Relapse
CHAPTER FOUR
Patricia, my therapist, looks at me with kind green eyes. “How have you been, Ivy?”
“Horny,” I tell her honestly as I shift in my seat slightly. “Like really horny.” The fact that she doesn’t even blink at my words makes me aware that maybe I talk to her about my sex life a little too much.
She is your therapist, and it’s her job to listen to your problems…
“I have three really hot neighbors and I wouldn’t mind fucking any one of them, or all three.”
No reaction.
“At the same time.”
Silence.
“Could you say something? I’m really going through a dilemma here, Patricia.” I shake my head, pulling at the ends of my hair. “I mean, I’ve been doing really good as far as getting my act together for the kids, but a girl needs sex.” I grab my purse, swearing when I realize I forgot to refill it with lollipops. I drop the purse with a sigh. “I mean shit, look at me, I’m feening for lollipops because what I’m really feening for are cigarettes, and a stiff drink… and sex.”
“I see,” Patricia states calmly and it only infuriates me further.
“Just know when I fall off the bandwagon, it’s all your fault for not giving me any true insight.” I fidget in the comfy armchair as she continues to study me.
“I’m proud of you, Ivy.”
My eyes widen at her words. “Did you not just hear what I said?” I question as I consider that maybe it’s time for a new therapist since mine has clearly lost her mind.
She smiles. “Yes, I heard what you said and the fact that you only want those things and haven’t caved to them tells me all I need to know.”
“And that is?” Because I really need to know what in the world would make her proud of me.
“Ivy, I’ve been your therapist for two years now and do you know how many times you’ve pledged to go cold turkey and cut out your vices?”
I squint as I try to remember but I lost track after the first two failures. “No.”
“The first session of every month.”
My mouth drops open slightly. “Oh, you took those pledges seriously? I considered them more of a joke, you know, like ha, I’m going to get sober but not really.” I offer her a smile, but she doesn’t look the slightest bit impressed or amused.
My smile falls and I sigh. “Okay, so I’ve made a lot of… false promises.”
“Yes, you have and none of them have lasted longer than the walk from my office to the parking lot, where you usually light a cigarette…” Her nose wrinkles. “Or something heavier.”
“The weed was totally medicinal,” I lie though it isn’t necessary since weed is legal in Colorado.
She doesn’t acknowledge my statement. “My point is, I think that you’re committed to your goals this time and I’m really proud of you for that.” She pushes the glasses up on her face with one finger as her gaze bores into me. It makes me uncomfortable.
“Sure.” My fingers fidget slightly as I try to ignore her stare. It holds too much… expectation. The expectation that I won’t relapse again. I need to change the subject. “Do you have any suckers?” I ask when I’m finally able to bring my gaze to her.
She offers me a slight smile and I know she’s aware that I’m deflecting but she won’t call me out on it. Instead she reaches into a drawer next to her seat. Her hand pulls out a blue blow pop and she holds it out.
“Thanks.” I accept the treat, stuffing the wrapper into my pocket.
“Some people try straws,” Patricia says, tilting her head to the side slightly.
“Huh?” I ask as my fingers still.
“They cut up straws and use them as placeholders for cigarettes, it helps you go through the motions without the harmful side effects.”
“Oh.” I’m sure walking around with a plasticstrawin my mouth blowing and sucking on it, will only get me committed.