Just One Inch

But the minute she looked at my child, her expression changed from one of tiredness to alert urgency.

“We need to get this baby hydrated now,” she said to the nurse. “NOW!”

“She won’t drink,” I sobbed quietly. “I’ve tried everything to get her to drink my breast milk, formula, anything, but she just won’t suckle.”

“Ma’am, we’re going to push an IV on your daughter so that she gets the fluids she needs,” said the doctor. “Drinking fluids orally isn’t enough, we need to administer it directly to her bloodstream.”

I sat down limply.

“But she’s just a baby,” I said woodenly. “What’s wrong with her? Why is this happening? We only left the hospital a few days ago, she’s a newborn,” I whispered hoarsely.

“Ma’am, we don’t know but we’re going to find out,” the doctor said firmly. “She’ll be in the NICU for observation. In the meantime, if you could please wait in the waiting room, we’ll call you as soon as we have a diagnosis.”

I walked like a zombie into the hallway, utterly miserable. The fluorescent lights were bright, making it seem like artificial daytime although it was night. The waiting room was hushed, filled with people hacking and bleeding, looking worse for the wear. I didn’t want to be there. Everyone here was sick or dying, and I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was a part of this desperate scene too, the mother of a seriously ill child.

“Jake help me!” I screamed in my head. Although I’d been the one who’d dismissed him, I was suddenly furious at him. His daughter was in the NICU with an IV in her little body and he had no fucking idea.

Acting on impulse, I scrabbled my cell phone out of my purse and began dialing furiously. Oh shit! I didn’t have his cell, I only had his business line. Desperately, I rang the number and was met with an automated voice announcing, “Manning Pharmaceuticals is now closed. Please call back during our hours of operation.” I hung up, panting, furious, sweat beading my brow. I could have wrung Jake’s throat, but what were my options? I was literally helpless with panic and desperation.

Breathe, breathe, I told myself. This might be a scary moment, but as a single mom I knew there were more to come. After all, what did I expect? Leaving Jake was a conscious decision, even if it was made under complicated circumstances.

In the meantime, maybe I could ask my family for support. But the more I thought of it, the more I realized how unlikely it was. Jenna had been her usual self-centered self when my pregnancy started to show.

“Who’s the father Tina?” asked my sister nonchalantly. “I’m so surprised by this turn of events. It’s not like you’re … well, I never thought you could get a man. You don’t exactly project feminine charms, you know,” she said.

“Um okay,” I said wryly. Normally, this would have hurt, made me cringe internally and wonder why I wasn’t tall and svelte like my twin. But lately things were different. Insults from Jenna just slid off my back, probably because I was focused on more important things like getting my diploma, having my baby, and getting the hell out of Dodge.

“No seriously, Tina,” repeated my sister. “Who’s the father? Mom says you haven’t told her either and no one has seen you around campus with a guy. Seriously Teen, fess up. Did you go with artificial insemination? Did you go through a database of donors and select a profile you liked? Was he cute?” she said conspiratorially.

I had to laugh at that one. That would be the last thing on my mind, to use donor sperm. But I was unusually charitable towards my sister because she had no inkling of the truth … which was that her fiancé was the father of my baby, through natural methods, no test tubes necessary, thank you very much.

And as far as I knew, Jake and Jenna were still engaged to be married. I certainly hadn’t contacted him after our fateful meeting at the Manning offices, instead deleting his contact info from my phone and trying not to think about him, if possible. Whenever I did, images of his dark visage, those penetrating blue eyes made my insides grow moist to my chagrin. I was supposed to be detaching from this man, not fantasizing about him!

Nor had I bothered to enlighten my sister. There was no point. Jake and I were never going to see each other again, and the fact that I was going to have his baby was my secret to keep. He was in my past, this dark, ruthless man who had upended my world, and I just wanted to move on, especially since I’d found temporary peace.

Besides, I had no reason to believe Jake had broken off the engagement. Jenna still chattered non-stop about her upcoming nuptials with “Jake this, Jake that, my diamond this, my wedding dress that,” and I could tell she was quickly alienating any so-called friends, her narcissism boundless, a bridezilla for the ages. Sure, there were girls who simpered when Jenna spoke, but it was in the hopes of meeting a millionaire at her wedding. Those poor women, they made me sad and I shook my head at how backwards some people still were.