I Never Knew Love 'til You (I Never 4)

Chapter 7

Jaxon

KateLawson—I’mofficiallyconvinced this woman was put on this earth to torture me.

Because that’s exactly what sitting through a Lawson family dinner was—torture. When Finn popped into my office earlier in the afternoon and invited Andy and me to join the elusive sibling dinner that I’ve heard so much about, I was hesitant to accept. I didn’t want to infringe on their family time, but after reassuring me it was okay with Lauren and pulling the “Iwant to spend time with my godson card,”I gave in.

I expected her reaction to us crashing. However, when I learned that there had been previous guests not officially in the family to crash before, I knew the cause of her anger—us, or more specifically, me.

What I hadn’t expected was her total one-eighty of an attitude just as I was about to break the news to Andy that we couldn’t stay.

What I also didn’t expect was the feeling that hit me like a ton of bricks when that smile that she shares with her siblings was constantly directed at my son. For a moment, I was jealous of him—jealous of a four-year-old. I wanted that smile to be for me. I wanted to reach across the table and kiss her as a thank-you for making my son feel special and including him.

Honestly, I’m not even sure how we got home. One minute we were pulling out of the parking lot at the restaurant, waving at Finn and Lauren, and the next, I was putting the truck in park. Thoughts of her swam around in my mind the entire drive.

The way I felt her dark eyes bore into me when she thought I didn’t notice. But it’s hard to miss, especially when I was already watching.

The little moans she let slip from her lips as she took almost every bite of her dinner.

The way she bonded with Andy. She could have easily ignored him after allowing us to stay. It would have broken my heart, but she made him feel welcome.

I open my eyes to find the red break lights still shining bright in the rearview mirror from her driveway. She had arrived home just before we did, but she hadn’t gone inside yet. It may or may not be why I’ve been stalling myself. Whether it’s my stubbornness or the fatherly instinct to protect that needs me to see her get safely inside her home, something inside me is telling me to wait. A few more minutes pass by, and I wonder if she is doing the same. If I’ve learned one thing about Kate Lawson, it’s that she’s just as fucking stubborn as I am.

If you looked up the word “stubborn” in a dictionary, you would see Jaxon McAdams, and at the bottom for synonyms: see Kate Lawson.

Finally, I release a breath of relief when I see the lights fade and she exits the car. My eyes follow her as she walks up the path and into her house. The light on her front porch flicks on as she closes the door behind her.

I glance over my shoulder to see Andy’s head tipped down, resting against his chest, and his eyes closed. Of course he fell asleep. That explains the silence.

I’ve become a pro at transferring a sleeping child from the car to his bed over the years, especially when some nights I had to drive him around town to get him to fall asleep. I gently undo the seat belt harness, and Andy stirs. Shit!

“Daddy, don’t forget the picture Miss Kate drew,” he mumbles, not bothering to open his eyes as I lift him into my arms. He becomes dead weight against me.

That fucking picture—it was like a bowl of ice water dumped on my head.

“I will, buddy. I’ll come back out after I get you settled.”

The soft puffs of air against my neck tell me he passed right back out. I juggle him in my arms and unlock the front door.

After carefully carrying him up the stairs and into his room, I lay him down on his bed. I chuckle at the little orange fuzzies left between his toes after I slip off his shoes and socks. Thankfully, he wore sweatpants today, so I don’t need to change him into pajamas. It’s moments like this that I wish I didn’t make his bed every morning because I struggle to get him tucked under the covers without jostling too much, but he doesn’t even stir, so I think he’s out cold. Not even a marching band practicing in his room could wake him up at this point.

I place a soft kiss on his forehead and whisper, “Good night,” as I brush the blond hairs off his face.

I jog down the stairs and back out to the truck to grab my work bag, his backpack, and the drawing. I spot the place mat on the seat beside his booster seat, careful not to crinkle or tear it. The last thing I need is to feel the wrath of a four-year-old.

Dropping the bags by the door, I stalk to the kitchen and hang the drawing on the fridge. With my back resting against the counter, I stare at the piece of paper—the reminder of the collision of both of my worlds. The world that I lost when I lost Courtney and the world of possibilities for the future. When Kate had spun this place mat around to reveal that she had listened closely enough to Andy to understand the importance of the tire swing, I thought my world was going to implode for a moment. I refused to let the emotions slip, so I kept the hard facade up. Honestly, it may have just been better for us to have left before he opened up to her.

When Andy brings up his mom to people, I typically get looks of sadness and sympathy. Over the years, those were emotions I knew how to deal with, but tonight, I found neither in Kate’s eyes when she glanced my way. Did she understand the loss we went through? I guess I honestly don’t know much about her. I figure if she had, Finn would have mentioned it. It’s much easier to not know all the things that make Kate Lawson tick. Was that something I could seriously consider exploring? When I’m around Kate, I feel on edge. The only way to combat the need to pull her into my arms is to grind my teeth and clench my fists because for every one thought I have of having more with Kate comes two more of guilt for moving on from Court. I know she would want us to, but it’s not that simple.

Will the guilt of moving on and having thoughts about a woman that I once had about my wife ever go away, or will it eat me alive?

I flick the kitchen light off and head upstairs for a shower and leave those questions for future Jaxon to deal with.