Scandalized

“Because it was supposed to be just sex.”

“Gigi…” he says quietly. “I mean—I don’t think it was ever just sex.”

I feel the dual blast of relief and embarrassment at this obvious truth. “I don’t think it hit me until tonight that we aren’t even pretending.”

“I understand.”

“It’s only been,” I say, thinking, “four days since Seattle. Feelings don’t happen like that.”

He’s quiet in response.

“Four days is nothing,” I say. “It doesn’t even make sense. This is… I mean, it feels too good to be true.”

Behind me, he stands, cupping my shoulders. “Come back to bed.”

He helps me up and we find our way back in the darkness. I climb between the sheets and watch the shadow of him follow me in. He reaches for me, coaxing me into the warm solidity of his body, tucking my head beneath his chin and sliding his hand beneath the hem of my top. Just resting it there low on my back.

“It’s probably the worst time for either of us to get involved with anyone,” he admits, and the vibration of his voice dances across my scalp. “You’re just out of something that ended badly. I’ve been completely wrapped up in what’s happening with Sunny. Yael and I almost didn’t make this trip.”

Her words from earlier slither between us. He doesn’t have time for relationships. I don’t want you to have expectations.

“There’s that, too,” I admit, not wanting to say too much but needing to at least voice her concerns between us. “She doesn’t…” I don’t know how to finish the thought. I don’t want him to think I’m bad-mouthing her, or tattling. “Yael doesn’t seem to think this is a good idea.”

“Well,” he says, and kisses the top of my head, “it isn’t really up to her.”

“I know, but she’s important to you.”

“She is, but in this case—Yael, I mean—it’s complicated.” He breathes in and out and we both fall silent for a handful of seconds. Finally, Alec admits, “She is, and has been, in love with Sunny for a very long time.”

My eyes fall closed under the weight of understanding. “Oh.”

He swallows. “I don’t know whether Sunny has ever—” He stops, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t know if they have a more intimate history or not. I sometimes think they do, but I’m not sure and it really isn’t my business. Regardless, Yael wanted me to stay back in London. To take care of Sunny, to figure out what really happened with Josef that night. I couldn’t miss this trip, but the plan was that we would come, take care of the promotion responsibilities, and go home.” He pauses. “Did she say something to you?”

“She did, but it’s okay. This all makes a lot of sense now.”

I’m grateful that he doesn’t ask me to tell him the specifics. He says only, “To Yael, you’re probably an emotional complication we don’t have time for.”

I swallow past a tangled ball of feelings in my throat. “I get that.”

“But I see it differently,” he says. “It’s only been a few days, and it’s true that there is a lot more we don’t know about each other than we do, but my bone-deep sense of you hasn’t changed since Seattle. And I’m not sure what to make of that.” Slowly, he strokes circles on my back. “I usually have a pretty good sense of people, but I also don’t fall into things the way I’ve fallen into you.” He exhales a quiet laugh. “That combination is a little bewildering.”

“Yeah,” I agree, and smile into his neck.

“I guess my instinct is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until a decision is forced on us, but then what do we do if we reach the end of my trip only feeling more than we do now?”

I shake my head, pressing my face right up against him. That possibility is the best- and worst-case scenario. “I feel compelled to tell you that I do not think I am capable of handling a long-distance relationship very well,” I say. “Even though you are nothing like Spence, and I consider myself to be a pretty levelheaded person, I think the distance wouldn’t work for me right now. I would be an anxious mess.”

This truth settles like another body between us.

“I get that.” Alec pulls away slightly to look down at me in the darkness. “And if you want to go home tonight, I understand. It’s been an emotionally intense day for you. My preference is you stay. I’m—I mean, I am obviously deeply attracted to you, but beyond that I like you. I want to be around you as much as I can until I leave.” He pulls his hand free of my shirt and cups my face. “I also understand why you panicked tonight. It does feel too soon for this kind of conversation, but given how we are together—how natural this is—I’m not sure whether it is. It’s probably good that we’re having it.”

I nod, looking at his dark, glimmering eyes in the weak light sneaking in between the heavy curtains. I think about climbing in a cab, going home, sleeping alone in my bed knowing he’s here alone, too. My blood sours at the thought. “I’ll stay tonight.”

He kisses my forehead. “Good.”

Inside me is a whole vocabulary of feelings and thoughts, scattered in loose piles of mismatched words. It sends a chaotic shiver through me; a mess of emotions press up against my ribs, tap at the underside of my skin.

“I’m sorry I woke you up. I know your day tomorrow is crazy.”