Relapse

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“Ivy, you seem a lot more stressed than usual today. How is everything going at home?” Patricia’s eyes hold concern as she looks over at me with a notepad and pencil in her lap.

“Everything is going wrong,” I tell her as my fingers fidget along the rip in my pants. “I did everything you told me not to do in our last meeting, including letting one of my neighbors go down on me after kissing my lights out.”

Her face remains unreadable as per usual but she shifts slightly in her seat. “I see.”

“No, you fucking don’t. Tanner hates me, Lilly isn’t talking unless it’s to say a curse word, other parents hate me and honestly I’m starting to hate me too.” The words come out quickly and I find myself gasping, on the verge of another anxiety attack.

Patricia lays her pen and paper down and stands, moving over to stand beside my chair. She places a hand on my shoulder and it instantly reminds me of a different, bigger, ring covered hand that was on me recently so I snatch away.

Patricia’s eyes widen.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize, leaning back in my seat and taking a couple of deep breaths. “I’m just really losing my shit here, Patricia.” How many times have I said that before?

I turn my head to look at Patricia and find her studying me thoughtfully. The weight of her stare makes me uncomfortable and I shift in my seat. Finally, her gaze lifts and she returns to her seat. She doesn’t pick her pen and paper back up and in a way it helps, makes me feel less like I’m being observed and more like I’m talking to a friend.

Which isn’t the truth… You’re talking to your therapist who’s looking like she’s considering having you recommitted.

“Ivy,” she says my name low but serious and it forces me to meet her gaze. “It’s okay to make mistakes.”

“I didn’t just make a mistake, Patricia, I made a huge fucking one, after you told me not to do it.”

“And that just makes you human, Ivy, nothing more nothing less. We’re all victims of temptation and in the end it doesn’t matter if you fall, only that you pick yourself back up.”

Her words hit hard and I have to take a deep breath as I recompose my thoughts. “I don’t know how to move forward with this, yet,” I confess. Not when I keep thinking about Emmet’s skillful fingers and his soft lips.

Patricia nods. “First off, remember that anything I say here is a suggestion and not how you have to live your life. Yes, I advised you not to get involved with any of your neighbors, but I’ve also advised you of other things over the years that you still went and did.” Without an ounce of guilt, hangs in the air between us, unspoken. “And yet you moved on from all of that. It’s time to move on from this. You had… relations with your neighbor, so you tell me what you want to do now that you have.”

My lips part slightly and my brows wrinkle. “Huh?”

The corners of Patricia’s eyes crinkle slightly. “Tell me what you want to do about your neighbor.”

“Oh.” I’d thought about Emmet plenty of times in the past twenty-four hours. Those thoughts were full of what we did and how I want to do it again while other times I regret it completely. But I haven’t thought of what I want to actually do moving forward. The man’s my neighbor and I don’t know much about him, hell, I don’t even know his last name. All I know is that what we did was wrong. I made things weird between us, just when I was starting to think maybe I could become true friends with my neighbors in due time. I also embarrassed myself in front of both Chase and Nathan who I know slightly better than Emmet. And Nathan is Tanner’s coach for fuck’s sake, how am I supposed to look him in the eye knowing his housemate gave me one of the best orgasms while he was only a few rooms over; especially when he’s asked me out multiple times himself.

My head starts to throb. “I don’t know,” I finally say. “I don’t know what I want to do.”

“Well, think that over,” Patricia encourages, “and whatever you decide, we’ll work through it together, but ultimately it’s your decision, okay?”

“Okay.” Some of the pressure is taken off of my chest and I realize that a lot of the disappointment I was feeling was a result of thinking that in a way I let Patricia down. She did tell me how proud of me she was after all and I went and messed it up not even a week later.

“We’ll come back to that in another session. You said Tanner hates you, can you tell me why you think that?”

I purse my lips, pushing one problem to the back of my mind to address another. “I don’t think so, I know it. In the beginning, everything was okay, I was still the cool aunt who he showered with hugs. Now, almost every time I say something to him, or have to get onto him, he mutters something smart under his breath or glares at me. The other day, after the cookout, he stormed out and slammed his door. He didn’t even come and get in my bed last night the way he usually does, and I know he’s still having nightmares, because when I went to check on him the other night, he was tossing and turning and covered in sweat. I woke him up and gave him water and offered to let him sleep in my bed, but he turned me down and turned his back on me.” I’d almost been in tears when I went back to my room, not understanding what I’d done to upset him so much that he’d prefer nightmares over being in my presence.

Patricia’s silent as she thinks it over before sitting forward in her seat. “It’s not unusual for kids to act out at his age, especially when they’re dealing with the trauma of losing both of their parents. You say he acts out more, when you discipline him, yes?”

I nod.

“I have my speculations of what this may be, but I think it best you bring Tanner in for a group session before I give you a direct answer.”

Well, that doesn’t really help me, Patricia.

Still, I don’t try to push her for more. “Okay.”

“And Ivy, stop feeling like a villain when you discipline. He’s better for it now than if you try to wait until he’s a teenager to start asserting control.” She sits back in her seat, closing the topic. “Now, let’s talk about that anxiety attack.” She folds her hands in her lap as she looks at me. “Tell me the events leading up to it.”

I think over the event in my head before vocalizing them. “We were at the cookout and we’d just gotten through eating. Tanner went to play with the other kids and Lilly wanted to follow. I wasn’t going to let her because there were a bunch of other big kids over there, you know, and I didn’t want her to get squashed.” Patricia’s face remains impassive as I tell the story. “But Chase came over and said he’d take care of her and I let him even though a part of me didn’t want to. Despite being able to see them, the further he got away with her, the worse the pressure on my chest got, but it also felt like it could have been withdrawals, so I wasn’t sure at first. It didn’t stop until I took the joint from Emmet.” I say the last part low even though I’ve already briefed Patricia on it. I still don’t want to repeat my failure.