I Never Let You Go (I Never 3)

The driver takes off, and I lean my head against the back headrest and close my eyes and replay the memory of our last goodbye that haunts me daily. But I’m ready to make it right, to make us right. He has been the love of my life since we were sixteen, and I refuse to let this change that.

I look out the window as the taxi passes the tall buildings. I see why Finn loves this place so much. I wonder if he stops off for coffee on his way to work at that coffee shop that we found in town, or if he goes running in the park across the street from his apartment. These are all things I should know, but I let my fear get in the way. I refuse to allow fear to rule my life anymore.

“Here we are.” I pay the driver and exit the taxi. The driver helps me get my bag out of the trunk before he gets back in his car and pulls away from the curb, leaving me alone in a strange city. I probably should have told him I was coming, but I wanted to surprise him.

I stand there looking up at the high-rise apartment building in front of me. I nibble my bottom lip in anticipation. I’m home. A smile crosses my lips as I make my way toward the building, rolling my suitcase behind me.

I pause halfway to the front entrance. Wait, what if Finn isn’t home? Maybe surprising him wasn’t the best idea. I pull out my phone to call him, and it instantly goes to voicemail. Oh, okay.

I’m staring at my phone, dumbfounded, when I hear a laugh in the distance. I know that laugh. It’s engraved in my brain, in my heart, in my soul. My heart warms, and butterflies fill my stomach, knowing that he is close. I can’t wait to see his smile when he sees me here, ready to move and start our life together.

I turn in the direction of his laugh, ready to run to his arms when the breath is ripped from my lungs. He is walking toward the building. While he hasn’t seen me yet, I see him clear as day, and Finn—my Finn—is not alone. He has his arm around a woman, smiling from ear to ear and laughing with her. She is my complete opposite, curvy, blonde, with a huge rack.

I take advantage that he still hasn’t seen me and hide behind the tree, clutching to the bark for dear life.

“Oh my God!” I gasp and quickly cover my mouth so that he doesn’t hear me. I did this. I pushed him right into the arms of another woman. Millions of questions flood my mind. Did he find someone else? Is this why he’s been distant? Did he ignore my call on purpose because he’s with her?

I watch as Finn and whoever this other woman is make their way to the front entrance of the building. He reaches for the door handle and opens it, allowing her to walk through. When she’s right in front of him, she stops. Please don’t kiss him. I can’t do this. I know I should shut my eyes, but I can’t look away. She places her palm on his cheek and smiles before leaning in to kiss his cheek. He doesn’t push her away. He looks happy. My stomach churns, and I fight the urge to vomit here on the sidewalk.

I watch as they enter his building and walk toward the elevator. I should call him out. I should call his name, do something, anything. Scream and yell at him, that he broke his promise. He said that we were meant to be, that I was his dream, that he wanted to marry me. Was that all a lie? But just like the day at the airport, I stay quiet and let him walk away.

Turning around with my back against the tree, I slide down to the ground, welcoming the scrape of the bark against my back. I want to feel anything but the pain that has taken over in my chest. The tears are freely falling down my cheeks. I don’t even care that I’m in the middle of a busy city, crying my eyes out. I need to get out of here though before I risk him seeing me and try to explain. I don’t want to hear his excuses. I did this. I told him I couldn’t marry him, but this is me doing something about it. I somehow stand on shaky legs and hail a cab. I can’t even look back at the apartment as the driver pulls off back to the airport.

I have to max out my emergency credit card, but I manage to get on the next flight back to Philadelphia. Sitting at another window seat, I stare at my photo background on my phone, a photo of Finn and me from last summer.

I open my text messages and read the last ones exchanged between Finn and me.

Me: I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer. I was just calling to check in.

Finn: Sorry, I’m busy. I’ll call you soon.

Me: Oh, okay. Yeah sure. We can talk soon.

Me: I miss you.

Finn: Miss you too.

This exchange was just two days ago. My fingers itch to respond to his message, Is that you were missing me because your new “friend” wasn’t around? Even worse, was he sending me these when she was around? Was she next to him, reading them over his shoulder and laughing? Was that what they were laughing at when I tried calling? I must look so pathetic to them. Here I was ready to move on with us, and he had moved on from us.

My heart breaks all over, replaying that image in my head. My chest tightens, and I’m tempted to press the button for a flight attendant to help release the breathing masks. Through blurred vision, I chose to send my sister one last text before the plane takes off.

Me: I’m coming home.

I shut my phone off and throw it in my bag before storing it under my seat. I don’t want to hear from anyone right now, especially Kate or Finn. I bury my head in my hands and allow the tears to fall. I decide that this flight is the last of the tears I will ever cry for Griffin Reynolds. I loved him too much to let him give up his dream, but he loved me too little and let me go.

For years when I imagined what my life would be like, I always pictured Lauren by my side. I was stupid to think that a random marriage proposal was the answer—Lauren deserved so much more, but nothing prepared me to hear that one word on her lips: “No.”

It took everything I had to walk away from her at that airport. Yes, we had a plan, but we knew that we wanted to be together, so what did it matter? I know in my heart and my soul that she is the one for me. This may be my dream job, but without her here by my side, it’s nothing—something for me to do in an attempt to keep her voice out of my head: “No.”

I’ve been adjusting to life here without her. Things haven’t been the same between us since that day. We’ve talked less and less, but she is always on my mind. She has tried to reach out, but I’ve been an asshole with a bruised ego and kept pushing her away, telling her I was busy and that we could talk later. I would let her calls go to voicemail and then text her with an excuse. I hated it, but I let my pride get in the way.

How did life get flipped upside down?

When I first moved out here, I befriended a man named Jaxon. Jax is a fellow associate at Nathanial and Michelson, one of the top architecture firms in Seattle that hired me. He and his girlfriend, Courtney, moved into the same apartment building I lived in, the week before I had. It was as if our friendship was meant to be. It was nice having someone to lean on. If I wasn’t at work, I was exploring the city with them or hanging out in one of our apartments. Jax’s and my friendship came easy, as it also did with Courtney. I think Lauren would get along great with both Jax and Courtney, and I can’t wait for her to meet them.

The more I’ve gotten to know Court, the more I’ve come to love this girl, just like I love my younger sister, Kelsey. She calls me out on my shit, like how Kate used to and tells me all the time that I need to make it right with Lauren. She has helped me over the past few weeks get my shit together and realize I royally fucked up.

I’ve had my time to sulk, and now it’s time I made it right. A few days ago, I asked Courtney to go with me to pick out the perfect engagement ring for Lauren. I planned to fly back home and surprise her, telling her I had gone all about this the wrong way and ask her to marry me properly. On our way back to the building, Lauren called. I ignored the call with the intention of calling her back once safely in my apartment.