Changing Seasons

I liked him.

Really, I did.

But something was lacking in our relationship. There was no spark or flame. No chemistry or heavy sexual attraction. Yes, the brotha was fine. Chocolate like Idris, tall like Lebron, muscular like Michael B. Jordan, sweet and caring with a tad bit of hood like Drake. Then on top of that, he was established in his career, came from a good family, and made good money. Had no kids, no crazy exes, spoiled me when I never asked to be, and fed me good.

Still, as handsome as he was, whenever I stared into his brown eyes, I felt not one slight tingle in my lady parts. Besides our heavy make-out sessions, we were lame in the sexual department. Our make-out sessions were so juvenile and vanilla that we didn’t hunch with our clothes on nor did he get finger happy and explore my southern lips. The man was packing a mean package, but I had no interest to open it and see how it worked.

How can this man be fine as sin but not turn me on? He had it all, he really did but…I don’t know. Maybe I was the one broken.

Damn, was I a weirdo like everyone said I was?

Probably not the weirdo part but I knew what it was.

I was still stuck in the past. Seven years ago stuck.

Looking at my beautiful tribe I couldn’t help but feel slightly insecure and sad. Almost like I wanted to cry. All three of us were proud members of the Hershey Melanin club. Boldly we loved our rich dark skin, thicker than a snicker stature, and thick coarse hair. However, while they found love easily or rather a man that made them giddy, I couldn’t hold a steady relationship longer than eight months.

Reese, my bougie friend with a heart almost made of gold, owned a florist shop that sold some of the most beautiful exotic flowers and bouquets in the south. She’s forever being featured in home lifestyle and wedding magazines for her floral arrangements. If ever someone wanted to see a physical description of a label whore all they had to do was look up Reese and they’d see her.

Everything was designer labels and foreign. She splurged without reason and flaunted it proudly. I’ll give it to her – she earned the right. When Reese graduated high school and left for college she refused to come back home. Worked multiple jobs to make up the difference of what her scholarships didn’t cover, and never asked her parents for a dime. She had the drive, creativity, discipline, confidence, and hustler spirit to get whatever she wanted, and it showed. But, like everyone else, she had a flaw – having a love for money rather than a love for true companionship.

Jalonie, on the other hand, was as free-spirited as they came. Every day I lived vicariously through her life. She had a boldness and perspective on life that I envied. Jalonie and I both went the business route in college. I graduated with my degree in accounting, and she graduated set to work in the business management field. Her degree has been collecting dust since we graduated, and it wasn’t for lack of her trying to use it. Jalonie didn’t need to work. She had more than enough sponsors to cover her lifestyle.

When we were in college she got her first taste of being a sugar baby with one of our professors. Yeah, crazy as hell but her sacrifice of lying on her back worked in our favor that semester when we received passing grades. My sister literally learned how to use what she had to get what wanted and that was for men to take care of her. While I disagreed with how she lived her life, she wasn’t dumb in the slightest.

“I don’t want a relationship that starts out blazing in the bluest of flames and then simmers to dust clouds. In the beginning, couples give so much then after becoming comfortable they take on this approach of no effort because they’ve gotten what they want. I don’t ever want that to be the case for me.”

Instantly my parents came to mind and that made me feel sad. So focused on their careers and having the white picket fence fairytale life that they never considered the big sacrifice and that was the intimacy of their marriage. My dad worked tiring hours at the bank he managed, and my mom was a dean at a charter school. If they weren’t working, they were being parents, never having time for each other. It wasn’t until now when they were in their late forties were they trying to rekindle the flame of love.

“Then why are you with Nate then? He hasn’t done it for you from the beginning, but you continue to force it. If it’s not there now what makes you think it will come?” Leave it to Reese and her damn mouth to call me out on my shit…again.

My shoulders touched my ears and my eyes looked everywhere but at her. “Because my mother didn’t pick him, I did.” Yuck, that sounded disgusting hearing it roll off my tongue. “And he gives good booty massages.”

Tagging in where her friend left off, Jalonie stepped into the ring with more punches. “Technically mama did because you picked the same type of guy she’d pick for you. How are you standing on your own when you’re doing exactly what she wants – dating a man good enough for her approval but not good enough for you to settle down with and be genuinely happy? What is it that you want, sis? And nobody cares that he rubs your booty. You can get a hobo off the street to do that.”

That lonely feeling I felt this morning was starting to creep back in along with a heavy wave of doubt. It wasn’t that I was sad because I had a couple of years to thirty with no real potential partner for love. My mind and heart were still stuck in the past. I tried letting it go, tried letting him go but I couldn’t. No matter how many men I dated it never seemed to be enough to erase him from my memory. It’s like he imprinted himself on me permanently.

Blinking the sting of my tears away, I looked around Kaluz and all of its fancy restaurant decor, trying to find the right words that wouldn’t lead to me crying. Lord knows I’m the biggest cry baby in America. Didn’t take much for tears to leak from my eyes. I cried when I was happy, sad, laughing, or watching a cute romance movie.

“It’s hard for me to trust another man for one. Trust that they won’t leave when a better opportunity comes, and they don’t think I’m enough to take along with them.” Folding my lips in my mouth I found a spot on our table to keep my focus. I knew the minute I looked in one of their eyes and saw a glimpse of pity I’d turn into a weeping mess for no reason at all.

“Confidence isn’t something I ever lacked until…until.” It was so hard to say his name. “Paxton choosing his career over me, that mess did something to me. Broke a lot of shit inside of me. It never crossed my mind to give him an ultimatum. Y’all know how crazy I was over him.” Still am. “But he never gave me the chance to choose us. He decided for me. I fought until I had scabs on my knees until the very end and he gave me nothing in return. Seven years have passed, and I love that man just as much as I did back then if not more. No matter how bad I try to move on God plays some sick game to make me want him more like he isn’t married and off living his best life with someone who isn’t me.” Shit that burned. I had to finish Jalonie’s Pomegranate Cosmo to cleanse my palette after vomiting that harsh truth.

“I can’t tell you what I want out of love right now because I honestly don’t know if I truly believe what I desire is even out there anymore. Paxton was my inhale and I was his exhale. We can return anything up to ninety days depending on the store. Well, can I get my heart back? My damn soul?” My lips trembled and my chest burned. “Ho-how do you move on when the person is so embedded in you? This nigga is still in my damn veins. It’s like I’ve been living in agony for seven years.” Geesh I sounded pathetic.

Story of my life.

A complete ball of confusion dressed up to look pretty.

“Respectfully but not so, fuck Paxton and his ashy wig-wearing mammy. I know you don’t think it’s possible, but I still think she had something to do with y’all breakup, and when I find out that she did I’m coming for her and that wig.” Jalonie forever came to my rescue and stood up for me when everyone else thought I lost my mind when he and I broke up. “I’m so damn proud of you for owning your shit and still going after your dreams, I really am. We all know how much you loved him. You had to be really blind to not see it. So what if it’s been seven years. If it takes you ten years to get that man out of your system, then so what.” The squeeze of her hands caused a tightness to settle in my chest and make my eyes burn from the tears wanting the sprout forth.

Not wanting to be left out, Reese scooted over and hugged me from the side. “I’m sorry that you’re still hurting, friend. I really am. I am proud of you. That Chanel Graffiti bag you’ve been wanting forever and a day show that I am.” I touched my crossbody bag she gifted me randomly today and smiled. I’ve had my eye on that vintage bag for years but couldn’t make myself splurge regardless of if I had the money. “I just want you happy but also not out here losing your mind because you’re chasing a fantasy or stuck trying to please your mother. As for Paxton and his selfishness go, well I think karma had a fun time getting her revenge.” I didn’t miss the shared look between her and Jalonie. Knowing them they've probably been cyberbullying his wife or something.

I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to give good men like Nate that came into my life a fair chance. I just needed someone to tell me how to let go of the past so I could receive all the joy and happiness I desired.