No Tomorrow

Mine too. But I won’t tell him that.

“I have to tell you something.”

“If you had a baby without me I’m gonna be really mad.”

My teeth grind together. “No. This is serious.”

“I was being serious, babe.”

“Don’t call me babe right now, please. I just need to get this out.” Hearing his voice only amplifies my emotions. I’m trembling and on the verge of tears for the hundredth time in the past forty-eight hours. Still, after all this time, he has that same heart-fluttering, time-has-stood-still effect on me.

“Okay,” he says. “I’m all for getting it out. Whatever it is.”

“Acorn has cancer. It’s untreatable. He’s very sick and I’m going to have to put him to sleep. And I thought you should know in case you want to be there. To say goodbye.”

He exhales deeply on the other end of the line. “Fuck,” he says. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

“I’m sorry, Blue. He got sick in a short time, and I just didn’t know. Up until recently he’s been happy and playful. He was having some trouble with the stairs and jumping on the furniture, but I thought it was old age. A few weeks ago I bought a new house with no stairs so it was easier for him to get around. I just…” I gulp for air as a sob escapes me. “I did everything I could to give him a good life. He’s the best dog in the world and we love him so much and I just wish this wasn’t happening…”

“Piper…” he breathes. “That’s why I left him with you. Nobody loves like you do.”

I choke and sniffle. “Yeah, well, a lot of good that’s done me. All I do is get my heart broken. I spent the morning trying to explain to our daughter how this dog that’s been her best friend since the day she was born isn’t going to be here anymore.”

“Fuck, babe. I’m so sorry. Is she all right?”

“I think so. I don’t know, really. She’s a very caring little girl, but sometimes she gets quiet and I don’t know what she’s thinking.”

“I’ll be there. Tell me when and where.”

His answer sets me back a step. I wasn’t expecting him to actually want to be there. I thought he’d be upset, and I thought I’d hear him run to the nearest bottle and then hear him fall apart on the other end of the phone. I wasn’t prepared for him to sound so together.

“I have to talk to the vet first. Can I email you the information? It will be soon though. Probably next weekend.”

“I can make that work. You can call me with the info, though, you don’t have to email me.”

“I’d rather just email it to you.”

“C’mon, Piper. Don’t be like this. I miss you. We’re both upset… we can talk.”

Closing my eyes, I count to five to give myself time to not let myself open up to him again.

“I don’t want to talk. I’m just trying to do the right thing.”

“So you won’t even talk to me? That’s it?”

“Yes.”

Click, click of his tongue bar.

“All right, then.” Frustration and disappointment deepen his tone. “I’m not gonna beg. I’m glad you called. I want to be there. Does he need anything in the meantime? Medicine? I’ll send you some money.”

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the fact that Blue has money now. And probably a lot of it. To me, he’s still the cute guy playing in the park getting coins tossed in a jar who insisted on buying me an ice cream cone. And I’m still the girl who didn’t give a crap about any of it and only wanted to be with him. No matter what.

“Thank you, but I’m okay for money.”

“I want to send something. Maybe you can take Lyric someplace special or buy her something to kinda cheer her up? Maybe we can buy her a locket to keep a bit of his fur in? Or a picture of him? I dunno, I’m not good at this shit.”

For the first time, he just referred to us as a we regarding Lyric. We as in parents together of this little person. I sit in one of the wicker chairs on the porch and watch a wind chime blow lightly in the wind while I try to process how his words make me feel.

Confused. Leery. Hopeful.

The locket suggestion is also a surprise—one I wish I had thought of myself.

“The locket is a really sweet idea. I think she’d love a picture of him to wear around her neck. I’ll pick one up for her. I really have to go now, I don’t want to leave her alone for too long when she’s upset.”

“Got it. I’m sorry, Ladybug. For everything-”

I don’t let him finish. “I’ll email you when I have the information. Goodbye.”

I end the call and yank my hand away from the phone before I change my mind and call him again. It’s been almost three years since we last talked. Three damn years. Our feelings for each other should be gone. People break up, they move on; they stop loving and wanting each other. Why can’t we do that? What’s wrong with us that we can’t just end?