Surrendering Series Box Set

He turned to me with tears in his eyes.

“Two. On both.” Gingerly, he held them up for me to see. I definitely didn’t trust his eyes anymore. They couldn’t be positive. A distant part of my mind told me that I was definitely in denial, once the evidence was right in front of my face. The rest of my brain told that part to shut the fuck up.

Four lines. Two on each test. The control line and the Rory-you-are-knocked-up line.

Four fucking lines.

“Maybe they’re both wrong?” I said, my voice timid.

“Or maybe they’re both right and you’re pregnant and you can let yourself believe it,” he said, sitting next to me on the tub.

“Listen, I know that this isn’t exactly what you wanted, but we are getting married in eight days. This would have happened eventually, right? Sometimes things happen when you least expect them.” He was being way too cavalier about this.

“But I didn’t want to be pregnant!” I wailed, putting my head in my hands. Then I realized my hands were busy holding pee sticks and I tossed them on the floor.

Lucah put his arm around me.

“I know, I know. Let’s just sit here with it for a few minutes.” He rubbed what were probably supposed to be comforting circles on my shoulder, but they weren’t doing the trick. My mind was exploding.

What about my job? What about the wedding? What about the apartment? What about complications? What if I had twins? What if…

There was nothing else to do but let my brain go through every horrible possibility. Once it got rolling, there was no stopping that thought train. It had left the station and was on its way.

“Okay, I know I’m supposed to let you have time to process this, but I’d really like to process it together. You know we’re always better when we do things together.” In the back part of my mind (the rational part that wasn’t freaking out), I knew he was right. We were better at things together than we were separately.

But he wasn’t the one who was pregnant. He wasn’t the one who was going to have to grow a human for nine months. I was.

There was a fucking human inside my body.

“Rory?” Lucah said and I finally looked up at him. “Will you please talk to me?” He asked so nicely, but I wanted to bite his head off.

“I’m freaking the fuck out and thinking about all the ways this can’t work. And I know you wanted this, but I didn’t and I especially didn’t want it a fucking week before my fucking wedding.” I was starting to sound like Ryder. Lucah watched my face, but didn’t interrupt.

“I’m thinking that this is going to ruin my career and now we’re going to have to move to the suburbs and I’m going to be tired and old before my time. I’m not ready for this, Lucah. I’m so not ready for this.” He nodded and took both of my hands in his.

“I know you’re feeling that way now. But it’s only been a few minutes, so it’s really intense. I’m not going to tell you how to think and feel because this is happening in your body. I’m here for you. Whatever you want, that’s what we’ll do.” My mouth dropped open. Did that mean he’d support me if I didn’t want to have it? Even after we’d talked about our ideal futures and they’d included children?

“I don’t know what to do,” I said honestly. He slowly put his arms around me.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to decide anything right this minute. Is there anything I can get you? Are you hungry?” I didn’t know what I was, except knocked up. My fucking ginger fiancé knocked me up with his probably ginger baby.

“No. I don’t think so.” Carefully, he stood up with me and let me go. Lucah was treating me like I was fragile and I wasn’t a fan of it at this particular moment.

“I’m not going to freak out and do something drastic, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I said, looking up into his eyes. He was carefully shielding his emotions from me, damn him. I wished I was better at doing that myself. Maybe I could practice and learn it like a skill.

“I know,” he said, rubbing my arms up and down. “I know. I just want you to know that you don’t have to keep it inside. I can take whatever you want to say.” I wasn’t sure about that. I wasn’t sure if he could handle all of the thoughts in my head. I sure as hell couldn’t.

Somehow he got me out of the bathroom and then made me sit on the bed in the bedroom. I heard him doing something in the living room and I realized that he was cleaning up the rest of the pregnancy tests.

“Oh, fuck,” I said, lying back, my head bouncing off the bed. I tilted my head up and looked down at my stomach. It wasn’t exactly flat at the moment, but it was cute. Lucah liked it. My hands shook a little as I placed them on my lower belly. Right where…

“What are you doing?” Lucah asked and I whipped my hands away like I’d been caught masturbating or something.

“Nothing,” I said, looking up at the ceiling again. Lucah lay down on his stomach next to me. I almost jumped when I felt his hand creeping toward the spot where I’d just had mine.

“Don’t do that,” I said, but I didn’t really mean it. One tear and then another leaked from each of my eyes, but Lucah didn’t move his hand. He drew little circles with his index finger.

I opened my mouth and asked a question I knew I was probably going to regret asking.