My Better Life

What just happened?

She reaches up and touches my chest, drawing her fingers over my racing heart. “You okay?”

I look into her worried eyes, anchor myself by counting the freckles on her cheeks. “Did you know I’m claustrophobic?”

She frowns, the line between her eyebrows wrinkling. “That’s what that was?” She shakes her head. “I’ve never seen anything like it. You were taking too long, so I came down, and you were shaking, and your eyes were glassy and you were saying you couldn’t get out, that the door was locked and…” She trails off. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have sent you down if I’d known.”

My legs shake, and I realize I’ve felt this before, and in the past whenever I did, I ran. I ran into the woods, or across a field, or anywhere. I ran and the shaking stopped.

“You didn’t know?” I frown at her. Maybe it never bothered me when we were married, maybe the head injury made it all come back.

Jamie squeezes my hand, then she reaches out and brushes her cool fingers against my forehead. “I’m sorry. I won’t send you down again.”

I nod. “It’s fine. I had a memory.” I give her a sideways look, watching her take this in.

She bites her lip. “What was it?”

I shake my head. “Nothing really. I was in a small room. Maybe a closet. There was a man and he shut me in and locked the door. Then it was dark.” My skin runs cold again and I have the urge to run. Run, run, run far away.

Jamie’s eyes flicker with something like sorrow or regret. She steps close and rests her cheek against my chest. “You think it was from when you were a kid?”

I nod and rub my hand down her back. Holding her makes me feel steady again, my heart’s slowing down and the urge to run fades the longer I have her in my arms.

“I guess I didn’t have the best childhood.” I smile down at the top of her head and resist the sudden urge to brush my lips over her hair.

She presses closer to me. “I always thought you had a silver spoon in your mouth from infancy on. I thought you had a charmed life.”

I laugh, “What? While I was traveling in the circus? I don’t think so.”

Her hand stills on my back and I look down at her, trying to take in her features, but her face is buried against my chest and I can’t make her expression out.

“I think I had the wrong impression of you.” Her voice is muffled against my chest.

I rest my chin on her head. “Maybe. You know, I’m not sure I want my memories back. If that’s a taste of them, it’d be better if I forgot.”

“Are you scared of being locked in? Is that what it felt like?”

“It felt like I was locked in, buried alive, and I’d never be let out. All I wanted to do was run. Run across the world to get away, but then…” I frown over the trees, tilt my head to listen to the kids laughing and Scooter barking. I drift my hand over Jamie’s spine, running my fingers over her t-shirt, feeling the warmth of her and the curve of her.

“Then what?”

I smile down at her. “Then you were there. I didn’t need to run anymore, because I knew that you and the kids were the ones I’d want to run to anyway.”

I thought that realization would make her happy, but instead, it seems to make her unaccountably sad. She drops her head back against my chest and holds me close.

I stand holding her, soaking in the light, and after several long breaths, I say, “Shay talked to me today.”

Jamie looks up quickly. “She did?”

I nod. “She wants me to teach her to read.”

The sadness filters out of Jamie’s eyes, and it’s replaced with happiness. “What’d she say?”

“She asked me not to leave.” I shake my head. “She said sometimes dads leave. That’s not me though. You know that, right? Even though I can’t remember, I’m not leaving.”

Jamie blinks, and it’s not just my imagination, there’s the sheen of tears in her eyes.

I smile at her, then chuck her chin. “What’s so sad about that? You don’t want me sticking around?”

She shakes her head and steps out of my arms. “Let’s go have dinner. Forget the taters, the soup’s ready. I made you cornbread too.”

“Mmm. What else could a man want but a pretty wife, a gaggle of kids, and a plate of cornbread.” I wink at her, grab her hand, and follow her into the kitchen.