I Never Let You Go (I Never 3)

“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”

Maya Angelou

Just outside the security gate at the Philadelphia International Airport, people continue to walk by Finn and me as time stands still. We savor the last few moments before I have to let him go. My arms wrap tighter around him, and I bury my face into his chest. I try to memorize everything: the way he smells—like musk and mahogany; the way he holds me in his arms—as if I had been made just for them; and the weight I feel on the top of my head as he rests his chin there. This—he—is my safe haven. It will all be over soon and just a memory. Finn tips my chin up toward him and presses his forehead against mine.

“I can’t do this. I can’t—” Finn begins to say, but I cut him off. I brush my fingers against his cheek. His deep chocolate-brown eyes, glassy with unshed tears, just like my own. I need to be strong for him, for me, for us.

“Baby, you have to,” I say aloud, while on the inside, I’m begging him to stay.

He shakes his head and cups my hand to his cheek. “Lo, you are my life. I need you with me. I’ll just turn down this job. I’ll find something else. There are plenty of jobs out there.”

My heart is breaking—no, shattering into a million pieces. “No, baby. You can’t give up this opportunity. For as long as I’ve known you, this is what you wanted. You’ve worked so hard for this; it’s your dream. We’ll figure it out.”

Finn had accepted a position at a top architecture firm in Seattle, while I’ll still be here on the East Coast finishing up grad school. We have a plan in place for how to make the distance work. This is only just a small stepping-stone in our five-year relationship.

All of a sudden, Finn drops down to one knee, and I gasp.

“Marry me.”

“What?” My hands fly to my mouth. He’s not doing what I think he is, is he?

He takes my hand in his. “I know it feels sudden and out of the blue, and I don’t have a ring yet, but honestly, I’ve known for a long time that you are the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are all I ever need, Lauren. It’s only ever been you and will only ever be you. You are my dream. My job and where I live doesn’t matter as long as I have you. Marry me.”

“Finn.” His name comes out more of a squeak. I pull on his arms for him to stand up. Finn hesitates for a moment before he rises. His face is scrunched with confusion as he waits for me to answer.

“Marry me, Lo. Please.”

I press my forehead against his. My voice is just above a whisper when I say, “No.”

He pulls back, the color completely drained from his face in shock at my answer. Of course I want to marry Finn, but not now, not like this. We’re only twenty-two. I have imagined this moment a million times, and every time I said yes, until now.

“No?” he questions, and I can hear the hurt laced in his voice. I place my hand on his chest, needing the distance before I let him convince me that I said the wrong word.

“No.” I put on a brave face so he doesn’t see how much this hurts.

“We’re meant to be together; why are you doing this?” He links our hands between us, and I never want him to let go.

“I want to be with you, Finn, I do.”

“Then say yes,” he pleads.

I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.” Doubt creeps in and settles in the back of my mind like a thick fog descending on the shore.

His shoulders sag as he exhales in defeat. He stares at me in disbelief.

“So that’s it, then?” Finn scrubs a hand down his face, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Finn…” I trail off as he unlinks our fingers and turns his back to me, picking up his backpack and walking away. I can’t do this. Run after him, Lauren, shout his name! Do something, anything to stop him. As much as my heart aches to go after him, I ignore it. I have to. At least that’s what I tell myself. This is for the best. I bite my lip so tight that I may draw blood, but I don’t care. It keeps me from calling after him, jumping into his arms and begging him not to leave me…ever. I wrap my arms around my waist, feeling so alone at that moment in a crowded space.

He hands his paperwork to the TSA agent before he walks through the machine.

“Turn around, baby. Just turn around,” I whisper over and over, but Finn never does. My heart is broken knowing that he is hurting and I am the reason. This feeling is suffocating, choking the life right out of me, as the tears finally spill from my eyes.