Violent Things

Hollis

He sleeps without the weight of the world on his shoulders, I thought fondly as I stood over Bates in the living room.

I knew it wasn’t true.

He carried more on his back than most people did, yet he always had a way of hiding the strain and putting on a brave face.

I sighed heavily as I sat on the coffee table and pushed his hair out of his face. I knew that every forced smile, every understanding look, every goddamn tear wiped away from my cheek took something away from him.

I felt like Bates was losing himself just by trying to love me and it wasn’t something I should have allowed to go on for as long as it had.

I didn’t have it in me to leave him, though, and asking him to go wouldn’t work either.

We were too fucked up and unique in our own ways to survive without the other. And while it should have made us a perfect match, it ate at me night after night.

I was watching him slip further into the abyss with each passing day and there was nothing I could do to help him claw his way back out.

But our version of darkness was nothing like anyone else’s. It was made of vile hate, destructive thoughts, and self-loathing.

At least, mine was.

And while I wish I knew what his looked like, I felt that asking would have been more of a violation than trying to uncover any hidden indiscretions he might have.

I leaned forward and ran the tip of my finger down his arm. It would have been all too easy to leave him while he slept, though I knew that I owed him more than that.

The time we’d spent together so far, with the exception of her, had meant so much to me.

Bates showed me love, acceptance, and most all, he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

There wasn’t anything else I should have wanted, but there always felt like there was something lacking that I couldn’t quite place my finger on.

It’s not him, I told myself. He’s more than I’ve ever deserved. So, what the hell is it that’s bothering me so much?

A quiet sigh escaped me as I dropped my face into my hands. Life; it was living trapped in a body that never belonged to me and having to make the best of it since it seemed like all hope was lost.

I dropped my hands when I felt his gently rest against my knee. It seemed that my monstrous love had awoken somewhere between my want to leave and need to stay.

I took a deep breath as I glanced into his eyes and forced a brave smile onto my face. It was easy enough to do; I had learned from watching Bates how to fake emotion as easily as taking my next breath.

He used the palm of his spare hand to rub the sleep out of his eyes, before he reached forward and pulled me onto the couch on top of him.

I chuckled.

How I could ever have thoughts about leaving someone that loved me so deeply and haunted me in ways that I’d never be able to understand or find the answers to.

Bates wrapped me up in his strong embrace after I got as comfortable as I could be on top of him, then closed his eyes again.

Though I knew that the man lying dormant inside, the one hidden behind the monster, was still trying to figure out if this life was the best one for him.

No matter how many lies he told me.