Fool Me Once

“Of course I would. This baby is my family—our family. I’m not trying to sway you one way or the other. I know how important Columbia is to you, and if that’s what you want, I’ve got your back. But I need you to know that’s not your only option. You’re not alone in this.”

And then it hits me. “Carterville accepted me on a full scholarship.” I run over to my dresser and grab the acceptance letters, finding the one I’m looking for. “I can call them and see if maybe they have a family dorm available. I can ask if you would be able to live with me.”

“Okay.” She nods. “Call. But if it’s not possible, we can still get a place. The most important thing is that your college is paid for.”

I give them a call and, after explaining my situation, the person in charge tells me there’s a waiting list for this August, but if I wanted to defer a year, they could get me in for next August.

“Would I lose my scholarship?” I ask.

The lady looks up my information and says, “You are allowed to defer one year for medical purposes. Having a baby would fall under that category. You could start next August. Also, your scholarship doesn’t require you to live on campus. It states that we’ll pay a set amount toward your living expenses, which means you can actually live anywhere and with anyone you’d like, and if your expenses are more, you would just have to pay the difference.” I give Sierra a look, asking if she’s okay with all of this, and when she nods, I tell the lady that’s what I’m going to do.

“This is crazy,” I tell Sierra when I get off the phone. “How am I going to raise a baby and go to school?”

“We’re going to raise a baby,” Sierra tells me. “We’ve both been saving all summer, so we can afford a place in Carterville. We’ll spend the next year getting situated, and once the baby is…” We both do the math in our heads.

“He’ll be eight months old,” I tell her.

“When he’s eight months old, you’ll start school. We got this.”

“And what if we don’t?” My head is spinning. It feels like I only just found out I was pregnant. Now I’m making plans for well after he’s born.

“That’s not an option.”

And just like that, my future has been paved. Only this time, it includes my sister—my best friend—by my side.

As Sierra pulls me into a hug, telling me everything will be okay, I wonder if somehow, in this clusterfuck of a situation, maybe our mom heard my prayers from above the day I spoke to her at her grave, and helped guide Sierra back to me.

I’d like to think she did.

Blakely

Three and a half years later

“Zane Keegan Jacobs, if you don’t get up right this second, Mommy is going to be late for her first day, and you’re going to be late for school.” When my three-year-old doesn’t budge, I add, “Don’t you want to go to school and see Melissa?” This gets a bit of movement out of him. “You have to give her the Christmas gift you bought her.” And now he’s up.

“I can give her the doll?” His thick brown hair is all over the place from rolling around in his sleep, and he has pillow creases across half his face. My child is a mess.

“You can. She’ll be there today,” I tell him, thankful that his best friend Melissa was out of town over Christmas break, which means I can use the gift he bought and is excited to give her as a bargaining chip to get him out of bed.

Zane’s tiny lips curve in a huge grin, and both of his dimples pop out—just like his daddy. If I hadn’t been the one to carry him for nine months and push him out of me after forty hours of labor, I would think Keegan, himself, rolled over and created Zane on his own. They look that much alike. And just like every time I think about Keegan, my heart constricts in my chest over the man who is somewhere in this world and has no idea he has a son.

Once Sierra and I found the perfect three-bedroom apartment, walking distance from the school, we moved to Carterville, so we could get ready for Zane’s arrival. He was born in December, and we spent the next year learning how to juggle raising a baby while working. I worked part-time, and Sierra worked full-time.

When I wasn’t working, I would take Zane for walks around campus. Since Keegan had mentioned he went to Carterville, I had hoped to find him. I asked several people if they knew anyone named Keegan, but most just looked at me like I was crazy. I even tried to ask the admissions office, but they refused to give me any information. Without a court order, student files are off-limits.