Dust of Dreams (The Malazan Book of the Fallen 9)
‘He used you cruelly, Bakal.’
The warrior stared down at his swollen hand, and then shook his head. ‘I failed him. I did not understand.’
‘If you failed him,’ growled Strahl, ‘then we all have.’
In Bakal’s mind, there was no disputing that. ‘To think,’ he muttered, ‘we called him coward.’
Before them and behind them, the crows danced.
Some roads were easier to leave than others. Many walked to seek the future, but found only the past. Others sought the past, to make it new once more, and discovered that the past was nothing like the one they’d imagined. One could walk in search of friends, and find naught but strangers. One could yearn for company but find little but cruel solitude.
A few roads offered the gift of pilgrimage, a place to find somewhere ahead and somewhere in the heart, both to be found at the road’s end.
It was true, as well, that some roads never ended at all, and that pilgrimage could prove a flight from salvation, and all the burdens one carried one must now carry back to the place whence they came.
Drop by drop, the blood built worn stone and dirt. Drop by drop, the way of the Road to Gallan was opened. Weak, ever on the edge of fever, Yan Tovis, Queen of the Shake, commander of thousands of the dispirited and the lost, led the wretched fools ever onward. To the sides, shadows thickened to darkness, and still she walked.
Hunger assailed her people. Thirst haunted them. Livestock lowed in abject confusion, stumbled and then died. She had forgotten that this ancient path was one she had chosen to ease the journey, to slip unseen through the breadth of the Letherii Kingdom. She had forgotten that they must leave it-and now it was too late.
The road was more than a road. It was a river and its current was tightening, holding fast all that it carried, and the pace quickened, ever quickened. She could fight-they all could fight-and achieve nothing but drowning.
Drop by drop, she fed the river, and the road rushed them forward.
We are going home. Did I want this? Did I want to know all that we had abandoned? Did I want the truth, an end to the mysteries of our beginnings?
Was this a pilgrimage? A migration? Will we find salvation?
She had never even believed in such things. Sudden benediction, blessed release-these were momentary intoxications, as addictive as any drug, until one so hungered for the escape that the living, mindful world paled in comparison, bleached of all life, all wonder.
She was not a prophet. But they wanted a prophet. She was not holy. But they begged her blessing. Her path did not promise a road to glory. Yet they followed unquestioningly.
Her blood was not a river, but how it flowed!
No sense left for time. No passage of light to mark dawn, noon and dusk. Darkness all around them, before and behind, darkness breeding in swirls of stale air, the taste of ashes, the stench of charred wood and fire-cracked stone. How long? She had no idea.
But people behind her were falling. Dying.
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‘He used you cruelly, Bakal.’
The warrior stared down at his swollen hand, and then shook his head. ‘I failed him. I did not understand.’
‘If you failed him,’ growled Strahl, ‘then we all have.’
In Bakal’s mind, there was no disputing that. ‘To think,’ he muttered, ‘we called him coward.’
Before them and behind them, the crows danced.
Some roads were easier to leave than others. Many walked to seek the future, but found only the past. Others sought the past, to make it new once more, and discovered that the past was nothing like the one they’d imagined. One could walk in search of friends, and find naught but strangers. One could yearn for company but find little but cruel solitude.
A few roads offered the gift of pilgrimage, a place to find somewhere ahead and somewhere in the heart, both to be found at the road’s end.
It was true, as well, that some roads never ended at all, and that pilgrimage could prove a flight from salvation, and all the burdens one carried one must now carry back to the place whence they came.
Drop by drop, the blood built worn stone and dirt. Drop by drop, the way of the Road to Gallan was opened. Weak, ever on the edge of fever, Yan Tovis, Queen of the Shake, commander of thousands of the dispirited and the lost, led the wretched fools ever onward. To the sides, shadows thickened to darkness, and still she walked.
Hunger assailed her people. Thirst haunted them. Livestock lowed in abject confusion, stumbled and then died. She had forgotten that this ancient path was one she had chosen to ease the journey, to slip unseen through the breadth of the Letherii Kingdom. She had forgotten that they must leave it-and now it was too late.
The road was more than a road. It was a river and its current was tightening, holding fast all that it carried, and the pace quickened, ever quickened. She could fight-they all could fight-and achieve nothing but drowning.
Drop by drop, she fed the river, and the road rushed them forward.
We are going home. Did I want this? Did I want to know all that we had abandoned? Did I want the truth, an end to the mysteries of our beginnings?
Was this a pilgrimage? A migration? Will we find salvation?
She had never even believed in such things. Sudden benediction, blessed release-these were momentary intoxications, as addictive as any drug, until one so hungered for the escape that the living, mindful world paled in comparison, bleached of all life, all wonder.
She was not a prophet. But they wanted a prophet. She was not holy. But they begged her blessing. Her path did not promise a road to glory. Yet they followed unquestioningly.
Her blood was not a river, but how it flowed!
No sense left for time. No passage of light to mark dawn, noon and dusk. Darkness all around them, before and behind, darkness breeding in swirls of stale air, the taste of ashes, the stench of charred wood and fire-cracked stone. How long? She had no idea.
But people behind her were falling. Dying.
Where is home? It lies ahead. Where is home? Lost far behind us.
Where is home? It is within, gutted and hollow, waiting to be filled once more.
Where is Gallan?
At this road’s end.
What is Gallan’s promise? It is home. I–I need to work through this. Round and round-madness to let it run, madness. Will the light never return? Is the joke this: that salvation is all around us, even as we remain for ever blind to it?
Because we believe… there must be a road. A journey, an ordeal, a place to find.
We believe in the road. And in believing we build it, stone by stone, drop by drop. We bleed for our belief, and as the blood flows, the darkness closes in-
‘The Road to Gallan is not a road. Some roads… are not roads at all. Gallan’s promise is not from here to there. It is from now to then. The darkness… the darkness comes from within. ’
A truth, and most truths were revelations.
She opened her eyes.
Behind her, parched throats opened in a moaning chorus. Thousands, the sound rising to challenge the rush of black water on stony shores, to waft out and run between the charred tree-stumps climbing the hillsides to the left.
Yan Tovis stood at the shore, not seeing the river sweeping past the toes of her boots. Her gaze had lifted, vision cutting through the mottled atmosphere, to look upon the silent, unlit ruins of a vast city.
The city.
Kharkanas.
The Shake have come home.
Are we… are we home?
The air belonged in a tomb, a forgotten crypt.
And she could see, and she knew. Kharkanas is dead.
The city is dead.
Blind Gallan-you lied to us.
Yan Tovis howled. She fell to her knees, into the numbing water of River Eryn. ‘You lied! You lied! ’ Tears ran from her eyes, streamed down her cheeks. Salty beads spun and glittered as they plunged into the lifeless river.