with this, Knox. With you. With being your fucking dirty secret and the piece of ass you want late at night, behind closed doors, where no one can judge you. Fucking. Done.”

“Aston,” he says, his tone pleading as he tries to reach for my hand, but I move a step back before he can make contact. I can’t have his hands on me right now. My resolve will fade if he does.

“You don’t mean that, Aston.”

“But I do. I really fucking do. I can’t do this. I care for you and about you way more than I realized. Seeing you with her showed me that, and you’ll never be able to be who I need you to be.”

His face falls as he tries to step toward me again. “What? Yes, I can... I can be.”

“Oh, you can publicly be with me? Where people can see? Without freaking out?”

“That’s not fair. I’ve come a long way from where we started, you have to admit that.”

“Sure, Knox. You don’t punch me in the face anymore when we kiss. I hardly count that as coming a long way.”

The sadness pouring out of him is palpable, and it guts me. I know he cares, and I know he’s trying, but he’s not being fucking honest enough to fix this. I can’t keep expecting more from him than he can give me.

“Fuck you. You’re not playing fair.” The vein in his neck is pulsing rapidly and his eyes well up. The knife in my chest twists painfully as I watch him break down. I need to get out of here.

“You’re right, I’m not. I’m angry with myself for falling for you, and I’m angry at you for being who you are—which, you’re right, isn’t fair to you. Which is why whatever this is, is over. It has to be.”

“Stop. Talk to me.” He, again, tries to reach for me, and my heart feels like it cracks, seeing the sad look in his eyes when I back up, yet again.

“Bye, Knox.” I make my way toward the parking lot, planning to call an Uber once I get there, since I rode with my parents. There’s no way in hell I’m staying here a minute longer than I have to. I need to go.

I’m almost surprised that he isn’t following after me, but also not, because it’s not like him to attract attention to a situation like this. Walking into that room and seeing him with that fucking girl wrapped around his neck… fuck, it hurt. I knew my feelings were becoming stronger, but shit, I didn’t realize how hard I’d fallen for him until seeing that. It felt like someone gut punched me and all the wind was knocked out of me.

This is my fucking fault. I have no one to blame but myself. I pursued him. I fucked with him, knowing full well who he was, knowing he could never be who I need him to be. I knew it and I did it anyway.

Like a goddamn moron.

******

Finny: Aston, please answer the phone.

Finny: Talk to me, please. Fuck!

Finny: You won’t even hear me out. What the fuck.

Finny: Fuck you, then.

I barely slept last night. Every part of me wants to answer his calls, respond to his texts, but I can’t. I need to be strong, and it’s fucking killing me. He’s called me at least twenty times since I left him last night, voicemails ranging from apologetic and pleading to angry and yelling.

Replaying every single moment we’ve spent together over the last few months, I can’t help but feel like a complete fucking fool. All the red flags were there from the very beginning. Shit, that party in high school was the first red flag, but I ignored them all.

I’m supposed to drive back to campus with him tomorrow morning. Yeah, fuck that. I have to go tell Anderson that I’ll be catching a ride with Branson, Luca, and him, not that I think he’ll mind, but he will want to know what happened. We haven’t even talked about what he saw between Knox and me, which I know he won’t just let go.

Deciding to put on my big boy pants, I slide out of bed—where I’ve been firmly planted since the moment I got home last night—and make my way to Anderson’s room. It’s best to get this shit out of the way. Knocking on his door and opening, I see him lifting weights.

“Hey, bro. Can I catch a ride back to campus with you and the guys tomorrow?”

Setting his weights down, he eyes me for a moment before responding. “You look like shit.”

“Gee. Thanks.”

“I’m serious. What’s the matter?”

“Don’t really want to talk about it. So, can I?”

“Yeah, but we’re going to talk about this now.”

Rolling my eyes and knowing I’m not getting out of it, I let out a heavy sigh before heading to sit on his bed. “Okay, what?”

“What’s going on with you and Knox?”

Straight for the jugular. “Nothing anymore.”

“Okay, what was going on with you two?”

“Fuck,” I groan, rubbing my hands down my face. “We were just hooking up for a while, okay? But it’s over.”

Anderson’s mouth is turned down as he listens. “How’d that even happen? You guys don’t get along.”

I laugh, despite not finding any of this funny. “Don’t really have to like each other to fuck.”

If I wasn’t so fucked up over everything, the look on Anderson’s face would be hilarious. His brows are raised way up by his hairline and his mouth is dropped open, like he can’t believe I would say something like that.

“Look, like I said, it’s done.” I sound as exasperated as I feel. “What time are you guys leaving tomorrow?”

“Eight.”

“Alright, I’ll be ready. How’s Crew? Have you heard anything?”

“He’s doing okay. He had to stay in the hospital for a few nights, but the doctors don’t think any permanent damage was done. He swears up and down that it was an accident and says he isn’t taking them all the time.”

“Do you believe him?” I ask softly. The situation seems completely out of character for Crew.

He shrugs, his attention on his hands as he picks at his thumbnail. “I don’t really have any reason to doubt him; he’s never lied to me before.”

“But?”

“But I’m worried. He’s been withdrawn lately. We don’t talk as much as we used to, and he seems much more closed off than he used to.”

“I’m sure he just has a lot going on with school. He’s probably telling the truth. Maybe check in with him every now and then.”

“Yeah, I will. You’re probably right.” An unconvincing smile tugs on his lips.

“Are you going to see him before we head back to campus?”

“Yeah, a few of us were going to head up there tonight. Want to come?”

“Sure, what time?”

“Five, I think.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll just talk to you later. Thanks for letting me tag along on the ride back to campus.”

Walking back to my room and climbing back into bed, my thoughts immediately go to Knox. I fucking hate how much space he occupies in my mind. In such a short time, he’s become a huge part of my day-to-day life, and it’s pathetic. Thank God we don’t have any classes together this semester.

Silver lining and all.

Grabbing my phone, I open the text thread between him and I. I refuse to respond to his earlier messages, but I do need to at least let him know I won’t be riding with him tomorrow. The last thing I need is his crazy ass showing up at my house first thing in the morning.

Me: Riding home w/ Anderson, Branson, and Luca. You don’t need to pick me up.

The text bubble shows up immediately. Fuck.

Finny: Are you fucking serious? Fine. Fuck you, Aston.

Deciding to send one more text before I hide under the covers and sleep the day away, I open a new text thread.

Me: Hey, I’m not feeling well. Think I’ll stay in tonight. Tell Crew I’m glad he’s ok.

Anderson: Okay, bro. Feel better.