My Better Life

“I am!” Tanner waves his arms.

I’m grateful to Gran, because her interruption gives me a minute to wipe the lovestruck expression off my face. So, when I finally turn to Gavin and hand him a plate of pie, I’m able to give him a cordial smile, completely free of all the wanting I’m feeling.

Thirty minutes later, the kids are tumbling in the field with Big Tom. Gran and Diedre volunteered to do dishes, and Gavin and I are sitting in the grass leaning against the cool rough stones of the barn.

Gavin sits close enough that if he wanted to, all he’d have to do is move a hairsbreadth my way and we’d be touching.

I concentrate on the kids and smile at Big Tom lumbering around pretending to be Bigfoot. The clouds fly swiftly overhead and I close my eyes when they move past the sun and a ray of warmth falls on me. I feel Gavin’s eyes on me before he speaks.

“Your Gran doesn’t like me much, does she?”

I sigh and open my eyes. “She’s protective of me.”

He frowns. The shadow of his stubble makes him seem softer and more down to earth than the first time I saw him, when he was clean shaven, remote, and as unreachable and untouchable as a movie star on the big screen.

“Why does she have to be protective?”

His eyes lock with mine and I think about reaching up and running my fingers over his jaw. I wonder if his stubble feels as rough as it looks, or if it’ll be soft against my fingertips. “She doesn’t want me to get hurt.”

He looks down at my mouth and I take in a sharp breath of the pine-scented air.

“I won’t hurt you. I won’t ever hurt you.” It’s a promise, and he means it, but it’s a promise he can’t keep.

His blue eyes darken as he watches my expression. “I already did, didn’t I?”

I shake my head and reach over, pressing my fingers into his arm, the only part of him that I’ll let myself touch.

“No. You didn’t.” Pressure stings the back of my eyes and my locket feels heavy around my neck. “Sometimes, though, people don’t have a choice about whether they hurt others or not. You know?”

“Not really.”

I smile at him and stroke my fingers over his forearm. His skin is hot and the hair on his arm is silky smooth.

He watches my finger wander over his skin a look of longing in his eyes. My heartbeat thrums loudly in my ears. I imagine I’m stroking him in other places, quieter places. I press my fingers into his muscles and tendons. Suddenly, he stands.

I look up at him, dazed by his abruptness.

“I…” He clears his throat. “I just remembered I promised to fix the…ladder. There’s a rung loose.”

I frown at him. His jaw is tight and there’s a strange light in his eyes.

“Now?”

He nods. “Now.”

Before I can say anything else, he’s gone. I watch him stride across the grass, seeds and dandelion fluff flying in the air as he passes.

Funny enough, as he walks away, I feel as if I’m tethered to him by an invisible band and it’s stretching, and stretching, but soon, it’s going to snap and yank us back together. And then…the force of it is going to knock me off my feet.