Flaming

Jonatho draws quiet, watching his boyfriend. As the room fills with nothing but Tiger’s jolly purring, the two men share a warm moment with each other.

Zakary’s smile breaks. He glances back down at the happy cat. “I wish everything in life was as easy as making Tiger happy.”

“Why do you say that?” A moment passes. “You are still upset about the first act? Is that it?”

The two can nearly read each other’s minds. “If I’m being completely honest, I think I’m going to be fighting my own lack of confidence for the rest of my life. It’s not like I can just win a few battles and assume the rest of my career is going to be perfect. I can still fail at this. I could just be a flash in the pan.”

“What? No. You’re not just a—”

“I could go up on my lines one night when the New York Times is there reviewing the play. I could tank ten shows in a row and cause the community to lose faith in me. Or after this show, I could get cast in the worst production ever that becomes riddled in controversy and falls apart before opening night.”

“Zakary …”

“These things are real possibilities, y’know.”

Jonatho rises from the couch and joins Zakary on the floor, Tiger merrily (and ravenously) eating at her bowl between them. “Look, I’m not perfect.”

“Debatable.”

“I wrote flops. I had missteps. I even cussed out a director for completely missing the point of my play—in front of a Hollywood executive.”

“Yikes. You never told me that.”

“It isn’t something I’m proud of, but it’s part of life. Maybe these are lessons best learned young. You will have tons of time to find yourself, reinvent your name, stretch and find success and grow restless. It’s never about perfecting the craft. That’s an illusion. All art is about exploration and discovery, and you don’t explore or discover anything by sitting still.”

Zakary knows he’s right. He realizes he will just have to embrace the uncertainty of everything if he truly wants this life. It won’t be easy.

But at least it’s easier to cope with when you’re not alone. “You’re self-help-booking again, Jon.”

“I’m just saying—”

Zakary reaches over the cat and takes Jonatho’s hand. The men look into each other’s eyes. “And it’s helping.”

“Really?”

“You’re helping me see the bigger picture. I know I won’t always feel on top of the world like I did tonight. Now and then … the red fades … and I have to dye it again. Flames don’t burn on nothing. But at least I will always have my friends and family to support me, and the fire in my heart that’ll never go out, and …” He leans over to bring his face close to Jonatho’s. “I’ll always have you by my side.”

“Or, at the very least, in the audience watching you shine.”

“Something like that.”

“Are we ready to resume what your cat so kindly interrupted? She looks well attended to now.”

“She does. Now I need attending to.”

“Oh, I bet you do.”

Just as Zakary lets out a laugh, Jonatho scoops him up in his arms to take him to the bedroom. He succeeds in carrying him for exactly five steps before realizing Zakary is simply too damned tall and heavy, sets him down, and the two slip into the bedroom together and shut the door.

This time, nothing and no one interrupts them.

Afterwards, Zakary basks in the afterglow with his chest sweaty from their exertions and a drunken smile spilled over his face. Zakary’s scrolling through his phone when Jonatho hops off the bed to take a shower. “Wanna join me?”

Zakary’s eyes have been caught by something in his feed. “Go ahead, I’ll catch up,” he absently tells him. Jonatho nods, says, “I’ll get the water warm,” then heads off. The watery noise of the shower fills Zakary’s ears.

What fills his eyes, however, is the annual Never Have I Ever challenge on the Heart2Heart forum, the words taunting him like little devils on his shoulder. He reads all of the various contributions. Others who are making their bold assertions. Typing out the things they’ve never done. Daring themselves to step outside of their boxes. Do crazy things. Expose their souls to new and outrageous adventures.

It’s tempting.

To type something in that forum.

To watch the world slowly wrap cables around your wrists, binding you to the dare you proposed.