“Okay.”
“I would feel better if we wait about two or three months before you meet her.”
The strumming pauses, then starts again. “And the reason for that?” he asks.
“There’re a few reasons. The first is that she’ll be on summer break then. She’s doing really good in school right now and I don’t want to do anything that might disrupt her. The second is you said you’ve been straight for six months, and given your track record, I’d feel more comfortable if you were clean a few more months. I’m not trying to throw the past in your face, Blue, but I have to be careful. I can’t let you come and go like a revolving door with our daughter. You need to be absolutely, one hundred percent sure that you can commit to some kind of stable relationship with her.”
The strumming stops. “I really fucking love you, Ladybug.” His voice is husky and dreamy.
A small laugh slips from me. “Um… that’s really sweet but also a totally random response to what I just said.”
“I know. It’s just the way you love her, the way you loved Acorn, the way you’ve always loved me. It’s so powerful and intense. It makes me feel lucky… and proud that you’re her mother. I can just tell you won’t take any shit.”
“I won’t, Blue. Not when it comes to Lyric.”
“Then three months it is. That gives me time to try to figure out how to be the cool dad.”
“You already are the cool dad. She’s going to be fascinated with your long hair, your tattoos, all your jewelry. She’s very artistic like you.”
“She sounds awesome,” he says. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
He genuinely sounds excited and sincere. I’m hoping all the crap from his past stays in the past and doesn’t creep back up to ruin this for him or for her.
A faint, wandering melody fills the silence for a few minutes. I close my eyes and get lost in it, just like I used to. I’m taken back to the park, to his sexy smile, to falling in love with him. I wish we could go back to that time.
“Do I have to wait three months for you, too?” he asks.
“Oh, Blue,” I say with a small amount of exasperation. “What am I going to do with you?”
“What do you want to do with me?”
Where to start? So many things…
“That’s a hard question to answer. I’ve tried to spend the last three years detoxing myself from you. Just like you said you went through withdrawal and felt sick and depressed? That’s how it felt for me, too, trying to get you out of my head, not letting myself call you like a psycho or email you or sit and cry over you.”
“Babe… I had no idea you were going through that. You’ve never told me you felt like that.”
“I did. And it wasn’t the first damn time, either. I’ve let myself get in that place over you a lot and it makes me feel like a fool. My friends and my family think I’m a dumbass, a doormat, for allowing you to come back into my life after you disappeared the first time. And then you hurt me again.”
“You’re not a doormat, Piper. I’ve never thought of you that way and I never wanted to hurt you. I was just fucked up.”
“That’s really not a good excuse.”
“I know, but it’s all I got. I don’t know how to make you understand that I don’t know why I constantly fuck things up.”
I want to pull my hair out in frustration. “How am I supposed to trust you then? If you don’t even know what the heck goes on in your own head? How am I supposed to trust you with our little girl?”
“Because I’m trying. And I’m not letting drugs and alcohol stir up the mess in my head. I feel good, Piper. Better than I have in a long time. I’m writing new songs again, we have a tour scheduled, the band is getting along great. Things are all falling into place.”
“That’s all great, and I’m proud of you. I just don’t want to get hurt again. I’m petrified of it.”
“I know you are, and I don’t fucking blame you. I just… I can’t let you go. We belong together.”
I wonder if because we both feel that way that means it’s right? Is there some cosmic rule that if two people feel they’re meant to be together, then they should be together no matter what? Or sometimes do we have to walk away from the person we believe we’re meant to be with? And if we do… does that feeling that we’re missing our true other half ever go away?
I wish there was a way to get these answers.
“My aunt used to say something to me when I was younger,” he says softly. “She used to say, don’t listen to the voices in your head, listen to the voice in your heart, and you’ll always be okay. That’s what I’m trying to do.”