Secrets & Submission

ZANDER

Any misconduct by a member of The Firm will be investigated immediately.

Sleeping with Ella breaks down a wall inside me.

It’s all I can think about. And on this drive back to the motel, it’s killing me.

I slept with her. I didn’t tell my brother. At this point, I don’t know that I will. Damon wouldn’t betray me. I’d be a shitty person to put him in that position, but if it’s for Ella, I’ll draw that line.

Everything is so fucked. And my little bird has no idea.

Selfishly I know I’ve failed her, but I wouldn’t change it. I want to hold on just a while longer, feeling those walls break down.

It’s been crumbling for a while now. Probably since the day I saw her standing at the front of that courtroom. Probably since the first time her eyes met mine. One some level, far below conscious thought, I knew I wanted her. All of her.

And I knew it would be different.

It is different.

It has to be different.

My mind can’t settle. It’s been a runaway mess since I got up from Ella’s bed this morning. There was so much rightness in laying her down in her bed, in fucking her like both of us wanted for so long. Peace, like I haven’t felt at any point in my life. And then the heartbroken expression on her face. The tears gathering in her eyes.

And the things she said—

They remind me of Quincy.

That combined with Damon texting me, reminding me that I need to be careful. He says he’s worried for me.

It’s too much like Quincy, man.

The hearing’s coming up. I’m worried for you.

You sure this is for the right reasons?

She could get hurt, and you might not see it coming.

It fucking guts me,to second-guess what I feel for her and what I know she feels for me.

Memories from the past keep sneaking up on me. Quincy’s face across the table from me at a wine bar in the city, her blue eyes bright with flirtation and confidence. The disappointment that stared back at me on a street corner, her hand on my chest, those same blue eyes filled with crushing disappointment.

Even now I feel the push as she shoved me away.

Quincy saying, “No. I’m going for a walk. Don’t follow me.”

I should have followed, but her final statement kept me from trailing after her: “If you don’t want all of me, then I don’t want any of you.”

She was my submissive, but she wanted more. She wanted a “real” relationship.

I hadn’t followed her, because she wanted space—and because she wanted something from me that I couldn’t give her. What was the point of following, when there was no agreeing to disagree? I didn’t want to marry her. I loved her in a way that wasn’t that. I broke her heart that night, but it was the truth. She knew when we started that I wasn’t looking for more. She said she wasn’t either.

She wanted things to progress past sharing an apartment that I barely slept in. Quincy wanted more commitment than a one-year lease. She wanted a ring on her finger, and I couldn’t do it.

Not because I didn’t love her. I did, in a way. But not in the way I feel about Ella. It was the way you care about a person when you’re trying to give them what you want, at the expense of giving up what you need.

Quincy wanted me to be different for her.

Ella just wants me to be hers.