Breathe with Me (With Me in Seattle 7)

“Ms. Summers? You can go back with him now.”

“Go ahead,” Luke says. “Sam and I will wait here for our parents.”

I nod and follow Computer Chick into the bowels of the ER. Someone is crying. She leads me to a room with a curtain drawn around the bed. I swallow hard and for a millisecond I consider running away, but instead I take a deep breath and walk right in and around the curtain.

And there is my man, in a hospital gown, his hair a little bloody, his face and arms scraped, and a big, fat smile on his arrogant face.

“Hey, M,” he says.

I immediately burst into tears. I sit in the chair next to his bed and sink my head and arms onto his lap, crying big, gulping sobs.

“Shh…” He’s rubbing my head now, my shoulders and back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay, baby.”

“You could have died!” I cry into his lap.

“I am fine.” He grips my shoulders and makes me sit up to look at him. “Look at me. Meredith.”

I can’t open my eyes. I feel so foolish. I know he thinks I’m overreacting. Everyone does, but they haven’t been in my shoes. They don’t understand.

“Meredith. Breathe. Breathe with me, baby.” He scoots down in the bed and leans his forehead on mine. “Come on. You’re having a panic attack. Breathe deep and slow, Meredith.”

He calms me. My heart slowly returns to normal and my tears stop until I look up into his gorgeous blue eyes and I lose it again.

“Baby, I’m okay.”

“I know. But I didn’t know before, and it reminded me of Dad and Tiff, and oh my God, Mark, I can’t do that ever again.”

“Stop.” His voice is brisk now. “Stop it before I call the nurse in here for you.”

“Are you going to be okay?” I whisper.

“Yes. I’m scraped up, and I have a knot on my head, but I’m fine. They wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure I don’t have internal injuries.”

“Do you?” My heart stops again.

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be sore as hell tomorrow, but I’ll walk out of here as soon as Nurse Ratchet brings me my fucking papers and more pain meds.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

He reaches for a rolling table at this bedside and holds up his phone. The screen is shattered.

I close my eyes in relief and I’m suddenly being lifted into Mark’s lap.

“What are you doing?”

“Calming you the fuck down.” He cradles me against him and rocks us back and forth. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in my place in his neck, holding on tightly. God, I love him. He’s everything to me. I can’t lose him the way my mom lost Dad. I don’t think I’d survive it.

And I will eventually lose him. Because I lose everyone I love.

As we sit here silently, I cling to him as I realize what I have to do.

I have to give him up.

I cup his face gently in my hands and kiss him softly. My lips linger on his for a moment as I breathe him in and my hands trace the strong muscles in his arms.

Finally, I pull away and climb off his lap.

“I love you more than I can ever tell you, Mark. But, I can’t bear the thought of losing you the way I lost my family.” I swallow hard as he frowns in confusion. “I just can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what, exactly?”

“I can’t be with you.”

“You are with me, Meredith.”

I shake my head and rub my forehead with my fingertips. Jesus, how do I find the words for this?

“I don’t think I can be in a relationship with you.” The last few words are said on a sob. His jaw drops just as the nurse bustles in.

“Okay, Mr. Williams…”

I leave as she’s giving him his instructions and rush out of the ER, through the waiting room and outside.

Fuck me, I don’t have my car.

“Meredith!”

Natalie runs out after me, catching up to me when I get to the parking lot and realize I don’t have a ride home. He’s going to come marching out here any second.

“I need to leave, Natalie.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yes, he’s just scraped up. He’ll be fine.” This time.

But what about the next time?

“Oh, good.” She breathes a sigh of relief and then sobers when she sees the look on my face. “Where are you going, Mer?”

“I’m leaving. I just broke it off with Mark.”

“Wow, talk about kicking a man when he’s down.”

“Fuck you, Natalie. You don’t know me or what I’ve been through.” It’s not her fault, but I can’t stop myself from going after her verbally, and I hate myself even more for it. “You haven’t had to bury your parents and your sister and watch everyone around you that you love the most die!”

“Yes I have.”

“And you haven’t…” I stop, stunned. “What?”

“My parents both died when I was in college,” she replies calmly. “I’m an only child.”

I blink twice and feel about three inches tall.

“Scared you, didn’t it?”

“I’m fucking terrified.”

Nat nods and pushes her hair out of her face as the wind kicks up. “He won’t let you just break it off, you know.”

“He doesn’t have a choice.”

She narrows her eyes and watches me for a moment. My eyes fill with tears again, pissing me off even more.

“Why would you do this? Even a blind woman can see that you’re completely in love with each other.”

“I would rather give him up voluntarily,” I begin and have to swallow hard against the bile rising in my throat. “Than have to lose him the way I did my sister and my dad. I watched my mom lay on my dad’s chest and say goodbye to him, Natalie. I can’t do that.”

“I don’t know how anyone can do that,” she says softly, her own eyes full of tears. “What a horrible thing, Meredith. But you don’t know that you would ever be in that situation.”

“I don’t know that I won’t.”

“You didn’t strike me as a quitter.”

My eyes whip over to hers. “I. Can’t. Do. It.”

She nods thoughtfully, then hugs me as Jax pulls his car up to us. “Think it over. A love like yours doesn’t come along every day, you know. Love him. Let him love you. Make the most out of every single day, so at the end of it all, you can say you don’t have any regrets, Mer. Life’s too short for that, and no one knows that better than you and me.”