Relapse

CHAPTER TWO

Aquick call to grandma and a trip to the store for a teething ring and Orajel reveals that Officer Chase Rivera was right.

Lilly is teething.

Great.

I have to force myself not to beg my grandma to hop in her car and make the ten hour drive to our house. I also have to force myself not to make the drive to hers.

I can’t go to her for every little problem and if I plan on raising kids for the next sixteen years, I’ll have to start being more independent.

Lilly settles into her bed for the night easily after having the Orajel spread on her gums. She already has a couple teeth in the front but she’s starting to cut teeth in the back too. Grandma said it’s typically the most painful for toddlers, so I enjoy the relaxation that I can get while she’s asleep, knowing once the Orajel wears off, there will be chaos.

Tanner goes to his room and though I hear him bumping around, I don’t stress that he needs to hurry and go to bed. It’s not a school night and I won’t be turning in for a while. No, the pressure on my chest and the increasing headache lets me know that I’m going to be up for a while.

My first panic attack as a parent.

Surely this is some type of milestone.

Patricia, my therapist told me that this would happen, that I’d get overwhelmed with having so much new stuff thrown on me at once. She said it didn’t matter that it happened, but how I handled it. And since I haven’t reached for a joint or a bottle of alcohol, I think I’m handling it well.

Then again, maybe if I hadn’t flushed all my weed down the toilet, I’d be hitting my stash. Unfortunately, when I realized my mother was actually trying to fight me for custody of my niece and nephew, I cleaned my act up quickly. There was no way in hell I was going to let her ruin them the same way she ruined me. Luckily, court proceedings didn’t last long since my sister explicitly left it in her will that I get sole custody of the kids. My mother never had a real contest.

I blow out a breath as I consider taking a couple of Benadryl. They’ve helped with my anxiety before but, after a moment, I decide not to. I don’t want to take them and be too deeply asleep if the kids need me.

I rub the spot between my brows as I take deep breaths.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale…

The pressure lessens slightly and I close my eyes. When they held those drug free seminars at school, they never stressed how it’d affect mental health, not that I’m sure it would have stopped me anyway.

No, I wanted to rebel as hard as I could and there was nothing that could have stopped me.

Nothing but my sister’s death apparently.

Hell, I was hungover with a joint between my lips when I got the call about her, which says enough in itself. There was no time for a long term plan, so cutting myself off cold turkey was the best way to go, but the cravings haven’t lessened, and Patricia says they likely never will. It’ll come down to mind over matter and since my mind hasn’t mattered for the last two decades and a half… I’m not sure how long I can hold out.

I eventually drift off to sleep only to be awakened by an eight year old crawling in my bed not even an hour later and snuggling up to me. He doesn’t have to tell me that he’s had another nightmare where he saw his parents die. Still, my heart clenches at the reality and I hold him tightly until we both go back to sleep.

I wake up at seven feeling like I’ve been run over by a semi. Tanner is snoring softly, not aware of how bad he sleeps. Still, I’d never turn him down when he comes in here in the middle of the night. I’d rather deal with the sore body.

Moving to the bathroom, I rake a comb through my dark curls and spritz it with water before changing into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. That’s another new thing, getting up and putting clothes on every day. I used to be content wearing my pajamas all day until it was time to go out at night. Now, I want to make sure the kids don’t pick up on the bad habit, especially since Kylie was a stickler for getting dressed bright and early every day.

I debate on cooking eggs and bacon but since a lot of the kitchen appliances are still packed, and there were shells in the food the last time I fixed eggs, I don’t. I settle for fixing Tanner a bowl of cereal and oatmeal for Lilly. I wake Tanner first, smiling when he pulls the covers back over his head and tries to go back to sleep.

“You can have a nap later, bud,” I tell him, debating on letting him sleep in longer. He takes the problem out of my hands when he rises from the bed, his eyes half closed and his hair flying everywhere.

“Okay,” he grumbles. There’s a puddle of drool on the collar of his Spiderman pajama shirt and he frowns at it before moving out of the room towards the dining room.

Waking Lilly doesn’t take long and fortunately she seems to be in a lot less pain this morning, only snuggling into my neck as I carry her to the dining room.

I place Lilly in her high chair across the cherrywood table from Tanner. He’s already halfway done with his bowl of cereal and his eyes are fully open now. I spoon feed Lilly her oatmeal, knowing from experience that when she does it herself, it’s a hot mess and I’m not ready to mess up the cream carpets in the new house already.