No Tomorrow

I hold my breath for a few seconds. Let his words sink in. Then I slowly exhale.

“Oh.” It’s all I can manage to say because I’m not prepared for this on any level today. Or any day, really.

“I knew you were in love with Blue and I didn’t want to get in the middle of that. I’ve been trying to figure out my shit at the same time, but when I think about what I really want? I want what we had. Me and you and Lyric and the pets.”

“Josh….”

He looks at me. “When I kissed you, it felt right. For me. How did it feel for you?”

My body buzzes with nervousness and I swallow hard. “Surprising,” I answer. “But good, too. I guess I wasn’t ready for it. And to be honest, I wasn’t thinking about you in that way, so it kinda spun my head around.”

“Fair enough. Could you think of me in that way?”

I take a good look at the man in front of me. He’s changed a lot since we dated when we were kids. He’s not the shy nerd anymore. The man sitting on my bed is, quite frankly, gorgeous and confident. Not only does he have an amazing muscular body and perfect GQ face, but he’s a truly great guy. He’s caring, affectionate, patient and family oriented. He’s intelligent and has a great sense of humor. He’s stable and normal—which is a huge plus.

But he likes men, too. That’s certainly not abnormal—just something different for me to think about. I admire that he’s capable of caring about and being attracted to people for who they are and not for what’s between their legs. It does make me feel insecure that he’s been intimate with men, though. I can’t help but wonder if he’s physically attracted to me, and if I would be enough for him when it comes to sexual intimacy.

I lick my lips and try to answer as honestly as I can. “I think I could. I think I’d need some time, but I do think it’s maybe possible. I’m attracted to you and I care about you and….”

He kisses me before I can finish, and again, I’m not ready. I want to be, and I think someday I could be. But tonight, I’m too worried about my dog and my daughter and a phone call I’m going to have to make tomorrow to give a hundred percent of myself to Josh. And I don’t want to give less than my all to anyone.

I pull away, and he touches his finger to my lips. “Don’t say it.” He grins. “I shouldn’t have done that. I know you’re not ready. I just want to show you I know how to kiss now.” He flashes me a joking smile.

“You definitely know how to kiss now. No worries there,” I assure him.

“I won’t push you, Piper. I promise. When things finally do settle down, I’m taking you on that date and we’ll see how we feel.”

I nod and smile softly at him. “I’d like that.”

We lie on my bed together and watch a movie, and he falls asleep next to me. I snuggle against his arm and watch him sleep. I like how content he looks, and I like having him next to me. I feel safe, and comfortable. This is something I could see myself getting used to and being happy with.

If I could forget Blue.

Chapter Thirty-Three

This morning was one of the worst of my life. Telling my daughter that her very first best friend was going to be leaving us soon was absolutely heartbreaking. I’m grateful Josh stayed overnight and was here with me when I told her, because he was able to help explain how Acorn would be going to sleep forever and be a doggy guardian angel much better than I could, and he was able to talk to her without crying. I could barely get two sentences out without breaking down.

After Josh leaves, Lyric somewhat recovers and decides to work on a huge jigsaw puzzle on a board in the middle of the floor. I grab my phone and go out on the back porch to call the person I vowed to never call again. It takes me at least fifteen minutes of staring at the phone and pep-talking myself to finally dial his number.

The first time I call, it goes to voicemail, but I don’t leave a message. I hang up and redial, and this time he answers.

“Yeah?” he says, and I have no idea if he has caller ID and knows it’s me.

“It’s me.”

There’s our notorious minute of silence that our random phone calls always seem to start with. I wait for it to end.

“Ladybug.” He clears his throat. “Wow.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He pauses. “Damn, just hearing your voice again… it’s making my heart pound like fucking crazy.”