Changing Seasons

My hands shook.Palms sweaty. Muscles in my legs twitched. Five more floors. Closing my eyes, I took a long calming breath. I prepared an entire speech on my drive. Mentally I had everything mapped out. Calculated his reaction. If I had it all together, why was I so nervous to the point of being on the verge of puking in the elevator?

Between dwelling on the meeting last week when Kameron offered me a position to come on board full-time with Monarch to talking with my daddy. My thoughts have yet to become uncluttered. I was confused. Scared. Overwhelmed. I was creating issues and scenarios that didn’t exist because I was overthinking.

I stood outside of his office shifting from one leg to the other ready to knock and get my answers. Skating around and avoiding the inevitable wasn’t doing either of us any good. “Stop being a coward. Go in, get your answers, and leave.” I knocked softly.

“Come in.” His voice sent shivers down my spine.

“You got this.” I gave myself one last pep talk before opening his door.

Seeing him sitting behind the mahogany desk looking all presidential, I wanted to bolt right out the door. His movement paused as his eyes went from surprised to confused to that angry frown he constantly wore.

It felt like I was experiencing whiplash with his constant back and forth emotions. Just last week he couldn’t sit next to me without touching me and now I was a sour piece of rotten fruit. I can’t do this. “Just want to let you know that I’m out of your hair now.” I stopped myself from rambling on. Shaking uncontrollably, I placed food from his favorite Jamaican restaurant and a bottle of blueberry soda on his desk. “Brought you dinner. Bye Paxton.” Turning on my heels, I made it to the door but not quick enough.

“I came for you, Jacolby. I went to Raleigh…looking for you.” His deep marinated voice seemed a lot closer.

Refusing to face him, I spoke to the door, “You never came after me, Paxton. Never!” My voice trembled along with my hands. Why did he have to lie?

I heard rustling behind me and the heaviness of his feet. My hands itched to touch the doorknob, but my body wouldn’t move.

“Sassy, baby, I came back for you. I promise I did. After you left New York and I found out you were in Raleigh, so close to me, I came for you, baby.” His breath skated across my neck. Strong muscular arms wrapped around my waist causing us to mold together as one. “You were being honored for the Katherine Johnson award. Baby, I was there. I came for you, but then I saw you with…saw him…the ring. You looked happy. So happy. Happy without me.”

I’ve never been happy without you.

I forgot about that experiment-gone-wrong of a dating experience I put myself through. Ugh, the memories. I tried to forget about that season of my life. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. I’m going to blame it on my shameful alter ego, Susan. Yeah, that’s what I’ll call the woman who looked like me and dated that toad of a man because this Jacolby would neva!

Though no words came from my mouth, gut-wrenching sobs escaped from my lips as my body curled up. “I took too long, and another man took you. That was one of the worse days of my life - to walk away…seeing the woman who belonged to me wear another man's ring.” He continued to burn my back with his confessions.

“You’ve always been it for me. Always been the missing piece to my puzzle. I was so selfish back then, Sassy. I wanted you to choose me over everything. To always choose me. The fear of losing you caused me to do exactly just that. When I lost you, I lost everything.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I snatched out of his arms and turned around. “How dare you, Paxton? I never would’ve made you choose. Never would’ve given you an ultimatum. When I gave you my heart to protect that I meant I was going to protect yours just the same, if not more. Distance meant nothing to me because I knew, I always knew that I’d find my way back to you. Why couldn’t you see the same?” I jabbed my finger into my chest with each word. My tears continued to pour.

He stepped toward me, and I stepped back. “Sassy…Jacolby, you knew how much I loved you.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I demanded an answer, “Then why didn’t you fight for us, huh? How could you give up on us so easily?” It was now or never to get the answer that I desperately wanted. “It was because of your mother, wasn’t it? She put it in your head that you needed to let me go because you couldn’t have the career you’ve always wanted and me at the same time. Am I right or wrong?”

He huffed taking a step back. I knew from the way he dropped his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck that she did exactly what I thought all along. “She and I had a conversation, but it was my decision. The blame is on me for even letting her sway me to…I’m sorry.”

Ha.

He’s sorry.

Damn right he should be sorry.

Chuckling with anger, I moved around him. “Seven years, Paxton. Seven long years have passed, and you wait until we’re forced to be around each other to even say anything. You claim you came to Raleigh looking for me but if I’m calculating all of this right you got married five months after my award.” I don’t care if I showed that I’ve been keeping up with him. Knowing that he got married months later infuriated me. “Did you have to see if I was moving on to not feel guilty to move on with her? Would anything have changed if you didn’t see a rock on my finger?”

“I didn’t pursue Heather until a month after I saw you and we wed shortly after that.” He shrugged, pacing around his office again. “Everything would’ve changed if I saw that you weren’t attached to another man. At the time I wanted to let you go as I saw you had done with me.” His excuse was worthless and didn’t do me any good to find out the truth.

It made it worse.

Neither of us said a word. Lost in our thoughts. Allowing our emotions to run wild. “When Kameron asked me to help I hesitated at first. Since we broke up, I’ve avoided any runs with you. Yes, I was running…running from the truth. And the truth is, I never had your heart the way I thought because if I did you wouldn’t have allowed someone else to plant seeds of doubt on our foundation.”

He sat down on the edge of his desk. Eyes of defeat. “Where do we go from here?” Holding a hand out and those puppy dog eyes pleading, I placed my palm in his and relished in the feeling of being back in his arms.

I missed this.

Missed us.

I sighed placing my face in the crook of his neck. Eyes drifting close and nose gliding along his skin. “We go back to our lives. The developers will be here next week.”