The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)

Bronner and Martens.

When you dance, does it

look like you’re Hula-Hooping

in a wild typhoon?

You’re allergic to

everything—except passive-

aggressive memos.

You have at least four

jobs at any given time,

and you volunteer.

You’ve got 99

problems and 98 of

them are your “bitches.”

A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF EVERY LESBIAN MOVIE EVER MADE

Lesbian films serve many important functions—visibility, levity, fodder for processing, etc.—but their most important function is to make us feel better about staying alive so well because most lesbian and bisexual characters in contemporary queer films (and television) die horrible deaths. Ha-ha, weird, right? But seriously, congratulations on not dying. You are great at that. Hopefully.

Girl has sexual

awakening with teacher/

roommate/friend. Then dies.

Girl has horrible,

traumatic past, present, and

future. Then she dies.

Girl has sexual

awakening with druggie.

The drug addict dies.

Girl has sexual

awakening. Kills her mom/

lover for “funsies.”

Girl has lesbian

tryst during the Holocaust.

Everybody dies.