Secrets & Submission

ZANDER

Present time

The mixture of anger and fear are so intense that I could never calm myself. It’s impossible to feel anything other than rage as my hands tremble. My feelings won’t make any difference in the end, though. I’m going to do what I need to for Ella even if my heart is pounding so hard it threatens to leave my chest.

It hasn’t stopped since I left the motel. This unwanted concoction of emotions threatens to consume me.

All I need to do is gain control over this situation. And that means getting to Ella. The sound of my footsteps echoing on the staircase is foreboding as I climb up to the next floor. My ears burn knowing everyone else knew where she was before me. The fact she called Kam over me is something I’ll have to deal with later.

Speak of the fucking devil.

As I round the corner to the hall, Kam stands outside the door to her bedroom, his arms crossed over his chest. His irritation darkens his eyes and furrows his brow. The closer I get, the more palpable his anger is.

I’m thankful now for all the years on the job. Difficult clients and high-stress situations. High-risk scenarios. Nothing has ever felt like this before, though. Like I’m on the cusp of losing her. Losing everything. All my experience with The Firm means nothing if I don’t have Ella. Kam can be pissed all he wants; he can’t make me feel any worse than I do right now.

Kam draws himself up to his full height as I stop in front of him, the wooden floor creaking slightly. “You have no idea how badly you fucked up, do you?”

He squares up with me like he wants to fight and as much as I’d love to oblige, my feelings on the matter are irrelevant. Still, I sure as hell don’t want to get into a discussion of whether or not I fucked up, let alone how it all happened. I want to get to Ella. I need to get to her. I will make damn sure she never runs from me again.

If Kam weren’t her conservator, I’d ignore him entirely. As it is, she called him. I can’t ignore that.

“Is she okay?” I ask in as level a tone I can manage, bypassing Kam’s question to discuss the only topic that matters.

Kam lets out a breath. He’s obviously pissed, but wary as well. His expression slips, revealing he’s more scared than anything. Fuck. I didn’t think I could sink any lower, that I could feel fear any more than I did the entire drive here.

“Is she all right?” I demand.

“Right now? She’ll be okay,” he admits finally. “I ran her a bath. When she’s finished in there, she needs to get some sleep.”

I can breathe again with a hint of relief. But only a hint. He continues, “Damon checked her out, and there’s nothing wrong, but she needs rest. I was just stepping out to get her some water. She’s … not sober. I’ll stay with her tonight.”

“I’ll be staying with her tonight.”

“Zander, no. I—”

With my shoulder to him, I go around Kamden toward her bedroom. It’s a good five feet away and I eat up the distance with him trailing behind me.

I half expect Kam to argue with me. He could try to drag me away from Ella’s room, and I wouldn’t put it past him. If I were in his shoes, I’d be doing the same. Both of us are trying to beat the other one to be the first to the door.

It doesn’t really matter who’s first. I’m going to go in. She’s mine. This problem is mine to fix.

As we take the final steps to reach Ella, the fear comes back. I’ll never be able to get those images of her out of my mind. The way she seemed to get more and more distant as the night went on. The panic I felt when she fell from that ledge. Leaving me in the middle of the night in a strange motel.

Something I did triggered her and led to her spiral. I saw it happening and I hung back thinking I could catch her at any moment. I failed her.

A cold sweat lingers on the back of my neck as I grip the glass doorknob.

I’m genuinely afraid to lose her, yet we’ve been reckless. I regret that. I should have been more careful with her. I also should have made a few things much clearer. I’ll be rectifying that immediately.

That’s the danger of falling in love. You break rules. Find excuses to justify your actions. She has clouded my judgment from the first moment I saw her. I knew better from the very beginning with Ella, but I couldn’t stop myself. I felt too much for her.

In my own weakness, I risked losing her because I didn’t have the strength to tear myself away. Now it’s too late for that, even if Kam made a real attempt to stop me. There is nothing that will keep me from her ever again.

Kam grabs my shoulder and turns me to face him. His expression is dead serious, the anger in his pale blue eyes cold and menacing.

“Listen,” he says in a low voice, nearly a hiss, his hand still gripping my shoulder. “If you don’t take control of this situation, then I will.” His eyes search mine, his lips pressed in a grim line.

This isn’t like him, but Kam’s been pushed to the limit tonight. I see my own fear reflected in his eyes. He grits his teeth and continues. “Nothing that happened tonight can ever happen again. If you fail her, I’ll destroy you.”